All parents make an effort to lead by example with their children.
However, it’s sometimes the things they don’t realize their children have witnessed that their children take after more than anything.
Saying or doing something that has the potential to get them in a lot of trouble.
Or give them some unfortunate ideas.
Redditor Throwaway-81749 had recently gone through an acrimonious divorce.
As such, the original poster (OP) didn’t have particularly nice things to say about his ex-wife’s new partner.
Resulting in his getting an earful from his ex-wife.
Firmly believing he had done nothing wrong, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for calling my ex-wife’s new boyfriend names in front of my kids?”
The OP explained why his ex-wife felt compelled to tell him to back off:
“Alright, I’ll (46 M[ale]) make a long story short.”
“My ex-wife (40 F[emale]) left me two years ago for our nextdoor neighbor, after I found out they’ve been having an affair for about a year.”
“We have two kids together (5 F, 8 M).”
“Unfortunately the judge gave us split custody, though if I had my way, she and her new boyfriend would never come near my kids again after what they did.”
“I wish they didn’t have to grow up thinking this kind of behavior is acceptable.”
“Anyways, it’s been a long painful process.”
“I’m at my wits end with this divorce.”
“I’m trying to be the mature adult here, but every once in a while, I’ll have a slip-up and call her new boyfriend obscene names when referring to him, sometimes maybe when the kids are within earshot.”
“I know it’s not the most mature thing to do, but I can’t see why I need to be respectful towards the man who stole my wife and broke up our family.”
“The other day, my ex-wife left me a long voicemail telling me how unacceptable it is to call this guy names in front of our kids.”
“My guess is that one of them repeated an insult to her.”
“Our friend wrote to me to back up my wife, claiming that I was being unfair to my kids.”
“Out of this entire story, how the hell am I the one being the immature and unfair?”
“I know I’m not perfect, but acting like I’m the monster in this story seems excessive.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who largely believed the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for calling his ex-wife’s boyfriend tacky names in front of their kids.
Everyone agreed that while the OP was entitled to his emotions, he needed to set a better example for his kids, who were most likely having as or more difficult a time with this divorce as he was:
“YTA.”
“We can call our exes and the people they f*cked around with whatever we want when there are no children around, but you have to button it in front of the kids.”
“It sounds like you have a lot of grief stuck regarding this, OP, and I hope you’re talking to someone about it.”
“But you can’t badmouth your ex, or her new man, or anyone else on her side of things, really, in front of the kids because the kids will have to interact with those people and deserve to make their own opinions about them.”
“If that person is dangerous, you deal through the courts.”
“Otherwise, this is just something you have to live with.”
“It sucks.”- rockology_adam
“The real victims in all of this is your children and you are making it harder on them.”
“They have to live part-time with their mother and her SO, and for your children’s sake, try and make it a peaceful existence.”
“I know you are still hurt and angry, but YTA.”- BurritoBowlw_guac
“YTA.”
“Your children are so so young, they do not need to be dragged into adult issues.”
“It is your job as a father to shield and protect your children, not parade your issues in front of them.”
“If they were in their teens, I could excuse it a bit, but they are very young, their household has shattered, and they are dealing with a lot of complex issues and emotions.”
“They don’t need you to make it worse.”
“I understand that what your ex did was wrong. It is not that you are not the wronged party, however, becoming bitter and angry and displaying that in front of your children is not going to help your relationship going forward with them, nor is it going to look good for you in future custody talks.”
“You’re 46; you are fully capable of restraining your words until you are with your buddies or adult family members to vent; there’s zero reason your children should hear anything negative about either parent here; it only hurts them.”
“IMO there are two separate issues here, your wife is the ‘monster’ for her cheating, but you are allowing that to turn you into a bitter and angry person and making that your kids problem makes you a ‘monster’ in a different way.”
“Also…your neighbor didn’t make vows to you. Your wife did.”
“You’re making him a scapegoat for your wife’s actions and the failure of your marriage.”
“If it wasn’t him it would’ve been someone else, why create a toxic relationship with someone your kids are going to have to interact with 50% of their lives?”
“Your focus should be on what is best for your children, and this behavior is not.”- Primary-Falcon-4109
“YTA.”
“And let’s be clear, ‘trying to be the mature adult here’ is not calling your ex’s partner obscenities in front of your young children.”
“And no one believes it’s ‘a slip up’.”
“You WANT your kids to know you hate him, and I suspect you want them to hate him too.”
“‘I can’t see why I need to be respectful towards the man who stole my wife and broke up our family’.”
“Because doing otherwise is called parental alienation, and your ex can take you to court for it.”
“You’re making your kids feel like they have to choose between you and their mom.”
“Look, I get it; you feel wronged and that this whole situation isn’t fair.”
“Too bad.”
“Suck it up for your kids and stop putting them in the middle.”
“Vent to a therapist because behaving like you’re entitled to act like a petulant toddler isn’t doing you or your kids any good.”- Katerh
“YTA.”
“Not for hating him or your ex.”
“You are an AH for bringing your kids into it.”
“Vent and insult him all you want, but not in front of your young children.”
“They don’t need to be dragged into the adults’ problems.”- WebAcceptable7932
“YTA and frankly, playing a very dangerous game here.”
“Is what your ex and her BF did abhorrent?”
“Yes.”
“Is life fair?”
“No.”
“When you call another party names in front your kids and kids will internalize it.”
“Your ex could use that to claim you are alienating them from her and her BF, and the courts will not look kindly on that, and it’s possible to reduce your custody.”
“On the list of priorities, numbers 1 through 1,000 should be your children.”
“That means doing all you can (and even working beyond what you think you are capable of) to make this transition in their lives as smooth as possible, and that means suppressing anger, frustration, rage, etc.”
“In when there even a remote change they could see or hear you.”
“And, as your kids get older, they may start to resent you for putting the emotional pressure on them to not like their mom’s boyfriend.”- NapTimeIsBest
“YTA.”
“I can only imagine how stressful it is for your kids to be witnessing their parents splitting up in real time.”
“You’re adding fuel to the fire by calling the man names around the kids.”
“Doing this isn’t going to make anything better.”
“Your kids will just think this kind of behavior is okay, or will just upset them further seeing you act this way.”
“Just ignore them and work on your temperament.”
“Try and do things that make you feel good.”
“This situation sucks but calling him names isn’t going to change anything.”- bubblegumfudge
“YTA.”
“Call him names and vent if you need to, but doing this in front of the kids is not okay.”
“It doesn’t matter how angry you are at them; she is their mother, and you can’t and shouldn’t cut her out of their life.”
“You need to co-parent.”
“At the very least you need to not drag the children into your issues.”- HauntedReader
It’s very painful to be the victim of infidelity.
On par or worse, however, is being the child of divorce.
As sad and angry as the OP is, what’s most important for him right now is to be as loving and present a father to his children as possible.
Something calling his ex-wife’s new boyfriend petty names is not going to accomplish.