Grief is a complex emotion that people handle in many ways. Some of them are unacceptable, like lashing out at others.
They say, "hurt people hurt [other] people, but grieving is a reason and never an excuse."
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after her fiancé behaved poorly.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Twinkletits99 asked:
"AITAH for refusing to take down photos of my family because they make my fiancé uncomfortable?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Last night my fiancé (25, male) and I (26, female) got into an argument after coming home from the movies. It started by him saying I was being boring and not talking while coming home."
"For a little context, I have been working all week and waking up at 5:00 a.m everyday. This specific weekend, my fiancé had to work the morning shift instead of his usual night shift, so he had to be up at 6:00 a.m."
"I am the type of person who can not hear someone else’s alarm and go back to sleep. Once I am awake and there is sunlight, I'm up for the day."
"So after the movie it was 11:30 p.m and I was a little tired. I told him this in a calm way not trying to make him feel bad, but he started saying I never take accountability and always have an excuse for how I act."
"After about 20 minutes of petty arguments, he was talking with his hands and knocked a jar that my grandfather gave me off the table. In the moment I said, 'Oh no my Grandpa gave me that' and started trying to clean everything up."
"I guess he had cut his hand on some of the glass and went to the bathroom to fix it up, but I hadn’t noticed. When he came back, he started in on how I don’t care about him and only care about all of the sentimental stuff around the house."
"He says he hates that he has to tiptoe around and worry about not breaking stuff. He told me it makes him uncomfortable to see the photo of my family and the flower memory glass I have."
"He said it’s sad that I still hold on to that when they’ve been gone for so long, and it depresses him to live in a house of that reminder. He also said that they never cared about me, but he does, so why would I keep that trauma around me all that time and not focus on him."
"For some reference, my parents both passed away when I was young, and my brother a couple of years ago. All 3 lost their battle with depression and addiction at different times of my life."
"I have a small memorial thing with the only family photo we had, which was when I was 3 and my brother was 10. It’s very small and on a middle shelf of a 3- tier corner shelf in our living room."
"As for anything else, he would have to 'tip-toe' around, it would be just small hand-me-down items from my grandparents that I use as decoration or a couple of furniture items."
"After he said this, I told him these are things that mean a lot to me and that I would not take them down because they make him uncomfortable. I told him that there are a lot of decor items around that house that aren’t exactly my taste, but I would never make him take them down because this is his space too."
"He kept taking me explaining this so badly and started taking all of his pictures off the walls. He got so offended by me saying I didn’t like some of his wall art, but him saying that about very personal items of mine is okay?"
"So, AITAH for refusing the take it down?"
"Is it weird that I have the memorial when it’s been so many years? Or is he being unreasonable and insensitive? I’d appreciate any input!"
The OP later added:
"To add a little more context on our relationship, we don’t argue much and when we do it’s usually over small things. We’ve been together for 6 years now and engaged 2."
"Before last night, he was always so respectful and understanding. He even helped carry the casket at my brother's funeral. He was there for me through everything and never made me feel like a burden when I would spill all of my trauma after a few too many glasses of wine."
"He also lost his brother 2 months after mine. We went through a lot of the same pain around the same time and that grew us a lot closer. This past week, his brother's killer's trial was going on and he had to sit through all of that trauma again."
"That man was found guilty for anyone who might be curious. But anyway, not excusing his actions or anything he had said, but just to give context that the past week has not been the best emotionally. So that is a major part of why the argument started."
"For the jar, it was on a small shelf close by to where we were talking, and it did not look like he did it on purpose. However, I will never truly know. The cut happened when he bent down to try to pick up a piece. Hope this can give a little more insight to why I am with him in the first place and what led up to this."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to want mementos of loved ones around (NTA).
"I don’t think you should marry someone who makes mountains out of molehills and treats you and your items and memories with disrespect."
"You shouldn’t have to take memories down of your family who have passed, a partner is supposed to support you not find everything you do as an attack."
"And I don’t understand how an adult man is unable to walk around a house without breaking things." ~ RyyAndee
"You don’t treat someone you love like that, hate to be that type of Redditor, but you should break up." ~ Pleasant-Ad-6910
"If this is truly a one-off experience, it still requires a conversation if you plan to stay with him. It sounds like your fiancé was looking for a fight and kept pushing your buttons until he got one so that he could then act offended and like the injured party and wallow in self pity."
"With your added context, it seems like he was in emotional pain, but this wasn't how he should have dealt with it. I'd make a list of all the unacceptable things he said and did, then sit him down to talk. Be empathetic, but don't be a doormat."
"Let him know it's OK to want to vent when he's upset, but you're not going to be his emotional punching bag. Also take this time to discuss the fact a blended household will have parts that are both of you and parts that are just one of you, but a tantrum isn't the way to resolve decor issues."
"If he refuses to talk or throws another stomping fit, then you know who he is because he just showed you." ~ MohawMais
"I’d be less concerned about the memorial photos and more concerned about the fact that he framed your attachment to your family as a problem." ~ babydollvibesz
"I will say, after reading the edit, that if this is truly anomalous behavior, it MIGHT be worth overlooking, IF he apologizes and recognizes that his behavior was completely bananas and cruel."
"The only reason I say this is that the trial for someone who caused the death of a loved family member is enough to make a person behave in unreasonable and unacceptable ways. A crash-out like this is horrible, but he may just not be in his right mind, and reacting to a reminder of dead loved ones in an uncharacteristic way." ~ AnxietyOctopus
"I agree. He’s probably grieving and is angry that he lost his brother, etc. That would be really hard for anyone. But he still owes OP an apology and an explanation for his unacceptable behavior." ~ HotDonnaC
"Hard agree. That would put anyone in a chaotic state of mind and lead them to behave in otherwise unreasonable ways. Definitely needs to be addressed and is not 'okay,' but it can move it into forgivable territory if he owns it and apologizes." ~ Realistic_Bit6965
The OP offered a quick update:
"I am for sure re-thinking a lot of things and trying to get together how to have a conversation with him. I appreciate all of your comments!"
Hopefully this was a one-off tantrum caused by grief and fatigue. Regardless, it requires a conversation if OP plans to stay in this relationship.
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