While they might understand it in theory, many parents struggle with just how much their lives will change and what they will have to sacrifice when they have children.
But some fight tooth and nail for their “rights,” especially when they like to go to big events, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Street_Swan_9106 always knew that her husband loved to attend music festivals and concerts, and he’d even brought up going to a big event that would happen shortly after their baby was born, much to her chagrin.
But when he insisted on going when their baby was just five months old and it meant him going completely off-grid in another country for a week, the Original Poster (OP) was endlessly uneasy about the idea.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH because I don’t think my husband should go to Burning Man Africa when we have a five-month-old baby at home?”
The OP’s husband was planning a trip less than six months after their baby was born.
“My husband thinks it is perfectly reasonable for him to go party at Afrikaburn (Burning Man in South Africa) and leave me in California alone with our five-month-old baby.”
“He will be completely off the grid for a week, with no service, 10,000 miles away. Not that he could do anything from there, but I can’t even reach him in an emergency.”
The OP was concerned about her husband’s plans.
“He’s telling me I can do something for a week with my friends, but not only do I not want to, but I really can’t because I’m breastfeeding.”
“I just feel like he could at least be going somewhere closer where we could reach him, or at least somewhere we could go, too, and stay nearby.”
“I get that he needs a break and that parenthood is a lot, but it’s only been five months, and this seems excessive.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that priorities have to change when kids come into the picture.
“I would be side-eyeing him for going to regular Burning Man with an infant at home. Going to another continent for a music festival when you have a five-month-old at home?”
“Not the time. Also NTA.” – jaderust
“I have a reasonably ‘cool’ wife. I am not telling her about this one because I don’t want to see the withering glare.”
“Because honestly, there’s being cool, and there’s being taken advantage of. I’d have no issue with my man doing this, but I don’t have a five-month-old newborn at home.”
“This guy needs to respect his wife and learn quickly the life he chose is the life he chose, he doesn’t get to run off on off the grid excursions anymore.” – JimmyJonJackson420
“Now is not the time to be traveling to other continents or really going to events like this at all when the baby is so young, you’re both first-time parents, and germs are running rampant.”
“Maybe in three or four years if they are one and done on kids.”
“My (now-ex for unrelated reasons) husband moved overseas for work when our first was, like, three years old. That was the perfect time for him to be gone. We had a routine, our kid had daycare, and I had work. And we discussed it like adults for a while before he even applied for the job.”
“A week-long trip when the only kid is three or four sounds reasonable. And then mom can take a trip too. Because dad should be able to handle kid for a week solo at that age.” – akm1111
“Nope. You’re right. He has to help you and the baby. Party time is cancelled for the foreseeable future.”
“He’s being selfish and irresponsible. He’s 50% the reason you have a baby, and he didn’t give birth or breastfeed, so he can stay home and give YOU as much a break as he can.” – Smooth_Attention255
“D**n, my kids are in school, and I told my childhood friends that I couldn’t join them on a trip to Vegas for the first weekend of March Madness! It’s time for this guy to grow up and realize that his old life is over and a new, more rewarding chapter has begun.” – Wonderful-Bass6651
“Your husband sounds like a complete and total loser. He’s just a f**king manchild. He’d rather pay all that money for an experience, then put that money towards raising a healthy, happy child in this economy?”
“You have a bigger problem than burning man if he thinks five months of parenthood requires across continental week-long break.” – Ok_Passage_6242
“NTA. Your husband is freaking because having a child has made him realize his youth is slipping away and adulthood taking a firm hold. It sucks but that’s too bad. He could wait until the baby is a little older and he’s acting like a man child.” – joe-lefty500
“When will YOU get a break? NTA. At some point, it is okay to have your own break, but with a five-month-old? I’m not an expert on that age, but it seems like he is an AH. I bet he can wait a year!”
“And you said, ‘I get that he needs a break and that parenthood is a lot.'”
“But how much actual day-to-day parenting does your husband DO that he’s so exhausted he needs this break? He doesn’t understand how breastfeeding works, so I doubt he’s responsible for feeding the baby.”
