Taking in someone during a difficult time is an honorable act. Ensuring they're cared for while grieving can go a long way toward emotional recovery.
However, Redditor Private-Conversation has been having an issue with her brother-in-law (BIL) after the passing of his wife. Now the original poster (OP) decided to kick him out of her house.
Was she wrong? To find out, OP asked the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit the titular question.
What does she think she's wrong about?
"AITA for kicking my BIL out of my house for asking this question in front of my friends?"
It's pretty safe to say that OP's relationship with the BIL is rocky at best.
"My F31 Brother in law 'Tim' M30 lost his wife 8 months ago. To be honest we aren't close, never been close due to his 'brutal honesty' and his hurtful remarks to me all the time."
"He stopped paying rent for his former apartment because he doesn't work and asked to move in with me and my husband. I had reasons to say no, one of them is that I'm taking care of my 5 months old son."
"It's hard but with Tim's constant requests like cooking for him, cleaning his room, and fixing stuff for him it's ×10 harder."
"I tried to be graceful and suck it up but he's become annoying constantly commenting on my weight saying things like 'are you comfortable looking like that?' Or 'wow you've changed so much since you had the baby'."
"It's annoying but my husband asked me to let it go since Tim is grieving and isn't thinking rationally."
"Yesterday was the final straw. I had my best friends over for the first time after my son was born. We were in the livingroom chatting while Tim was asleep (he sleeps til 4pm)."
"He showed up later and sat with us and started taking part in the conversation. We were talking about being busy all day and he interrupted me and asked 'So when are you planning on losing that baby weight? I guess you should take advantage of the last month of summer and get in shape before it's too late'."
"I was in shock and dismay, and embarrassed by my friends going radio silence like that. He doubled down by looking at me waiting for an answer."
"I bluntly said 'actually I'm not planning on losing any baby weight anytime soon unfortunately, but I AM however planning on losing some dead weight that is you and your neverending demands all day everyday while I'm trying to care for my newborn'."
"He told me to 'chil' but I got up from the couch and said I couldn't put up with this anymore and he had to pack and leave. He didn't think I was serious but then head upstairs and called his brother."
"My husband came home after my friends left and called me ridiculous for kicking his grieving brother out over a question he asked."
"I said he embarrassed me infront of my friends and that I was done catering to his demamds from cooking, cleaning while trying to care for my infant with no sleep nor self care for myself and this is how he treats me?! He agreed but said kicking Tim out would be cruel, nuclear and unnecessary since we can work this out differently."
"I refused to discuss it said he had to go."
"I gave him 2 days to find a place to stay and my husband is convincing me I was making a mistake and should have some empathy towards Tim and his situation as a new widower besides that it's my husband's home too so I can't make this decision alone."
"Did I overreact here?"
A little more information was requested by commenters, so OP updated to clarify.
"Edit/answering some questions."
"A. Why I keep cleaning Tim's room and do stuff for him? Because he doesn't do it himself. He leaves everything messy and has no problem sleeping in a filthy room with food and clothes thrown around."
"B. Why isn't my husband helping? Because my husband works full time but he does his share of chores at home and being new parents we're more stressed and exhausted then any other time."
"C. Is Tim always like this? Yes, even with his own wife. Though her death was so devastating for him he couldn't talk for a week because of the trauma. But this is his character and yes I shouldn't act surprised now but given the fact I'm helping him out, then I expected some form of appreciation."
OP asked other internet strangers to judge her for kicking out her grieving BIL.
This was done by including one of the following in their comment:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Commenters agreed that the BIL was being entitled and disrespectful. While he gets a certain level of sympathy for losing his spouse, that doesn't excuse his behavior.
OP was right to kick him out.
"NTA. You're not his slave. He seems to have some sort of god complex where he thinks the world revolves around him. Kicking him out was the reality check he needed." - Eternal_crisis_
"NTA you did not overreact. This has been a pattern of abuse by Tim on you and your husband has known about it all along."
"Maybe ask your husband when he intends to start supporting you, since so far he has not." - Bozobozo111
"NTA. Tim is being a dick - and why on earth does he expect you to cook and clean for him? He's an adult and he should be doing that for himself."
"He doesn't work, he lives with you for nothing and he can't even flick a duster around or make some lunch?"
"I'm tempted to suggest his wife faked her own death to get away from him. If he stays, he needs to do his share." – Kirstemis
Other commenters questioned the husband. Why would he allow something like this to happen?
OP's husband needs to take a stronger stand supporting his wife.
"NTA. But if I were you I'd be evaluating the people near and dear to you."
"1. Your husband shouldn't have let him disrespect you in the first place with not only his rude comments, but his cooking and cleaning demands. The misogyny is strong with this one."
"2. Your friends shouldn't have gone radio silent. no hate, though, not everyone's confrontational. But I would've rolled up my sleeves if that happened to my friend lol"
"Anyways, this dude sounds like a middle schooler that is actually attracted to you so tries to knock down your self esteem so that you think maybe he's all you deserve."
"Sorry about the loss of his wife, but being an asshole widower doesn't make the asshole part any less prominant." - brandy8marie
"totally agree mostly on the husband end. I think friends just could be shocked and didn't want to over step any boundaries but i hope they reached out after."
"when i've lost someone i get more clingy and cherish the people i have left so the way he was acting isn't something that i would normalize" - BookWorm331
"Why are you catering to a grown man? Why is your husband okay with it."
"NTA. You are the one home with him all day. If your husband wants to babysit his brother, let them get a place together and do that."
"Your husband needs to pull something out of his other area and see what is being done to you." - ThrillDr1
OP has a lot to discuss with her husband and BIL. Perhaps if he is amenable to changing his habits and being nicer to OP she can be convinced to let him stay.
But it doesn't sound likely.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.