On today's episode of "Bridezilla or Not?" we hear from bridesmaid and Redditor One-Fox96.
The Original Poster (OP) rarely wears bras.
However, the OP's friend is getting married soon, and along with a bridesmaid invitation, the OP received a request to wear a bra at the wedding.
This question felt invasive and frustrating to the OP, ultimately leading her to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for not wearing a bra to my friend's wedding?"
She went on to explain:
"I [23-year-old Female] have small boobs. You can't tell if I'm wearing a bra or not in most tops, so when I can, I don't wear a bra as I find them uncomfortable."
"My friend Kate [25-year-old Female] is getting married and asked me to be a bridesmaid."
"I accepted, and then she texted me privately to ask if I could wear a bra for her wedding as she doesn't want me to flash someone."
"I tried explaining to her that the bridesmaid dress she had picked out had full sleeves, so you wouldn't be able to tell as the material is also very thick."
"Kate got really mad at me, and my sister said maybe I should just suck it up and wear a bra."
"I just find it to be a weird, invasive question as you literally can't tell if I had a bra on in the first place or not in that dress, and I'm sure no one over there is staring at my chest."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"If she's bringing it up, maybe it's more noticeable than you think. Is this really a hill you want to die on?"
"She's not asking you to color your hair or hide tattoos. Is this worth threatening a friendship over?"
"If that's much of a burden to you, take it off after the ceremony and photos."
"Soft YTA" - FreyjaSunshine
"YTA. You might not not realize it, but it is noticeable if your sister is on Team Bra, too."
"There are plenty of inexpensive, comfortable styles out there. Try not to make this all about you." - AnnoyedRedheadedMom
"you can't be serious"
"YTA."
"it isn't a big ask. just wear a bra. why are you even trying to argue against it? she specifically asked for it." - Ok-Main6892
"YTA She brought it up because usually it's well noticeable and you will not die being dressed properly to a wedding." - Lepetitgateau90
"But you can tell. She knows you are not wearing bras because she can see you're not."
"People who don't wear bras think no one can tell, but in reality, your nipples poke out, and yes, everyone can tell."
"Bras suck; I don't wear them; I wear 'sports' tops/bralettes,' and that solves all the problems."
"It's her wedding, just try it. When you're married, you'll have something like that too with someone or something (possibly)." - According-Step-5433
"YTA. You've already agreed to be a bridesmaid. The bride asked you to do one thing in order to avoid flashing her gran. Do the thing."
" Also, this: 'full sleeves so you wouldn't be able to tell as the material is also very thick' doesn't make sense. I have small t*ts; try boob tape. " - ParticularTrain8235
"YTA do you not have nipples?"
"What a weird hill to die on."
"Also, as everyone has pointed out, if no one can tell when you're not wearing a bra, why did she specifically ask you to wear a bra?"
"Do you think she's just asking everyone to wear underwear to her wedding?"
"Either she can tell (it's probably this one; she can see your nipples), or you go around loudly declaring that you're not wearing a bra. Either way YTA." - Is-abel
"YTA, sorry OP. It's very obvious when people aren't wearing a bra, even with tiny titties " - AdFantastic5292
"I didn't wear a bra, I think, in the last five years-ish, I know how you feel. But yes, everyone can tell we're not wearing one."
"It's more noticeable than you think. Which, by the way, usually I don't really care."
"I am a woman, I have breasts (small but still), people that notice that need to deal with this because it's their problems, not mine."
"That being said when there are ceremonies I wear one, I know it can be uncomfortable for some people and even though I mostly don't care…"
"…I just want to avoid being the cause of any issue for the person who is the center of the celebration since, honestly, it's a small thing."
"It's not like it completely changes my personality, or it's something unbearable (literally and metaphorically), or it's a huge change with a lot of work…"
"…(like changing my hair color or hiding my tattoo) Choose one simple, like a sporting bra. I don't know in your country, but I can get one super simple for 10 dollars" - PurplePinkBlue76
"For formal wear, bras aren't just about having small breasts or not. The material between your breast and the dress also helps hide your nipple, which might be noticeable through the fabric."
"YTA, because if you can't stomach wearing a bra because it's uncomfortable, you're kind of missing the point of being a bridesmaid."
"Generally, the dresses are garbage, and they're ugly on purpose to let the bride shine. If you lucked out and got a comfy dress, the least you can do is wear a bra."
"You've been asked to, so it's clearly an issue, regardless of your understanding of it. Just suck it up, or drop out if you're so anti-bra." - WikkidWitchly
"yta - if she's asking you to put a bra on, it's probably because it's more noticeable than you think and she doesn't want to take any chances."
"in hindsight, compared to a lot of bride's demands, this one seems fairly reasonable and very easy to do on your end."
"Look, no one's saying that bras are not uncomfortable, but there are many solutions, such as a sports bra, boob tape, bralette, etc, that would be more comfortable."
"'I just find it to be a weird invasive question.'"
"if she's asking you to be a bridesmaid, I'm assuming you two are fairly close, no?"
"to me, that doesn't seem invasive, but I also shouldn't assume all friends are as comfortable talking about such things as me and my friends are."
"for the sake of your friend's peace of mind, just wear a bra. it's not a hill worth dying on... it's a small ask." - Sea-Drama8760
"YTA. YES! Suck it up. If she has to ask, it's more noticeable than you think. And I can't understand what sleeves have to do with the front of the gown?" - hellohello316
"NTA. I think it's funny how most people here probably agree that women's nipples shouldn't be so sexualized…"
"…as their entire point of being there is to feed babies, but turn around and sexualize them."
"nipples are not indecent. everyone has them. men can walk around shirtless, but of course, women have to cover up 24/7."
"it's not like your bare nipples are out, if anything they'll just see them poke out a little, and if they care that much about a woman's nipple poking through her shirt... that's a them problem."
"cause why do you care so much? Does this personally affect and hurt you? no. To me, I'd barely think anything of it. just 'oh okay' and move on."
"if anything, just wear some pasties so no one can see (the horror! a nipple outline poking out! so obscene!) anything and call it a day." - Fancy_Tomorrow_1189
"Look, man, the amount of boob I have is in the negatives... I don't wear a bra 98% of the year. It doesn't kill me to wear a bra that other 2%. I think you'll live."
"If you have multiple people telling you it's noticeable, then it's noticeable. You don't get to decide that people don't see it."
"You don't even have to wear a bra! There's other things you can wear for a few hours out of 1 day."
"YTA" - the_white_slave
"I seem to be the minority here but I say NTA, I wouldn't care if my friend came to my wedding braless nippels contour showing."
"It's not my business to tell her to wear or not wear underwear. If people stare, it's their problem."
"I know both men and women have nipples, and I'm not surprised seeing them at the chest area." - unclaimedredditnic
"Soft YTA... It's her wedding, and she was asking rather a small thing, all things considered."
"Giving a pushback to the bride over something that has such a simple fix, seems like a waste of energy."
"I think you should just acquiesce to her very reasonable request." - BeardManMichael
"Oh honey. She is asking you, so yeah it's definitely more noticeable than you think."
"NAH. You have every right not to wear bras in your daily life, and oh gosh, I wish I could do that myself."
"But your friend has very respectfully asked you privately, hasn't made a scene or tried to embarrass you into it in front of everyone else…"
"…and probably would not have asked you if it genuinely wasn't a big deal."
"You have time to find the most comfortable bra you can find that will work with the dress, get hunting and suck it up for a day." - rjmythos
The jury may be out on whether or not the OP is an a**hole, but I think it's safe to say no bridezilla here.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.