“What does he do, and has he expressed an ounce of understanding on how you’re supposed to pick up his slack while he’s gone, or have you been doing that since this baby was born, and this is just one more way he’s taking you for granted?” – cheesebageldad
Others agreed and felt that sexist standards were at work in the OP’s home.
“NTA. Of course he thinks it’s perfectly reasonable because he knows deep down that you would never dump the kids on him for a week and go off grid. Being a parent means there are sacrifices you have to make, especially while you have an infant.”
“Tell him it’s time for him to man up and be a father, not just a sperm donor. You didn’t sign up to be a married single mother.” – whaddayameanm8
“A dude going on a solo vacation while leaving the mother of his five-month-old, both home alone, is the worst d-bag on the planet. I am so sorry this has happened to you.”
“You already know what to do.” – tamara_henson
“You just gave birth to the child five months ago, you’re breastfeeding the child 24/7, and HE needs a break from parenthood so much that he has to leave the continent to get drunk, high and make party? LOL.”
“NTA.” – CandyPopPanda
“Make sure he has that travel insurance maxed out. NTA.”
“The guy’s a jacka**. But I’m sure the moment you heard ‘Burning Man,’ you were aware of that.”
“I didn’t want to be judgy, but I’m feeling a bit judgy right now. It’s been a rough morning. I just can’t picture someone who just had a kid going to Burning Man. Seems very midlife crisis. Or maybe he’s 22.”
“I’m just picturing a 35-year-old man with a baby raging with a bunch of 20-somethings while mom is at home being a grown-up.” – grouchykitten1517
“No decent husband would do such a thing, OP. He is not all in on your marriage or on parenthood. Frankly, he sounds like an immature tw*t.”
“What potential illnesses could he return with to a newborn? What if something was to happen to his wife (she gets sick or injured and unable to care for the child)?”
“He needs a break after five months, but she is breastfeeding. She doesn’t get a break due to that. How much more burned out will she feel taking on the full load with zero help?”
“I’m not sure he understands being a parent changes how he gets to live his life now.” – ParmReggie
“Tell him you will go away for a week first, with zero contact, and see how he likes it… Just kidding, who in their right mind would do that? And right there, you have your answer.”
“NTA. If he truly can’t see reason, I would seek couple’s counseling, because if he’s already pulling this type of behavior five months in, you’re in for a very long 18+ years.” – ApprehensiveTV
“He’s definitely trying to set the tone for his version of fatherhood. He sees the situation only from his own point of view. It’s going to be a super cool vacation, for him. It’ll be h**l for you.”
“He should wait until baby is bigger and not go as far and, isn’t spending more of a concern? Marriage counseling might help.” – Solinty
“Even if you were to try to take a vacation yourself, if you live close to relatives, he will pawn the baby on them because he is not breastfeeding and probably could not manage as well as you.”
“Therefore, I hereby decree his selfish one week of vacation equals two weeks of vacation for you.”
“Yet, I know you would not take two weeks away from your baby because you are NOT AN A**HAT like your husband! Grrrrrrrrrr!” – Gold-Ad-2555
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update:
“First, thank you so much for the comments on both sides. I wanted to supply more context per some of the comments. I’ve felt so conflicted, and now feel more sane.”
“My husband is a good dad, and he’s very helpful and caring, although I’m still the primary caregiver. My concern is not so much being alone but just genuinely not wanting him to be apart from the baby for just a drug festival this far away.”
“I do have resentment that I can’t go and haven’t been able to do anything like this for fourteen months. He recently went to a festival with these friends when I was eight months pregnant, too, which I was supportive about. I knew he liked festivals before we married.”
“He did bring up going when I was pregnant, but I told him how much it upset me. It only was brought up again yesterday. He’s only gone to this festival one other time.”
“We’re both 37 and have been together three years. My husband is Turkish, and I’m American, although we live in California, and all my family and friends are in Michigan. We do not have support here. I appreciate so many of you validating my feelings.”
While the subReddit could understand wanting to have a break and even blowing off some steam, especially after a major lifestyle change like having a baby, they mutually agreed that going off-grid for a week in another country with such a young baby was too much of a stretch.
There were surely other smaller festivals and concerts the OP’s husband could attend, especially living in California. But, like so many parents, there was also the option to wait and attend a big event in a year or two when their child was much more developed.