Gratitude goes a long way.
Particularly with gifts.
So what happens when the gratitude you were expecting from a heartfelt gift does not come… and instead your gift is met with anger and threats?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) rando-TA when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA (AWTA) for not giving our granddaughter the same wedding gift as our other grandchildren?”
OP began with an introduction.
“First of all, this is my first post on here ever, I wanted an objective opinion, and I have read a lot of these kinds of posts on Facebook.”
“If I do anything wrong please tell me.”
“I (70s F) am the grandmother to 5 wonderful grandkids (3 women and 2 men).”
“The last of my grandkids got married last October.”
Then she explained a peculiar tradition.
“My husband (70s M) and I usually get them a small gift (usually the cheapest thing on the registry), then the day before the wedding, we privately gift them a check for $40k.”
“We prefer that they use it for a house, but we don’t force them to do so.”
“We also ask them to keep it private (we have a big extended family, and we don’t want them to expect it from us). They all honored this request.”
“When it came to our youngest granddaughter, we bought her an air fryer (that was the cheapest thing on the registry) and sent it in advance.”
“Then she called us furious, she went off on us for being cheap and how she knew we had money, but that we did not love her enough to show it by getting her something more expensive.”
“We were horrified by her behavior, then she went ahead and threatened to disinvite us if we didn’t get her a better gift.”
OP decided against rewarding bad behavior.
“We discussed it, bought her a China set, but we did not give her the money that was set aside for her. We decided that she did not deserve it.”
“Fast forward to last week, she met up with her brother, they got to talking, and she found out about the cash gift that he got.”
“She asked her cousins and found out all of them got the same gift.”
“She called us furious for discriminating against her.”
“We told her that it was our money, and after how she behaved, we did not want to give it to her.”
“She started crying, said that she was just extremely stressed and that we shouldn’t have taken it to heart.”
“We told her that we stand by our decision. Now she is refusing to attend Christmas, and her mother (our DIL) is calling us AHs.”
OP was left to wonder,
“So AWTAs.”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Commenters saw OP as the victim here.
“NTA.”
“I would never DREAM of criticizing a gift, never mind coming from a family member.”
“I’m horrified at her behavior. And her doubling down and wanting to not attend Christmas?”
“I’d stay with the decision.”
“If she had apologized profusely and then let it go I might have gifted the original money on their one-year anniversary.”
“But her continued tantrum, no. She does not deserve it acting like an entitled spoiled brat.” ~ Interesting_Order_82
“Agree with this completely. A gift is just that, not something you are entitled to. And her continued bad behavior shows the person she is.”
“NTA” ~ Nerwalawren
“NTA.”
“Exactly! It sounds like she cared about the gift more than, you know, her grandparents celebrating her and her husband’s day with her?”
“I got married last year and would never DREAM of even thinking twice about a gift we did or didn’t get–that’s not why we had a wedding!” ~ breadburn
There were personal stories.
“NTA!!”
“Let me tell you a personal story.. my grandparents saved well and lived VERY frugally.”
“By the time my grandfather passed away, my gram was left with enough money that she could have lived 100 more years without ever having to worry about a thing.”
“She also lived well below her means.”
“Every Christmas after he died when I was a teenager (she didn’t like to drive, my grandpa always did all the driving) she would always get me 1 gift and 1 $50 gift card.”
“I’ll never forget the Christmas I opened up the UGLIEST mint green sweater I’ve ever seen in my life! LOL When I say this sweater was god awful that is being kind to it… it was truly terrible! Hahaha”
“I looked over at her biting her lower lip with a look of hope on her face, and gave her the brightest most genuine smile.”
“I told her I absolutely LOVED IT! I gave her the biggest hug, thanking her profusely. I’ve never seen her look so happy.”
“Despite her including a gift receipt, I kept that sweater, and I wore that sweater often when I’d go to visit her.”
“As much as I truly hated the way that sweater looked, I really did love it.”
“I loved it because I knew the effort my elderly grandmother put into driving (which terrified her) out to the mall (which she hated) to personally shop for me, and try to find something she thought I would like.”
“That meant everything to me!”
“Years later she still would cry as she told my dad, that out of all of her many grandchildren–I was the only one who EVER thanked her….”
“Year after year after year everyone else took her for granted until she was gone. I could NEVER imagine treating my grandparents this way!!”
“My point is you are NTA!!”
“Please keep your money.”
“It’s yours and even if you do give her a check–she will still never appreciate you for it.”
“She will still take you for granted…. You and your husband should use that money and take a cruise to Alaska to see the glaciers, my grandparents loved doing that together. ❤️” ~ Bizzybody2020
“Haha, I did that too when my Grandpa got me a Barney VHS tape when I was waaaaay beyond the age for Barney (I think I was 14?).”
“Acted excited and said thanks anyway.”
“I mean it’s nice he picked something out he thought I would like, even if he didn’t get it right that year” ~ TheSilverFalcon
Some wondered what else was on this registry.
“Also I would be ecstatic with a new air fryer if I didn’t already have one.”
“I feel like if that’s the cheapest gift on the registry then there were a lot of high-ticket items. It’s not like air fryers are super cheap, right?” ~ DatBrownGuy
“Yeah, the fact that the air fryer was the cheapest thing on the registry leads me to believe this wedding was a major gift grab.” ~ Stressielee
“For sure. And some of the air fryers like ours are multipurpose.”
“Like seriously if that was the cheapest thing on the registry then I immediately judged them as entitled.”
“Like who doesn’t at least put some 15-30 dollar items for people who can’t spend 100 bucks or so on a wedding gift?”
“And then to berate their grandparents for getting them a gift? They can go ahead and f**k off and wonder why no family likes them.” ~ FlyYouFoolyCooly
Commenters were shocked at Granddaughter’s priorities.
“NTA.”
“She cared more about the cost of a gift than your presence at her wedding.”
“That’s not stress, that’s spoiled. And her mother backing her up shows why she is spoiled.”
“If she’d apologized BEFORE finding out about the money, then you might’ve believed that her remorse was been real…. But she didn’t.”
“She called you ‘furious’ once she found out – trying to force you to give her more AGAIN.”
“Then tried tears to manipulate you.”
“Now, with no wedding to blame her behavior on, she’s refusing to come to events until you cough up the cash.”
“Guess you know what value she puts on her grandparents.”
“She’s entitled, spoiled, and rude.” ~ Sel-Reddit
“NTA.”
“This sums it up very accurately.”
“I’m just sorry that OP had to discover that one of their grandchildren seems to have developed a nasty character.”
“It’s got to be pretty hurtful, but even without the calls that happened afterward, I would have already voted NTA after she called to complain about the ‘cheap gift.'”
“If someone has money and you think they could’ve spent more on you, then that’s something to think, or maybe to discuss with your spouse.”
“But if you have a bit of class (and even self-respect), you don’t call anyone to complain about the price of a gift they gave you.”
“It’s rude and entitled.” ~ You-Done
Always remember that you are not entitled to someone else’s effort.
When someone takes the time to pick out a special present for you, or listen to you vent a little, gratitude can go a long way in making that effort feel rewarding.
Be kind… it doesn’t cost a thing.