Destination weddings used to be the option for people who preferred an intimate ceremony with just the bride and groom, but that wanted something nicer than the local courthouse.
Then they expanded to include a maid-of-honor and best man, or maybe the couple’s parents. Now, some people expect their entire family and friend group to make the trek to an alternate location with guest lists topping 100 people in some cases.
Granted, unless everyone lives in the same city or town, some guests always end up having to travel for a wedding. But with a destination wedding, everyone has to.
Which means everyone needs to pay for travel, food, and lodging.
Or stay home.
But what if one family passes on incurring that kind of expense?
A woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over issues with her sister’s destination wedding.
One_Change4503 asked:
“AITA for refusing to go to my sister’s wedding after finding out only our side of the family were having to pay to attend?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So my younger sister Katie (28, female) and her partner Chris (29, male) are getting married in April in Dubai. She has always wanted an extravagant wedding and is going all out on this, so the wedding is happening over 4 days.”
“There’s 70 guests, but they want us—me, my husband, and parents—to stay in the same hotel with them along with her bridesmaids—which I am maid-of-honor—and groomsmen. The hotel is pretty lux, so with flights it is costing us just over £2,900 (US $3,752) each.”
“Chris’ family are also staying in the hotel, which includes his parents, two brothers, and his nephew.”
“They—my sister and her fiancé—are well off. I don’t know exactly how much they earn combined, but I know Katie is on £88k (US $114k) and she is the lower earner. But about 6 months ago, Chris and Katie came to us and asked to borrow £17k (US $21,996) more for their wedding.”
“They stressed it would be a loan paid over time and said the venue had increased the price, Dubai law was different, blah blah blah, they paid this money or they lost the lot. We believed them, and I offered to loan £7k (US $9,057) and my parents the other £10k (US $12,939).”
“So long story short, I have since found out through someone else that the £17k wasn’t for the venue. It was for Chris’ family to fly over there. They saw how much it was going to be, didn’t want to pay, and refused to go.”
“I asked Katie and she confirmed it, so my first question was if they were paying for his parents, why not pay for ours?”
“I would never expect them to pay for me, even if we couldn’t afford it. I’d have wished them well and stayed at home.”
“And her answer was ‘because they can afford it’. She got very defensive and said this was the fairest way she could think of doing it, it’s hard enough planning a wedding, etc…
“But when I asked, if you genuinely thought this was the fairest way to do it, why did you lie about what the £17k was for and say it was a venue issue? She couldn’t answer.”
“My parents are aware and are very disappointed they lied, but have said they’re still attending. But I have backed out.”
“To me, it feels like my parents are being taken advantage. And if they couldn’t afford to pay for both ours and Chris’ parents and his brothers and nephew, then they should have just paid for the 4 parents, or no one at all. And they especially shouldn’t have lied about it.”
“Katie and Chris keep calling and asking me to attend, saying I’m making them feel bad and ruining their day. But the whole thing just feels… icky to me.”
“I’m genuinely an open book, so be brutal, am I being an a**hole here? Should I just suck it up and go?”
The OP later added:
“Crumbs that’s a lot of comments. Thanks so much, everyone. Just wanted to answer a couple of questions/comments that have come up a lot.”
“The repayment: my husband’s brother is a solicitor, and he kindly drew up a contract and repayment plan for both myself and my parents so the money will be paid off within 12 months of the wedding.”
“If they don’t stick to this, I have access to a free solicitor. I hope it won’t come to that, but that’s why I have the papers for the worst-case scenario.”
“Asking for the £7K back now: I might be a soft touch, but asking for this back feels like a step too far.”
“Like, I’m mad as hell, but not enough to actively try to ruin their wedding a few weeks before, which it feels like (right now at least) is what that would be doing. But hey, give me a few more days to stew.”
“A few people have asked about Chris’ family.”
“I’m obviously not privy to their financial situation, but what limited amount I do know from what Katie has said, Chris and his family grew up very poor.”
