Having children is a responsibility, no matter what. However, having a child with special needs incurs additional challenges and attention.
Redditor Dramatic-Currency289 is the mother of a teenage girl with substantial additional needs to an average child.
The Original Poster (OP) and her ex-husband had agreed not to have more children when they were together in order to provide their daughter with the care she needed and deserved.
The OP and her ex got divorced, and the OP's ex-husband remarried.
Recently, the ex and his new wife had a baby.
This surprised the OP based on the previous agreement she had with her ex.
Now the situation has escalated, and the OP's ex's new wife is frustrated that her husband won't prioritize the baby over his daughter.
This caused the OP to snap, eventually going to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for saying 'you should've thought about that before you procreated'?"
She went on to explain:
"My ex and I have a 13-year-old daughter, 'Nicole'. Nicole has several medical conditions that require a lot of attention. She will need some sort of in-home assistance for the rest of her life."
"While we have an aide to help a couple of days a week, it is still a challenge. The outcome of Nicole's condition became clear when she was 2."
"At that point, my ex and I agreed we wouldn't have more kids because it wouldn't be fair to anyone. There'd be no way we could focus attention on two kids. Someone would lose out in this situation."
"We divorced when Nicole was 5. We originally had 50/50 custody. 3 years later, my ex remarried."
"His new wife, Callie, is nice. My ex did say that she didn't understand the severity of Nicole's condition. I figured there was a learning curve."
"Eventually, Callie basically said she wanted to be hands-off. Which I respected, though I wondered how it'd work considering Nicole lives with them half the time."
"Last year, my ex and Callie had a baby. I was a little surprised, given my ex was always firm on not having more kids, but figured it wasn't any of my business."
"He did begin to complain that it was a lot of work juggling Nicole and the baby. I sympathized but really didn't know what else to say."
"Recently, the venting got worse. He said Callie yelled at him for taking Nicole to her physical therapy appointment instead of helping her with the baby."
"He brought up potentially having Nicole stay with me more. I wasn't entirely shocked, but it pissed me off."
"I said Nicole was his daughter. He can't just abandon that responsibility. He asked what he was supposed to do about the baby."
"I said, 'Maybe you should've thought of that before you procreated? I mean, really, we discussed this ten years ago as to why it'd be hard to juggle two kids.'"
"'Why did you think having another would be a good idea?' He got quiet and said Callie wanted a baby."
"I said that isn't enough of a reason, and maybe he should've thought harder before bringing more life into this world."
"The conversation ended with me saying I'd call my lawyer, and we could arrange for him to have less custody as I'd rather my daughter be properly cared for than be viewed as a burden."
"Callie called me that night very upset that I had made my ex cry and that I said her baby shouldn't exist. I said that's not what I said completely, more that they didn't think it through."
"She called me a jerk."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"I assume Callie had this dream of Nicole magically disappearing over to your place so she and her ex can have just their happy new trio. "
"You are absolutely correct to hold him accountable, esp if Nicole has the mental capacity to be aware she's being shut out. NTA" - Only-Ingenuity7889
"NTA - it's the truth and honestly Callie is the one in the wrong, If Nicole is with them and needs to be somewhere..."
"...then her father had better take her and Callie can deal with the baby!" - Lunar-Eclipse0204
"NTA. I'd go to the lawyer who originally handled the divorce if you had one and basically tell them what's going on."
"Say you want an increase in child support if you're getting it for your ex being more hands-off OR your ex continues giving the same amount of care."
"Once it gets before a judge, tell them the same thing you told us and the lawyer and that it's non-negotiable."
"More money or your ex's involvement remains the same, up to your ex and the judge." - Efficient_Wheel_6333
"NTA."
"A lot of people don't want to hear 'you should be practical' when it comes to having more children, but godd*mn it should be said way more often."
"Hold their a**es accountable; it's his daughter, and Callie chose to marry him knowing he had a special needs daughter."
"If she didn't 'fully understand' the situation, that was on her. Those are questions that should be asked and answers that should be understood before saying 'I do.'"
