The merging of families is an exciting chapter for new beginnings, and when it goes smoothly, it's like winning the lottery.
But when teenage step-siblings share the same living space together, it's not always rosy as it was depicted on The Brady Bunch.
Come to think of the all-time popular syndicated TV show, it's baffling how three girls and three boys shared ONE bathroom together without major drama, but that's neither here nor there.
Redditor "chancecreator" is a man with three teenage boys who welcomed his new wife and her daughter into his home. Drama ensued after one of the boys had a problem pertaining to his stepsister's gender-specific bathroom needs.
So the dad took to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to find out what readers had to say about his reaction to the dilemma.
The Original Poster (OP) asked:
"AITA for telling my stepdaughter to stop using period products in the bathroom she shares with my teenage sons?"
He began the post by describing the new living situation.
"I have been living with my new wife and stepdaughter for about 6 months now. She's 19, almost 20, and I have three sons aged 18, 16 and 15."
"She's a really good kid and she's a good influence on my sons, I really enjoy having her around."
"My wife and her daughter moved into my house and sold theirs. My stepdaughters father isn't present in her life, nor is my sons' mother. All four children share a bathroom."
"My sons have never lived for a long period of time with a woman, nor have any of them had long term girlfriends. They had short visitation periods when they were younger but never longer than an hour, so living with two women has been unusual for them."
The OP had a man-to-man discussion with his son who had a complaint about his stepsister.
"My eldest son, 18, came to me last week and told me that his stepsister disposes of her used sanitary products in the trash can they share, but doesn't use toilet roll or sandwich bags to disguise what they are, and it makes him uncomfortable which I think is reasonable."
"My sons are teenage boys and don't want to see their stepsisters period products on full display."
Subsequently, there was a discussion between the OP and his stepdaughter.
"A few nights ago I went into the kitchen to grab a snack and she was there doing some work for university."
"My wife had mentioned that she knew she was on her period so I took it as an opportunity to have a word with her. I told her my sons were uncomfortable and asked her if she'd mind putting her used products in diaper bags or flushing them down the toilet."
"She laughed and told me it was rich coming from a man who 'sheds like a gorilla' and has produced 'three skid marking sons' which I thought was just an unnecessary attack."
"I've been nothing but nice to the girl and it's hardly a comparison. My sons shouldn't be subjected to her unhygienic products if it makes them uncomfortable."
School was officially in session, but the OP proved to be an uncooperative pupil.
"She went on to lecture me about how tampons can't be flushed and that it's bad for the environment if she uses diaper bags for every one which I think is just an excuse."
"I called her a scruff and told her that this was my house and that what I say goes."
"I later asked my wife if she could have a word with her and she told me I was being ridiculous and that her daughter has had her period for ten years and knows what she's doing."
"When I told her it was making my sons uncomfortable she said my sons needed to get a grip and turned over and went to sleep."
"This is a genuine issue to me and she didn't care enough to have a discussion about it. I asked my stepdaughter again in the morning and she did the same as her mother, completely dismissed it."
"Both of them have told me to stop being so silly but I don't see how I'm being unreasonable when it makes my sons uncomfortable."
Not knowing who else to turn to, he sought Redditors' advice and asked AITA.
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors representing both genders flipped on the OP for his ignorance.
"YTA. Sorry but what? I'm a guy and realize this is ridiculous."
"You need to help yourself and your son's become better men and accept that it's a natural process."
"Are you uncomfortable with your wife's use of the same? I assume not so teach your sons to be better." – manwithoutaplanTO
"Also chiming in on the top comment to say that not only is this post ridiculous, it's sexist af. It is normal for a 19 year old female body to menstruate."
"OP's sons need to get comfortable with that fact, fast, and learn that women don't have to adjust their behavior to make them comfortable."
"It is not, on the other hand, normal or okay to leave skidmarks (or tons of hair) in shared spaces without cleaning up after yourself. YTA, OP." – GalacticaActually
This person justified the stepdaughter's reaction.
"Hijacking the top comment since I doubt Op will edit to add this in."
"He said in his replies that she wraps the pads/tampons in the packaging before throwing them away. So the sons can't even see any blood! And the garbage bin has a lid."
"This is beyond ridiculous. I'm not surprised the stepdaughter snapped." – witchwhichwish
"Wait, what? From just reading the post, I thought maybe she was just laying them open, blood up, in an open trash can."
"But she's wrapping them in the package in a trash can with lid? This is just ridiculous."
"OP, YTA, and you should be thanking your lucky stars (and your wallet, and the plumbing gods) that she's not agreeing with you to flush her products."
"Hey, OP, how about instead of shaming your stepdaughter for a natural function, you teach your sons all about natural body functions, and how it's nothing to be grossed out about."
"Help make them better men, and then if they ever do get married they'll be better husbands. Or, y'know, keep doing what you're doing and then wonder why your second marriage crumbled, and why your daughters-in-law keep complaining about what jerks your sons are." – Brightspt2
When one of the comments implied that the boys would still be triggered from catching a glimpse of the disposed product in a lidded trash receptacle, this Redditor responded.
"I think just knowing they're there is enough. They probably get triggered seeing the box of unused ones on 'their' shelf."
"It's not bad enough sharing her bathroom with four dudes, when you know damn well she gets stuck with all the cleaning, but they have to give her sh*t about her period too." – PassThePeachSchnapps
"OP, she's doing them a favor by treating them like mature human males who can handle the fact that women have periods."
"This is something they need to come to terms with now so they don't act like childish jerks when they have a girlfriend, wife, or daughter of their own."
"In fact, I think they should have to buy products for her just to get over their supposed fear of periods. And make them take the bathroom trash out. I promise it won't hurt them."
"Oh - YTA for vilifying a woman's basic bodily functions." – Alarmed-Volume
The OP gave a positive update, describing the brilliant manner in which the ladies schooled the men in the household about menstruation.
"UPDATE — Not even two hours after I posted this, my wife and stepdaughter gathered my sons and I and gave us a full intensive 'periods for pricks' course, Powerpoint and all."
"It was a hoot, they made an interactive quiz and everything. My sons and I learned a lot and apologised to my stepdaughter."
Good on them. Can we get a copy of those slides?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp