There are some things you can never joke about when you're married, at least for our Redditor who felt emasculated.
When a guy's wife blabbed about something that he never expected would come out of her mouth in front of friends, he seriously considered making a unilateral decision.
Wracked with guilt over his contemplation, he visited the "Am I the A** Hole?" subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Jumpy_Discipline5926 asked:
"AITAH for thinking about divorcing my wife after she drunkenly exposed me to our group of friends?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Guys, I literally don't know what to do after this weekend. Posting from a burner account since I am connected with a lot of friends and family on my account."
"The issue here happened Saturday night. We had our friend group over. There are 6 of us couples in there and we were hosting at our house. The night was progressing pretty normal, we had done dinner and were just hanging on the couches chatting."
"Everyone had been drinking over the course of the evening so we were all pretty comfy. My wife Amy (all names fake) was talking with one of other girls about my new job. I recently got a promotion that comes with a nice raise."
"The down side is that I have to travel a decent amount (up to 2 weeks a month, but only 3-4 days at a time at most). We were excited for the changes the extra income will provide and how it will change our future so the travel was something we agreed to being worth it."
The OP continued:
"As they were chatting her friend Pamela was talking about how they make it work since her husband also travels for work a lot. The conversation was actually quite helpful honestly in a lot of ways as there were some good ideas in there!"
"That is until it happened. Heidi jokingly said 'and be sure to order some sex toys that are the same size as him so you can still have sex while he is gone!' Now she was giggling, just making light of the fact that I would be gone and that the biggest challenge they had was the interruption to their sex life. No harm in this right?"
"That is until my wife says it. 'I don't think they make them that tiny.' Guys - I went totally pale. Everyone stopped talking and you could just feel the awkwardness in the room."
"I think she realized what she had said because she tried to back peddle. But the damage was done. I just stared at her in disbelief. She just kept trying to back peddle and saying 'I'm so sorry.' "
"I just stood up and walked out. I didn't know what to say or do. I headed over to a buddies house (I was sober, I don't drink). I didn't tell him the story just that we had an argument. But I feel so violated by Amy."
The OP shared the following statistic.
"Now the back story here - what she said is most likely true. I am not endowed, at all. I have known this my whole life basically. Any guy can back me up when I say we are all conscious of our size. I'm just under 3" erect."
"I have ALWAYS been super insecure about it. But our sex life also was never lacking because I made up for it in other ways in the bedroom and she has never lacked in the orgasm department we just get there order ways sometimes."
"Now here is where I feel like the AH - I want to divorce her. I feel so violated. I feel like I can never see these friends again. I feel like ALL they will be thinking about when I am around is her comment and, well 'How tiny is it really.' "
"But my AH feeling comes in because I also have known for a long time that it is small, so I steered into the skis, I guess you could say, and am more submissive in the bedroom and enjoy it when she pokes fun at it in the bedroom. But that was just us."
"But I just feel so violated with it being now public knowledge. But I also may have made my bed here by being okay with the dirty talk? I don't know."
"And for those wondering yes she has called and texted a ton yesterday apologizing for outing me, but I told her I needed space for a bit."
"Honestly I don't even know if I'll read the replies. I just needed to vent this somewhere, and I have no one to talk to about it. My buddy I'm staying with just thinks we had a fight. I feel so lost."
"I feel like an AH, but just don't know if I can trust her again or feel secure enough to see any of them again."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"Naw man. She doubled down on her statement by saying, 'I'm so sorry,' letting everyone know it was the truth. Just kidding. he's huge and would have covered the backpedaling. She acknowledged it as true, and you leaving embarrassed,triple downed the statement. NTA. That was deliberate." – Blackwater2646
"NTA."
"That is a deep hurt she rendered you, in front of your friends."
"Thinking what you think, feeling what you feel-those never make you an a**hole."
"it takes actions to make an a**hole."
"So, if you do decide this is worthy of divorce, be clear with yourself as to what it will remedy and what it will not."
"The words, in company, will never be unsaid. So, in terms of how you feel exposed in front of those friends-divorce will not help that."
"If in all other ways (or enough other ways) you have been happy in your marriage, then it may help you to get counseling for yourself, and possibly yourselves as a couple."
"She may have been drunk, but she said it. She needs to take responsibility for it, and uncover why she would say such a demeaning thing about you. Is there some unhappiness in your marriage that she was paying you back for?"
"This is above Reddit's pay grade to fully resolve, but above all, you are NTA."
"And you are ENOUGH. You are a man deserving of respect and love from your partner."
"I hope you find a way through to heal yourself." – RubyTx
"She violated your boundaries and humiliated you in front of your friends. Drunk or not, she showed a lack of respect for you - and respect is fundamental in a relationship."
"Whether you try to salvage this or not is up to you. I think that, even if you do, you may need to find a new group of friends, and that is a big ask. I'm of the mind that the only antidote to public humiliation is public lionization, in terms of her respect for you, but that won't change what the old friends heard."
"Either way, NTA." – Thumatingra
"NTA I don't think alcohol is a valid excuse for saying that in front of her friends. I'm not as big as most of those toys either, so don't feel too bad. Most people aren't."
"Also, a lot of women can't orgasm from penetration alone regardless of your size."
"It was a gross violation of your trust. People who have seen you naked have seen you at your most vulnerable. If you commented on her body as a man, they probably would have burned you at the stake ."
"I don't know if you can come back from that. If you want to try counseling, you can. For me, I don't think counseling would help. I wouldn't trust her or be attracted to her anymore. That is such a big turn off when someone insults your physique." – tigerofjiangdong1337
"NTA. My husband was on the smaller side (never mattered to me) but he was super insecure about it. I would have NEVER said anything like that in front of my friends. My friends had asked about his size because some of my friends are kinda immature, and all I said was 'no complaints here.' It was the truth, and his insecurity never needed to come to light."
"Before kids, I had barely there boobs. I hated it and didn't feel sexy or like a woman. If anyone I was with made some kind of comment about my boobs like that in front of a bunch of people, I don't think I would ever be able to let it go."
"IMO, if she didn't have a problem with your size, that comment wouldn't have been made." – Purple_Driver6815
Overall, Redditors remained a constant voice of support for the OP.
They also agreed that his wife definitely crossed a line, one that is hard to come back from.
Do you think the remark made at the husband's expense was beyond the pale?
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.