Reddit Mindless_Command7079 is a stay-at-home mother who has recently been under a lot of stress.
Her anxiety was further exacerbated after suffering a spontaneous loss, which left her bedridden.
Fortunately, her husband was there for emotional support by taking time off from work to take care of their daughter.
But she didn't receive an equal amount of compassion from everyone in the family.
She visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit after an unsettling phone conversation and asked:
"AITA for not telling my MIL about my miscarriage?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"These past few months have been a lot for me. I quit my job a little while back, I took my daughter out of daycare, and I have been trying to be a SAHM."
"I used to be teacher, but after my state restricted what I could teach my students about history, and asked me to teach them about how to use war tactics to survive school shootings, I quit."
"I have been horribly depressed, and I have felt like I have been just going through the motions of being a mother to my daughter. Last week, I woke up to horrible pain and a bed covered in blood."
"My husband took me to the ER to find out I was in the beginning stages of a miscarriage."
"I basically haven't left my bed since. My husband took a week off work to stay home with my daughter and I assumed that he told his mother about the miscarriage."
"I got a call today from my MIL asking me about the progression of my pregnancy and I broke down over the phone, telling her the truth."
"She got really quiet for a while then said that I should've told her immediately because she bought me a Snoo, which is a really expensive bassinet which rocks your baby back and forth."
"She then got angry at me for putting my unborn child in jeopardy. IDK what she means by that, I did everything I could to preserve this pregnancy."
"I finally hung up on her and have been laying in bed next to my daughter while she naps. My husband has texted me saying he is so sorry about how his mother is behaving but I keep telling him it's not his fault."
"I knew that my MIL was planning on buying a snoo but I didn't think she already had."
"AITA for not telling my MIL I miscarried sooner?"
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole in the situation.
"OMGODS HONEY... you are so not the asshole. Your MIL can return the snoo, ffs. You're legitimately in poor health and deserve kindness and understanding, not a damned lecture about a the cost of a THING."
"Your MIL also covertly accused you of being responsible for your own miscarriage, which is outrageously vicious. I think your spouse recognizes that his mom is out of line; you should too." – EvolvingWren
"Can I just ask, why do some people feel the need to do blame the woman who just LOST A CHILD for the miscarriage?? It's incredibly hurtful and unnecessary."
"Also, NTA. Focus on you and your family right now." – DC_Verse
"NTA but your MIL is TA. Somehow she managed to make your miscarriage about herself and framed it as YOU being inconsiderate. Jesus, please take all the time you need to yourself and it's no one's business but yours and your SOs."
"No one is entitled to that info and you aren't on their timeline to tell them what is going on. Tell her where to shove that snoo." – maaya_the_bee
"Nta but your MIL. Her first concern should be that you are ok and recovering well not the money she spent on this fetus."
"You were in ypur own grief and depression and recovery, it's not your job to tell everyone. Your husband doesn't have to immediately, either."
"Your MIL is being selfish and I'd let her know[and husband] that shaming you after this event is not ok and she needs to apologize. I hope you recover well and get some therapy for this and help for your depression." – PipeInevitable9383
"NTA- Your MIL was cruel. You did nothing to put your pregnancy in jeopardy. You did nothing wrong. Miscarriages rarely happen for any reason other than the pregnancy would have never been viable."
"Take your time and grieve. Ignore her cruelty as best you can. I know it's hard but try to not let her believe her words of blame." – dukecherie
"Of course NTA. You don't say how far along you were when you had the miscarriage, but it's your MIL's fault for buying an expensive item before the baby is born. And if it were possible to cause a miscarriage, there would be no need for abortions."
"Your MIL is just mean but your husband sounds wonderful. Let him talk to her in the future and you stay away. Get help for your depression, though. You need to feel better and your daughter needs a healthy mother." – Malibucat48
"NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. Your medical information is 10000% NOT her business. You choose when to share it."
"You need to take care of yourself and heal emotionally and physically. Nowhere in there should be concern for her feelings. Your MIL sounds selfish and narcissistic; screw her!" – Special_Respond7372
"NTA and sending you Jedi mind hugs, mama! Please consider going NC with MIL as you heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually; as your hubby knows his mother is ridiculous, he should be able to act as interference for a good long while."
"And, if you think of it, feel free to print out this comment, because your MIL should know that her reaction was cruel, self-absorbed, rude, uncharitable, and indicative of a person with no redeeming qualities besides ownership of a snoo." - ladytypeperson
"NTA She was way out of line."
"Also: You seem to be struggling with being a SAHM. There is nothing wrong with needing an outlet outside the home, especially if your former career as a teacher was more a calling than just a job to you."
"Have you considered private tutoring either for pay or as a volunteer? Even if you just start out a few hours a week with a student or two that may be enough to help." – Appropriate-Bar-2822
"NTA. Your MIL sure is lacking in the compassion department. A miscarriage isn't a mere inconvenience, it's an heartbreaking tragedy. Hopefully by now, your husband has ripped his mother a new one for her comment."
"You should go NC with your MIL for a while, and ask your husband not to share any news with her regarding this. You need to heal, and the last thing you need is someone constantly ripping open the wound." – DarkViolet99
"NTA at all."
"Here's what your MIL should have said: I'm sorry. Is there anything I can bring you for dinner? Would it be helpful for me to take my grandchild for a few hours? May I come clean your bathroom?"
"Her purchases are her problem. She could keep it for later or for someone else, return it, sell it, or donate it—she can keep her disappointment to herself. Nobody has any business trying to place blame for your miscarriage."
"I am so sorry you lost your baby. May God grant you healing of body and soul."
"You may want to ask a friend to make calls to people you've announced the pregnancy to, to let people know about the miscarriage so you have a bit of a buffer from people's reactions." – Iwasgunna
"NTA. Oh honey, the last thing on your mind should have been the needs of your self centered unkind mil. I'm so sorry."
"She traumatized you after so much difficulty (the perverted history restriction issue, the teachers and little children lives endangered with our National gun practices ) and then your miscarriage. Thank goodness your husband is a rational loving person and understands how completely harmful and disordered your MIL is."
"I'm certain that between the two of you you will figure out how to navigate knowing her, but you're really truly should consider being unavailable by phone to her for the foreseeable future, if not centuries from now. I am so very sorry. You take care." – mcclgwe
"NTA. Your MIL on the other hand is a huge a**hole. I am so sorry about everything you've had to deal with, your job, miscarriage, and now your MIL. She showed no empathy towards your miscarriage and was only concerned about herself, and then to blame it all on you?! Hell no." – SnooBananas9424
Overall, Redditors did not have kind words for the MIL.
They thought she was way out of line for blaming the OP for the miscarriage and for caring more about the money lost from spending it on an expensive gift.
Redditors continued giving the OP some compassion for her suffering and they encouraged her to continue getting some rest.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.