Getting engaged is a huge step towards a monumental chapter in a couple’s lives.
It takes a colossal misjudgment or deception to derail the path toward walking down the aisle.
A bride-to-be made a tough decision about her upcoming nuptials after a major fallout with her fiancé.
He presented her with a significant gesture she never saw coming and it said a lot more about the man she was prepared to spend the rest of her life with.
In dealing with the aftermath, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked strangers online for judgment.
There, Redditor Big_Owl_9918 asked:
“AITAH for calling off my wedding after my fiancé’s surprise ‘gift?’ “
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So, I (30 F[female]) have been engaged to my fiancé Mark (32 M[ale]) for about a year and we’ve been together for three years. I’ve always known Mark to be a bit unconventional; he’s very creative and sometimes takes things a little too far in the name of surprise or excitement.”
“Most of the time, I love his adventurous spirit, but this time? Not so much.”
The OP continued:
“A couple of weeks ago, we had a small get-together with some close friends to celebrate our upcoming wedding.”
“Mark had mentioned that he had a surprise for me, which I figured would be something sweet, like a heartfelt gift or maybe a romantic gesture. Well, as the night went on, after a few drinks, Mark finally revealed his ‘gift.’”
“He pulled out what looked like a box from a special jewelry store. My heart raced with excitement as I assumed it was a lovely bracelet or a special memento for our wedding day. But when he opened the box, I was absolutely stunned.”
“Inside was a key to a house he supposedly bought for us. I was taken aback because I had no idea he was even looking for real estate. My first reaction was one of shock and confusion, as I thought it was a huge decision that we should have discussed together.”
The OP had to take a moment to assess the situation before saying anything.
“As I processed the moment, I realized the house wasn’t just any house—it was a fixer-upper on the outskirts of town. Now, I get that it can be a great investment, but this particular house needed a ton of work.”
“I’m talking major renovations and repairs, and I honestly had no desire to live there. Mark had not consulted me at all before making this purchase, and I felt blindsided.”
“Normally, I would be overjoyed about investing in our future together, but the fact that he had made such a significant commitment without me crushed me. I quietly took the key and told him we needed to talk about this.”
“As we stepped outside, I expressed how hurt I felt that he had made such a big decision without discussing it with me first and that it felt like a violation of trust.”
The reaction was not one the OP had hoped for.
“Mark got defensive and insisted that this was a wonderful surprise—a way for us to start our lives together. He said I was missing the bigger picture and that I should be excited about our future.”
“Honestly, I just felt overwhelmed and confused. I told him I didn’t think we were ready for this and that we should focus on our wedding first.”
“After a heated argument, I made the gut-wrenching decision to call off the wedding. Mark was devastated, and our friends were shocked. I had just ruined what was supposed to be a happy night, and I felt horrible.”
“Since then, Mark has been trying to reach out, saying he wishes we could talk it over, but I can’t shake the feeling that he disrespected my feelings and my input in our relationship.”
“I’ve been reflecting on whether I overreacted. AITAH for calling off the wedding after his surprise ‘gift?’ “
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA.”
“I’m divorced now but when my ex husband and I were married, we lived in an apartment together. We wanted to move into a house and he found one he fell in love with. I disagreed.”
“It needed way too much work, didn’t have central heat/air (only had a wood stove), it smelled awful because the previous tenants had let their hunting dogs stay locked in one of the rooms, the owner had a large area we werent allowed in because he had things stored there, etc.”
“He agreed with the owner to have us move in anyway without telling me. I told him he at LEAST needed to get everything in writing. (We were supposed to be doing rent to own, the owner was a wealthy man but told us we could pay a reduced amount if we fixed up the property. I had concerns about this because we had a 1yo at the time and both worked full time, opposite shifts. We were also living paycheck to paycheck.)”
“Well he didn’t get anything in writing, just got the keys and started fixing it up himself.. again, without telling me.”
