These days, it feels like most people are in a financial struggle to stay afloat for the basics.
And that’s before anyone even tries to buy an egg.
When times like these are happening, people find all the ways to cut back on spending.
Those cutbacks can hurt.
Redditor guilty_wife wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA, if I asked my husband to step down as groomsman, would that be okay?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband’s best friend asked him to be a groomsman months ago, and of course, he said yes.”
“We were both excited to go to the wedding.”
“Unfortunately, our financial situation has gotten very bad.”
“My husband works for the US government and we’re terrified he’s going to get laid off.”
“They are also behind on reimbursing him for work travel, so we had to borrow money from his parents to pay the mortgage, and we’re behind on every bill.”
“I’m a freelance writer, but I’m also the full-time caregiver to our toddler, so I can only work when he’s asleep.”
“My financial contributions have gone down significantly in the past year because I’m usually caregiving/cleaning.”
“We already decided that my husband can’t go to the bachelor party (a weekend in a $$$ city) because we can’t afford it.”
“We also decided that I will not attend the wedding – it’s in a different state and we can’t pay for two plane tickets (or childcare since it’s a child-free wedding).”
“The groomsmen are also required to wear customized suits, and we just don’t have the money for a custom suit.”
“The one they’re going to wear is $500.”
“I already offered to find a suit for rental that’s as close to the other suits as possible, but they (understandably) really want everyone to be matching.”
“I feel really guilty about not bringing in more money so that my husband can do what he wants.”
“I already try to minimize my financial footprint as much as possible.”
“I cut my own hair, take on as many freelance assignments as I can, don’t buy myself things.”
“In the past two years I’ve turned down invitations for two weddings, one bachelorette weekend, and two baby showers because they were all out of state and I couldn’t justify the cost of the plane ticket + travel expenses.”
“I try to do as much as I can to save money for our family and I feel awful that I can’t do more.”
“I can’t sell my eggs because I’m a carrier for cystic fibrosis, and I can’t be a surrogate because I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.”
“I’m trying to find a job that allows my son to tag along, like delivering groceries.”
“I feel so defeated and inadequate.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“WIBTA, if I asked him to just attend as a guest instead, would that be okay?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“YWNBTA – As tough as it is, it doesn’t sound like now is a good time for your husband to be spending that money.”
“If he gets laid off, you two will be in an even worse scenario, and it sounds like you’re cutting costs as much as you can.”
“Could he still attend the wedding but not be a groomsman?”
“If that reduction still isn’t enough, you’re prioritizing the right things with your bills and your child.”
“It’s a very tough time, and I wish you the best of luck.” ~ indred72
“This is something I find odd about American weddings.”
“I’m from the UK and when my wife and I got married, we paid for everything.”
“Groomsmen’s suits? We paid.”
“Bridesmaid dresses? We paid.”
“Food, drinks, everything else? Yeah, we paid.”
“If you’re making someone wear a specific outfit to be part of your day, then you should pay. NTA OP.” ~ InstantN00dl3s
“NTA. But if I were the bride and groom in this situation, I would be more than happy to pay for his suit and plane ticket, especially if it were a good friend of ours.”
“Maybe if he talks to them about dropping out, they will offer to help with the cost.”
“Maybe not. It depends on their financial situation as well.” ~ runningoutofnames57
“Prioritizing family finances is perfectly understandable. NTA.”
“He should talk to his friend.”
“If they aren’t able to help him pay for the suit, they should be understanding of his position and let him step down gracefully.”
“At least he will be able to attend the wedding.” ~ Chatkat57
“I get that your husband wants to do everything he can do for his friend, and you both have really tried to make things work with this wedding.”
“However, your family finances are more important than someone else’s wedding.”
“I’m sure he wishes he could do more, but you don’t want to take on debt when you don’t know what the future holds.”
“Sounds like it would be more prudent to step down, and allow those persons who are in a different financial situation to go on trips and buy suits.”
“Definitely NTA.” ~ SuperPookypower
“Yeah, this is really strange to me, especially if it’s an expensive wedding.”
“I paid for two full outfits and hair and makeup for my bridesmaids.”
“I even paid the flight (we’re living in a different country) for one who I know has money issues.”
