Taking in someone during a difficult time is an honorable act. Ensuring they’re cared for while grieving can go a long way toward emotional recovery.
However, Redditor Private-Conversation has been having an issue with her brother-in-law (BIL) after the passing of his wife. Now the original poster (OP) decided to kick him out of her house.
Was she wrong? To find out, OP asked the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit the titular question.
What does she think she’s wrong about?
“AITA for kicking my BIL out of my house for asking this question in front of my friends?”
It’s pretty safe to say that OP’s relationship with the BIL is rocky at best.
“My F31 Brother in law ‘Tim’ M30 lost his wife 8 months ago. To be honest we aren’t close, never been close due to his ‘brutal honesty’ and his hurtful remarks to me all the time.”
“He stopped paying rent for his former apartment because he doesn’t work and asked to move in with me and my husband. I had reasons to say no, one of them is that I’m taking care of my 5 months old son.”
“It’s hard but with Tim’s constant requests like cooking for him, cleaning his room, and fixing stuff for him it’s ×10 harder.”
“I tried to be graceful and suck it up but he’s become annoying constantly commenting on my weight saying things like ‘are you comfortable looking like that?’ Or ‘wow you’ve changed so much since you had the baby’.”
“It’s annoying but my husband asked me to let it go since Tim is grieving and isn’t thinking rationally.”
“Yesterday was the final straw. I had my best friends over for the first time after my son was born. We were in the livingroom chatting while Tim was asleep (he sleeps til 4pm).”
“He showed up later and sat with us and started taking part in the conversation. We were talking about being busy all day and he interrupted me and asked ‘So when are you planning on losing that baby weight? I guess you should take advantage of the last month of summer and get in shape before it’s too late’.”
“I was in shock and dismay, and embarrassed by my friends going radio silence like that. He doubled down by looking at me waiting for an answer.”
“I bluntly said ‘actually I’m not planning on losing any baby weight anytime soon unfortunately, but I AM however planning on losing some dead weight that is you and your neverending demands all day everyday while I’m trying to care for my newborn’.”
“He told me to ‘chil’ but I got up from the couch and said I couldn’t put up with this anymore and he had to pack and leave. He didn’t think I was serious but then head upstairs and called his brother.”
“My husband came home after my friends left and called me ridiculous for kicking his grieving brother out over a question he asked.”
“I said he embarrassed me infront of my friends and that I was done catering to his demamds from cooking, cleaning while trying to care for my infant with no sleep nor self care for myself and this is how he treats me?! He agreed but said kicking Tim out would be cruel, nuclear and unnecessary since we can work this out differently.”
“I refused to discuss it said he had to go.”
“I gave him 2 days to find a place to stay and my husband is convincing me I was making a mistake and should have some empathy towards Tim and his situation as a new widower besides that it’s my husband’s home too so I can’t make this decision alone.”
“Did I overreact here?”
A little more information was requested by commenters, so OP updated to clarify.
“Edit/answering some questions.”
“A. Why I keep cleaning Tim’s room and do stuff for him? Because he doesn’t do it himself. He leaves everything messy and has no problem sleeping in a filthy room with food and clothes thrown around.”
“B. Why isn’t my husband helping? Because my husband works full time but he does his share of chores at home and being new parents we’re more stressed and exhausted then any other time.”
“C. Is Tim always like this? Yes, even with his own wife. Though her death was so devastating for him he couldn’t talk for a week because of the trauma. But this is his character and yes I shouldn’t act surprised now but given the fact I’m helping him out, then I expected some form of appreciation.”
OP asked other internet strangers to judge her for kicking out her grieving BIL.
This was done by including one of the following in their comment:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Commenters agreed that the BIL was being entitled and disrespectful. While he gets a certain level of sympathy for losing his spouse, that doesn’t excuse his behavior.
OP was right to kick him out.
“NTA. You’re not his slave. He seems to have some sort of god complex where he thinks the world revolves around him. Kicking him out was the reality check he needed.” – Eternal_crisis_
“NTA you did not overreact. This has been a pattern of abuse by Tim on you and your husband has known about it all along.”
“Maybe ask your husband when he intends to start supporting you, since so far he has not.” – Bozobozo111
“NTA. Tim is being a dick – and why on earth does he expect you to cook and clean for him? He’s an adult and he should be doing that for himself.”
“He doesn’t work, he lives with you for nothing and he can’t even flick a duster around or make some lunch?”
“I’m tempted to suggest his wife faked her own death to get away from him. If he stays, he needs to do his share.” – Kirstemis
Other commenters questioned the husband. Why would he allow something like this to happen?
OP’s husband needs to take a stronger stand supporting his wife.
“NTA. But if I were you I’d be evaluating the people near and dear to you.”
“1. Your husband shouldn’t have let him disrespect you in the first place with not only his rude comments, but his cooking and cleaning demands. The misogyny is strong with this one.”
“2. Your friends shouldn’t have gone radio silent. no hate, though, not everyone’s confrontational. But I would’ve rolled up my sleeves if that happened to my friend lol”
“Anyways, this dude sounds like a middle schooler that is actually attracted to you so tries to knock down your self esteem so that you think maybe he’s all you deserve.”
“Sorry about the loss of his wife, but being an asshole widower doesn’t make the asshole part any less prominant.” – brandy8marie
“totally agree mostly on the husband end. I think friends just could be shocked and didn’t want to over step any boundaries but i hope they reached out after.”
“when i’ve lost someone i get more clingy and cherish the people i have left so the way he was acting isn’t something that i would normalize” – BookWorm331
“Why are you catering to a grown man? Why is your husband okay with it.”
“NTA. You are the one home with him all day. If your husband wants to babysit his brother, let them get a place together and do that.”
“Your husband needs to pull something out of his other area and see what is being done to you.” – ThrillDr1
OP has a lot to discuss with her husband and BIL. Perhaps if he is amenable to changing his habits and being nicer to OP she can be convinced to let him stay.
But it doesn’t sound likely.