“Before all this, I’d always thought Chris was a lovely guy, but I had caught him in the odd, but harmless white lie—things like where he went to school, the type of house he grew up in, etc…”
“I get the impression he is embarrassed or resentful of his upbringing, given their lack of money, and this is how he now values his own self worth—by how much money he has.”
“My guess is when his family said they couldn’t go, he panicked and worried people would ask why they weren’t there, and he would either have to say they couldn’t afford it or he couldn’t afford to pay for them.”
“And look, his past trauma/experience is not for me to judge, but if that were the case, it just makes me madder that they both didn’t plan ahead and talk to friends/family about what they could afford BEFORE booking Dubai.”
“If it was such a dealbreaker for his family to be there, they should have factored in the cost of paying for all the parents to attend instead of thrusting a £3k per person bill at them and expecting them to rock up.”
“We had a destination wedding in Italy as well, however, we did rough price checks in terms of how much it would cost everyone before we booked.”
“It actually ended up being cheaper than a lot of places in the UK, but we also made a list of who/what we could afford to pay for, and who our non-negotiable were in terms of if there were certain people who couldn’t make it/afford it, then we’d just book somewhere in the UK.”
“It worked out in the end. We had 15 people and we paid for everyone’s hotel room and the flights were about £240 each, so we counted that as everyone’s ‘gift’ to us as we figured after travel, gifts, etc… it probably wasn’t far off what people would pay to attend a local wedding.”
“But I didnt expect Katie to do the same, as I knew she was having 70 people. And at the end of the day, it’s her wedding.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I’m refusing to go to my sister’s destination wedding because she’s paying for the groom’s family, but not ours.”
“So I’m leaving her without a maid of honour and making her feel bad.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA: yet one of the many reasons I dislike destination weddings… they’re the penultimate egocentric events.” ~ ConsitutionalHistory
“If it was important to have the families there, then why are they doing this extravagant wedding‽‽ 4 days! In Dubai, of all places?”
“Why not someplace closer and less expensive for travel? It sounds like you’re all in the UK, so there are lots of great countries nearby that would have beautiful venues.” ~ rainyhawk
“I wonder if Chris has become obsessed with conspicuous consumption and/or has a chip on his shoulder growing up poor. Dubai is like what someone who isn’t super informed thinks is a city where rich people live.”
“Sure, Dubai does have rich people, but the ostentatious displays of wealth scream ‘BE IMPRESSED WITH ME, I SPENT SO MUCH MONEY!!!’.” ~ Ted_Cashew
“Oh, so she needed a ‘better destionation wedding’ than you had? Sorry. 2,900£ per person is crazy.”
“We once paid 1,800£ for 2 people to attend a wedding, because one of us was in the wedding party and we were told by the bride and groom that this was a cheap place and this country is normally cheaper than ours.”
“I would NEVER do it again, and this, together with other lies around the wedding were a reason why I ended the friendship. So def not the a**hole.” ~ Significant_Taro_690
“Wait a second. Not only are they not paying for your parents, they’re having your parents pay for his? That’s like a double whammy.”
“I don’t know if you should go or not. Your choice will have a long-lasting impact on your relationship with your sister. Only you can decide if that is worth salvaging.” ~ Normal-Reward7257
“They lied to get money from you and your parents, and not a small sum, thousands of pounds. It’s super shady of them to do that, technically it’s fraud. They’re the ones who put a damper on their wedding by being liars.” ~ lavender_poppy
“Lying and manipulating you and your parents out of £17,000 is not a small thing, it’s not normal, and it’s going to get worse. How long are you going to let her continue to use and lie to you?” ~ RitaFaye88
The OP has the assurance that what her sister and future brother-in-law did was wrong.
Lying about the money until the OP found out the truth from another source was bound to cause friction. But only OP can decide if the infraction warrants skipping the wedding or not.