“It seems so entitled to demand that your wedding party shell out a bunch of money for outfits specifically for your wedding that they’ll probably never wear again!” ~ Zealousideal-Set-592
“No, you would not be the a**hole.”
“My one concern, what are you doing for yourself?”
“I know money is tight, but books from the library are extremely affordable and you can get yourself some time to not worry about everything that way.”
“You need to find inexpensive ways to enjoy life yourself, too.”
“You deserve to be able to do what you want just as much as your husband does.” ~ sep780
“NTA. Has your husband talked to his best friend about the financial burden he’s asking for with the wedding?”
“If you’re at the point where you are considering selling body parts, surely your husband can have a hard conversation with his friend, to see if there’s anything the groom can do to lower the cost of supporting him.” ~ arsenal_kate
“Yes! If my friend came to me and said this, I would definitely help out.”
“He is having an expensive stag do, but his friend is so broke he can’t afford the suit, travel, costs, and his wife is thinking about surrogacy to pay for it?
“I’d do everything I could to facilitate my friend attending.” ~ StepfaultWife
“YWNBTA – You have clearly laid out your situation and the reasoning for everything you have asked of him.”
“This is not on you.”
“You’re providing round-the-clock child care.”
“That’s extraordinarily expensive to obtain otherwise.”
“Everything you have said is reasonable.”
“But don’t feel defeated.”
“You’re trying your best.”
“We all are.” ~ ironchef8000
“NTA. And I am going to be blunt here, if the groom and the bride care more about matching suits than who is actually able to show up?”
“They are not worth a penny from your wallet or a thought from your mind.” ~ MistressLyda
“NAH. Good luck navigating this.”
“Don’t be defeated. You are not inadequate.”
“It’s just you can’t even plan things right now, cause every day is new nonsense.” ~ pottersquash
“NAH. It sounds like you’re in a tough situation, and sometimes when the money isn’t there it just isn’t there.”
“It sucks, but you can’t let something like this put you in an even worse financial situation.”
“Hopefully hubby’s friend will understand, but at the end of the day you guys have to do the best you can with what you have.” ~ HeyWhatThe85
“YWNBTA – you need to sit down and have a real talk about finances with your husband.”
“Is he aware of the budgeting issues here?”
“Is she aware that you can’t afford it?”
“Maybe he needs to tighten his belt too?”
“What is going on?”
“You just need to sit down after your kid goes to bed, with a budget and your numbers (savings, debt, monthly bills) and tell him, ‘Listen, I want this to happen for you — but we need to be adults and crunch some numbers and make sure this can happen.'”
“Don’t ask him to not go.”
“Ask him to figure out a budget with you that allows him to go.”
“And if together, you can’t make that budget work, that you need to sort that out together.”
“Stop treating him like some teenager that you have to ‘gentle’ ask him to sacrifice.”
“Isn’t he your partner?”
“Sit down TOGETHER and BUDGET TOGETHER.” ~ DragonFireLettuce
“I mean you could bring in more money by putting your child in childcare and be in this exact same position — it’s not you who makes it so you cannot afford this luxury, it’s the fact that the two of you have a child which you both have equal share in.”
“This isn’t your fault, it isn’t his fault.”
“It’s the fact of the situation — having a child decreased your net cash available for luxuries, and this event isn’t within your budget. NAH.” ~ whatshamilton
“If you are borrowing from family to cover essential expenses and to cover past due mortgage payments, you have no business spending money to travel for a wedding, not you or your husband, it doesn’t matter who is getting married, your first priority is your household.
“Your husband should contact the groom, explain his situation, and politely decline and not attend. NTA.” ~ Armorer-
“YWNBTA. Times are really tough right now, and you need to focus on your family more than being asked to spend money you don’t have to travel for a wedding and buy a suit your husband will likely only wear a few times.”
“You’ve given up on things too, so you’re not just asking him to give up on being part of the wedding.”
“I’m sorry you’re in this position – I hope things turn around for you!” ~ Discount_Mithral
“NTA- You have a valid reason to make the request, and given the situation, I am more shocked he hasn’t pulled out of it already.”
“Maybe pride or something, where he doesn’t want to say you are having money issues.”
“He could skate around it and just say with the cuts going on that he has no idea where he stands and for the sake of things, he’s going to have to cancel to make sure the family has enough money should something happen to carry until he finds a new job.”