“We ended up putting way too much money into this house, only ended up living there for about a year. Our relationship never really recovered after that.”
“I posted this long comment to say … NEVER stay with somebody who is willing to do whatever they want without consulting you. It doesn’t work out, and you will always resent them.” – chefrachhh
“YUP!”
“My soon-to-be ex-husband bought a house without my knowledge before we got married. How did he tell me this? By saying we were just going to look at another house (we had been house shopping), and lo and behold, his parents and some of their friends are all there when he tells me it’s our house.”
“Half an hour away from where I had expressly stated I wanted to live, which put my commute at an hour and his at 11 minutes. In the middle of farm land with zero privacy and 15’ off a busy road.”
“I spent 10 miserable years in that house, slowly renovating it, which was pretty well the only thing I was happy about – that there was work to be done, which he hated because he viewed it as me unfairly raising the value of our home (he believed if I left, I shouldn’t get anything because he paid the mortgage).”
“He was completely blown away that I wasn’t happy driving 2 hours a day on top of the rest of our issues, and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to live there FOREVER. It was high on the list of reasons I left.”
“Major purchases are not surprises. Full stop. NTA.” – Valkyrie-at-Dawn
“This sounds like my relationship with my (29f) ex-wife. I’m (m32) a strong believer in compromising, she was not.”
“When it came time to find a house, she legitimately tossed aside all of my wants and concerns. I just sucked it up. I let her pick the house, and I got berated nonstop for the following year as I flipped the house with her dad. I was working full time, in college part-time, and flipping the house in the remaining time I had.”
“She also wanted me to get a part-time job while doing all of this. (She made more money, so I was just expected to make the same amount and somehow quickly)”
“She was never like this when we dated, but I knew I messed up after I let her get her way with the house. That was the start of the end! Though I’m extremely happy to be on my own in a condo now.”
“I will never be with someone that can’t compromise.” – nickya1
“NTA. Terrible judgment on Mark’s part, but what I find the real problem here was his response when you pointed out the obvious. He argued with you. The lightbulb did not agree with him that you don’t make decisions like this without the other person.”
“This is a sign that he will ‘surprise you’ with a new puppy, his brother moving into your house, that he has quit his job and took out a loan to start a family business…and then argue with you when you say this should have been discussed prior. Plus, a fixer sounds hideous.” – Lucky-Individual460
“As another comment said, real life is not like a movie. In a marriage,e there shouldn’t be anything that huge that is a surprise. You need to consult your spouse for something that affects your financial well-being.”
“I agree at the end this may not be the last big surprise he gives. You will be blind sided that he quit his job and he invested all your money in crypto.” – the_man2012
“Exactly. Mark wasn’t just signing OP up for a huge financial obligation she never asked for, but a chaotic, dirty messy (few years of) life in a fixer-upper. Not everyone is excited by that. He took away her autonomy and demanded she be excited about it.”
“My heart would have sunk, just like OP’s. NTA, and maybe this was just the wakeup OP needed.” – anon
“NTA making a major life decision without you isn’t a good way to start a marriage it also sets a precedent for the marriage. Not only is it a surprise house it’s a surprise fixer-upper that’s not even a gift that’s a job and I don’t think anyone really thinks their partner wants to be left out of a choice like that.” – Illustrious_Bird9234
“NTA. Some people really don’t understand that movies and tv are not real life. It sounds like Mark may be one of them.” – IDMike2008
“So what was his plan? The house would be in his name only while you padded his pockets by investing hard work and money into fixing up his sh**ty house? NTA.” – DubiousPeoplePleaser
Overall, Redditors thought the OP calling off the engagement was warranted, given Mark’s impulsive purchase without consulting her, the person who was about to become the most important in his life.
While the engagement being salvaged is unlikely at this point, let’s hope Mark understands that in addition to love, open communication is a necessary foundation, the proverbial glue that keeps meaningful relationships intact.