Everyone has secrets from the past they'd rather not discuss.
So why is it others can't let people have peace about the past sometimes?
And if someone's past comes up... are jokes appropriate?
Case in point...
Redditor Exciting_Stick_2674 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for embarrassing my F[ather] I[n] L[aw] after I repeatedly asked him to explain his joke to me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (27 F[emale]) used to be an 'escort' from 18 until I was 23."
"I'm not proud of it, but I also don't give a f**k because I did what I had to do to keep studying and keep a roof over my head."
"That's how I met my now fiancé (37 M[ale]) though he was never my client."
"We began to date when I was 25."
"And three or four months after that his B[rother] I[n] L[aw] ''exposed me'' (no idea how he found out) because there's no way my fiancé knew and thus we had to come clean in front of his whole family."
"Yes, I did that. Yes, he knows. Yes, he doesn't care."
"It was 2 years ago (at that time), we got over it."
"After that, there was a span of 3-4 months in where my M[other] I[n] L[aw] and some of my fiancé's aunts and cousin 'police' their husbands when I was around."
"It was really weird to be honest because these dudes were like 40-60 years old and I wasn't that desperate, so my fiancé shut their bull**it up hard."
"And even when his family still gives me the side eye from time to time, we thought it was behind us."
"He proposed last year and five months ago we found out that I was pregnant."
"We were really happy about it, and we told his family as soon as we knew."
"His sisters and young brother were happy for us."
"But his mom took me aside and begged me to be honest with her and asked if this was really my fiancé's child."
"I was taken aback, but I just rolled my eyes and said yes."
"She gave me some shi**y speech about how 'she only wanted to make sure' and that 'she was happy to be a grandmother.'"
"Well, last weekend we were at his parents' with his family and some of his friends, and we were talking about the name."
"How he might look (small talk, we will love him regardless but there's always some 'Oh I hope he gets your nose!' or 'mmh I like your eyes, I hope he gets them' comments)."
"And my FIL said that he and his children have a birthmark in the inner tight and that even his grandchildren (one of my S[ister] I[n] L[aw]'s kids) got them, so our baby might too."
"And then he said 'But how can we know from who he got it? It may as well be from me, my boy, or my brothers' and he and his brothers began to laugh."
"My fiancé got mad and before he could say anything I said '' don't get it' and my FIL was 'yeah because it runs in the family'
"And I said again 'I don't get it, why would he get it from you?'
"And he began to get nervous and said 'because you know... it's just a joke OP.'
"And I said ''But I don't get it, and you all laughed, explain.'"
"It got to the point that some of his friends said 'hey, it's not funny' so he excused himself and left."
"Later my fiancé's BIL came to me and said that I was wrong for embarrassing him like that in his own house and that I knew what the joke was about and because of my past, I shouldn't be surprised."
"Now they're all demanding that I apologize to my FIL."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"You know you're NTA."
"They're sexually harassing you, aggressively, in a family setting."
"Honestly I would have added 'it sounds like you're implying that we've had sex, and I don't understand why that's a joke you'd make to your daughter in law.'"
"FIL clearly knows he's wrong."
"I say push back as hard as you can." ~ suchahotmess
"NTA. You did EXACTLY what needed to be done."
"If you allow them to make these jokes without calling them out it will NEVER stop."
"They will NEVER let this go."
"Every child will be scrutinized, and you will be miserable."
"And screw BIL for outing you like that. How awful."
"You tell him YOU will apologize when THEY apologize for sexually harassing you."
"You tell him that he has NO RIGHT to denigrate you, that you did your job for good money and you are done."
"You tell him that they are being pigs and THEY need to stop."
"Do NOT back down."
"If your man backs you up, awesome."
"Actually, how DID your guy react when you got home?"
"I know he got mad at FIL but what did he say when you got home?" ~ Fantastic_Weakness19
"The thing I can't wrap my brain around is how no one else in the family had an issue with his 'joke.'"
"Granted my children are under 7 so I have a few more years, but if my husband EVER makes an inappropriate comment like that to whomever my sons decide to be with, I will hurt him in extremely creative ways."
"I get that the OPs MIL sounds just as toxic, but the 'joke' was still sexual harassment, and no female in that group should be ok or comfortable with that."
"OP, you may not know it, but you hold the cards."
"YOU get to decide who has access to your unborn child and any future children y'all have."
"You get to decide who gets a wedding invite."
"You get to choose who gets to be in your life."
"Try as hard as you can to stay in open communication with your fiance so y'all have a united front against the toxicity."
"You and your child have to come first now, to you and to him."
"A strong partner can make all the difference with toxic in-laws."
"Also, obviously NTA. At all." ~ GloomyEducation6110
"NTA. FIL literally made a joke about him or other men from the family impregnating you."
"How that would make you the a**hole is beyond me."
"How does one even get to crossing that kind of line? Wtf!"
"I'd like to add that I was under the impression that jokes are supposed to be funny."
"I'd like FIL to explain to us not only the 'joke' he made, but the way jokes work in general."
"Where's the setup? What's the punchline?" ~ MiruTheSloth
"NTA. Look blank and continue to ask for an explanation."
"I don't understand."
"Why should I apologize?"
"How did I embarrass him about the joke he chose to tell?"
'What was the joke about? Why was he embarrassed?"
"He insulted me? How? Why do you think I should apologize for that?"
"Make them all explain their sh*t and think carefully about how much you want these people in your kids like." ~ tealcandtrip
"Yep. Honestly, I wouldn't let them around my kid."
"This isn't okay and is likely not going to stop."
"NTA, but please consider what kind of relationship you want these monsters to have with your child." ~ Intelligent_Sundae_5
"Exactly. And god forbid the child doesn't have the birthmark (very possible, because genetics/phenotypes like that aren't always 100%)."
"You know their first thought will be to suggest the baby isn't OP's fiancé's."
"OP, her partner, and their child do not deserve to deal with that."
"Absolutely NTA." ~ socomeslove
"Your FIL should apologize to YOU as should all of them."
"You did absolutely the right thing."
"You kept your cool in a moment when others were being nasty and offensive to you."
"If explaining his 'joke' made him so uncomfortable that he had to leave, then clearly it's him and his joke that was the problem, not you. NTA."
"PS: I love this strategy and have used it to good effect myself." ~ TimisAllia
"NTA. And I wouldn't apologize."
"That was unacceptable."
"He was trying to embarrass you and got the tables turned."
"He should have just been a gentleman and never even made the 'joke.'"
"On a side note, I would try to move away from these people."
"They are never going to treat your child the same as their others, and they will grow up hearing the snickering."
"There is nothing wrong with what you've done however I would not want my child to be treated differently because of it, and these people are just not evolved enough to be trusted to act right." ~ JenL4010
"NTA. He deserved that embarrassment."
"Just because you used to do sex work doesn't make you a cheater!"
"And family members actually think you would even be interested in their men who are twice your age???"
"They can't try to embarrass you and then cry when you send it right back."
"Your husband-to-be seems great, and that's really impressive since he doesn't seem to have had a good role model at all." ~ ThistleFaun
Well OP, sounds like Reddit is with you.
If someone is going to tell a joke, they should be able to take one.
Hopefully this situation gets easier for you and the hubby.
Congrats on the baby and good luck.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.