“His friend should understand completely if he is a good friend.” ~ jimfish98
“Sometimes you just can’t make it work with weddings.”
“My husband couldn’t be in his friend’s wedding because of the cost.”
“I was pregnant and it was a very high risk and expensive pregnancy because of insurance issues.”
“Then he couldn’t even attend because I went on bedrest, and he couldn’t leave me with our toddler.”
“Everyone was disappointed but it was life.”
“Tell them now so they have time to rearrange things if necessary.” ~ Bluevanonthestreet
“Here’s a test of friendship between your husband, the groom, and the rest of the groomsmen.”
“If one of the groomsmen at my wedding, or at a wedding where I have been a groomsman, was in a financial situation like that, our friend group would come together to make sure they could attend without the financial burden.”
“OP, my vote is NTA but talk to your husband.”
“Have him explain to his friends.”
“See what happens.” ~ bard329
“Hi OP. YWNBTA in this situation.”
“It’s tricky and you have every right to be anxious.”
“One thing I would suggest is to look for gigs as a tutor or to help students write college applications.”
“If you’re working as a freelance writer, you probably can work well in those scenarios and it will allow you to have more flexibility with your hours.” ~ anaofarendelle
“NTA. Life comes first.”
“Unless they are willing to provide all of the costs of this, then your husband has to bow out, for his family.”
“He would expect the same from them if they were in your situation.”
“Hopefully, they understand.”
“But, frankly, it doesn’t matter.”
“You guys just can not put out the money for this at this time.”
“YOU DO NOT HAVE IT TO GIVE!!!”
“Be Well and understand that you have to take care of your family first and not lose any sleep over it.”
“Updateme.” ~ Lucky_Log2212
“NTA. I hope your husband doesn’t lose his job.”
“It’s so rough to have the threat of a layoff hanging over your head right now.”
“It’s terrifying.”
“Could you possibly run an ad to babysit a couple of children in your home?”
“My neighbor does that.”
“She has two children of her own (one is very ill, on a feeding tube, etc) and is allowed to babysit 2 kids in her home without a license.”
“She charges 150-200 per child.”
“She also tutors in the evenings.”
“She tutors kids of all ages and makes a good living doing it.”
“She only has a GED, too.”
“Any little bit would probably help, especially if your husband winds up being laid off.”
“I wish you and yours luck.” ~ EdenCapwell
“NTA. Considering your financial situation and the sacrifices you already made, I think it is not too much to ask your husband to step down from being a groomsman.”
“He can be still there for his friend as an ordinary guest.”
“Or his best friend could pay for his suit.”
“Actually he should.”
“I think it is just rude to expect your guests to pay so much for clothes.”
“Not to mention travel costs for those further away.”
“Maybe even hotel costs.”
“And most grooms and brides also expect gifts from their groomsmen and bridesmaids despite the financial burden the wedding already put on them.”
“It is all ridiculous to me.” ~ opelan
“He needs to explain to the groom what is going on.”
“A good friend will cover expenses so your husband can still participate.”
“Be transparent and communicative instead of just canceling.” ~ sylverbound
“NTA. Custom suits and expensive travel, heavy bachelor parties shouldn’t be a thing.” ~ gruntbuggly
“NTA, but he should offer to step down instead of you having to ask.”
“He knows what the financial situation is.” ~ actualchristmastree
“NTA. Sometimes what’s going on in the world and in our lives supersedes our grand plans.”
“Y’all are far from the only ones having to severely cut back right now.” ~ lordofthelaundry
“NTA, but your husband should know this without you having to say it.” ~ lilyofthevalley2659
“NTA. A husband’s wife and children come before his friends.”
“You shouldn’t have to tell your husband to step down. He should know what he has to do.” ~ hampikatsov
“Your husband needs to sort this out with the groom.”
“NTA for discussing the finances with him, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to declare a particular solution.”
“It needs to be a discussion.” ~ notrightmeowthx
Reddit is here for you, OP.
Try not to be so hard on yourself.
If money is tight, sacrifices have to be made.
All of this economic uncertainty is touching everybody.
If these people are truly your friends, they will understand.
Keep your chin up and good luck.