"Get custody and get child support." - SpaceyScribe
"NTA in any possible way. He FAFO. Make sure any support is adjusted as well. If he's putting in less effort, he needs to pay to compensate. And push for the maximum possible." - The_Bad_Agent
"NTA. The second Callie insisted on being hands-off with Nicole, that should have been a red flag 🚩 to your idiot ex."
"He married someone who told him she wants nothing to do with his kid, and he thought having a baby with her was smart?"
"Apparently, Callie also didn't understand how much work a baby is."
"She is that self-centered dingbat who had a kid thinking it would be all baby cuddles and cute matching outfits, and found out instead that it's work." - nursepenguin36
"NTA. He's finding out that the decision long ago was the right one."
"He needs to understand that he made the choice to have another child, but he still has a huge responsibility to his first one. He can't just push her aside."
"Go after full custody and all the child support the law allows. You're going to need it for your daughter's care for the rest of her life." - Fearless_Ad1685
"NTA"
"Your ex and Callie sound like immature and thoughtless people. I'd prepare to be Nicole's main caretaker."
"Hopefully, it doesn't come to this, but it's best to not be caught off guard if your ex decides to not take care of Nicole." - TissueOfLies
"NTA. You had every right to say what you did. Callie wants to be hands-off. Let her butt out." - Regular_Boot_3540
"You go Mama Bear! Once he wanted to lessen the visits, that was time to make them zero from a Mama Bear point of view."
"As Callie has shown, she isn't warmed to your child. And he has shown Nicole has become less of a priority. He probably told his current that you said what she claims you said to him."
"Truly, though, if Nicole wants to see her dad, then fewer visits would be better than none. Nicole's feelings come first. Her well-being is first."
"You know she is getting the shaft, but hopefully she won't." - pensaha
"Yeah I saw the top comment and that was my immediate thought, Callie thought that your daughter would disappear from her life when she had her own baby."
"Well, if you end up with full custody, make sure good ex pays you much more in child support. You will see how his wife likes that." - NaturesVividPictures
"I'd feel bad for Nicole, though, if her dad just leaves her life, though, since you said Nicole lives with them half the time."
"She's 13. Definitely old enough to know that she used to see dad a lot, and now suddenly he's never around."
"Maybe it turns into 60/40 custody or something, but I hope he stays in her life even if it is less than it was originally." - FrostyIcePrincess
"I was the baby with an disability so i know how hard it was for my parents raising me.. because of this that i am the only child now.."
"Your ex is an irresponsible person; if he wanted more children, cool, but he has to understand that he already has a commitment with one child that he chose to put in the world.."
"he complaining will change nothing, what he will do? Abandoning his child just because it's an inconvenience to his new life? he is an awful parent."
"Get his a** sued for more child support and get full custody too..."
"NTA" - CuriousLope
"You were wrong in saying he 'should have thought of that before he procreated.'"
"He should have thought of that when Callie proved she wanted nothing to do with your daughter."
"She wants Nicole out of their lives. I'm willing to bet good money she says some really horrible things about your daughter to her friends and family..."
"...and if she doesn't say them, she certainly thinks them very loudly."
"The fact Callie didn't believe him about the level of Nicole's disability at first, and then claimed she wanted nothing to do with her is proof to me..."
"...that when Callie had a child, she would begin to demand your ex focus on their baby, cutting out Nicole."
"Callie's gonna use this as further ammunition against you and, by extension, Nicole. I understand that your ex has to do his share..."
"...but you really need to think long and hard about whether you want to leave your disabled child in a household with a person who hates her..."
"...and will encourage her husband to neglect Nicole in favor of their new baby. And who knows what she will encourage their child to do to Nicole as they get older."
"NTA, but you need to figure something out with your ex. Either call him out on Callie's consistent lack of concern for Nicole and try to force an intervention..."
"...or tell him he's lost all parental rights as he clearly only cares for his new family, and you cannot trust any of them around your disabled daughter." - D*mnitGravity
It's clear this was a very challenging situation where all of the adults needed to come together to plan for both kids.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.