Weddings are meant to be happy and beautiful celebrations of the love two people have for one another, and their families coming together as one.
But sometimes what happens behind the scenes, during the planning of the wedding, is not beautiful at all, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor aintnoworries0 was shocked when he heard how his fiancée and future mother-in-law spoke about his teenage daughter’s burn scars.
When they openly discussed the use of Photoshop and referred to his daughter as a potential distraction, the Original Poster (OP) knew he had to remove his daughter from the conversation.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for leaving my in-laws’ house with my daughter after she told me she was feeling uncomfortable?”
The OP’s daughter had visible scars from a childhood accident.
“I (37 Male) have been with my fiancee (37 Female) for 2 years. We’re getting married soon, and I’ve only met her family a couple of times.”
“My daughter, ‘Judy’ (16 Female) has never met them until very recently when they hosted dinner to celebrate the 4th of July. That’s when they met her for the first time.”
“Judy has a visible burn scar on her forehead. It was due to an accident she was in when she was 9.”
“She used to be incredibly insecure about it, to the point where I was forced to homeschool her. It was hard trying to deal with and navigate through that rough time.”
“Now she’s doing a lot better, though some comments can really cause her to become stressed out and anxious.”
“My fiancee knows all that and respects it.”
“Before we went to her parents’ house, I asked her to tell them about Judy and her struggle and get them to try and not say anything negative about it or possibly mention it.”
“She said she would guarantee no one would say anything.”
But his fiancée’s promise was not kept.
“We got to the event, and they talked to Judy, and she slowly warmed up to them.”
“Everything was going well until it was dinner time.”
“My FMIL (Future Mother-in-Law) looked at Judy while she was eating and pointed at her scar, basically asking questions about it.”
“This made Judy lose her appetite and start to get uncomfortable.”
“I kept sending my fiancée and her mom signs to knock it off but to no avail.”
His FMIL made it worse by talking about wedding plans.
“Finally, my FMIL then brought up the wedding and asked my fiancee if it’d be possible to ‘photoshop’ the scar out of any wedding photos that will have Judy in them, just in case they distract viewers.”
“I was dumbfounded.”
“My fiancée said nothing and just stared casually at her mother while nodding.”
“I looked at Judy, and it was clear this got to her.”
“I leaned closer and asked if she was feeling uncomfortable and that we could leave if the answer was yes.”
“She took her watch and then nodded and said, ‘Yes, I’m feeling uncomfortable right now.'”
“I got up and told her to get ready because we were leaving.”
“My fiancée, her mom, and the family started insisting we finish dinner and stay, but I refused.”
“I took Judy and got in the car and left before even talking to my fiancée.”
The OP’s fiancée argued against his actions.
“Obviously, my fiancée was p**sed. She called and was angry, talking about how I disrespected her parents by taking Judy and leaving in the middle of dinner and not even ‘saying goodbye.'”
“I told her that Judy was feeling uncomfortable with my FMIL’s comments and questions.”
“She said Judy overreacted and needs to go back to therapy if a simple mention of her scar caused her to react that way.”
“I got tired of arguing and asked her to give us some time.”
“She went off on me and said that I have no respect for her and her family and that what I did was irrational.”
“Now she won’t speak to me until I clear things up with her family after ruining their celebratory dinner.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt the fiancée revealed her true feelings about Judy during that dinner.
“OH, OP, your fiancee has shown her true colors. She doesn’t in fact care about your daughter.”
“If she did, she would have realized that your FMIL suggesting you ‘photoshop out the scar so it doesn’t distract’ is h**la insulting.”
“If I were you, I’d rethink the wedding and that family. They owe YOU and JUDY the apology, not the other way around.”
“NTA.” – coloradogrown85
“Have you considered that maybe your fiancee might have put her mom up to make that s**tty suggestion? Maybe she is the one uncomfortable with the scar in the photos but didn’t want to be the one to say it.”
“In my experience, people say s**t like that behind people’s backs, not to their faces on first meetings.” – Marmar0128
“When attempting to avoid drama is indistinguishable from explicit approval, you take the accountability you’ve got coming to you. When your impact is different from your intent, you don’t pat yourself on the back for a job well done.”
“You apologize for the impact you’ve made.”
“You disrespected my family’ tells us everything we need to know. In her eyes, this wasn’t a man responding reasonably to disrespect that was heaped on his child, it was him doing the only disrespect.”
“OP’s fiancée thinks her family did no wrong.” – punka**jim
“OP is absolutely NTA here. At most, he could/should have said something among the lines of, ‘Hey, we don’t like to talk about it,’/’her scar is fine,’ and generally try to steer the convo away, but he was right to leave regardless.”
“He asked his fiancée ahead of time to warn the in-laws so they didn’t have to deal with this exact thing, and not only did she not do that, she had the audacity to agree instead of shutting it down as it happened. That’s so insidious.”
“The fact that she didn’t give OP space to try to cool off and instead continued to badger him into making him the problem is what I’d call borderline emotional abuse, honestly. At least manipulation, she’s terrible.” – Slight-Pound
“To my mind, saying that was piling cruelty upon cruelty. I wonder if OP didn’t miss some warning signs that the fiancée was so toxic?”
“Although humans being humans, it doesn’t sound entirely outside the realm of possibility that she’d suddenly show her true colors like that.” – JosieJOK
“Who gets distracted by a scar in pictures? What are they distracting FROM?”
“Fiancee DID put her mother up to this because she’s too afraid to say it herself. I think, as with a lot of wedding/wedding planning, you found out her true colors. This was EXACTLY what she was thinking and wanted her mother to take the blame.”
“To sit in front of strangers while they let the mother bully her is beyond the pale. Then, they have the nerve to demand an apology? They’d be waiting until hell froze over.”
“Same with your fiance. She thinks she’s pulling a power move. What she really is is a lousy person who will continue to bully your daughter after you are married, probably even worse and in public.”
“I wouldn’t let this woman near my child again and I would call off the wedding to those whose image would be destroyed because of an accident your daughter had when she was 9. Sick people.” – babcock27
Others wondered if this was the right family for the OP and his daughter.
“Simple solution: daughter heads out to the car first, you tell fiance that if she photoshops any part of your child in any potential wedding photos (because I would be hesitant to go through with this wedding at all), then she can photoshop you out, too, because you’ll be getting an annulment, and then you go to the car, too.” – TrustMeGuysImRight
“Your fiancee, FMIL, and possibly others in this family will always believe and treat your daughter as flawed, an embarrassment, and less than. Do you really still want to become a part of this family?!” – Legitimate-Potato998
“I’m calling the future stepmom a narcissist. I’d have left, too, without so much as a backward glance. They ruined the evening themselves by disrespecting OP’s request to avoid mention of the scar.” – CommitteeGullible876
“Saying Judy overreacted and needs to go back to therapy… If dealing with OP’s fiancés family and the fiancé for the rest of her life, she’ll d**n well need therapy long-term.”
“OP, for the sake of your daughter, end this relationship. NTA.” – duckalono
“Hey OP. I am 33 (Female) and have had my facial difference since I was 10 years old. First and foremost: 100% NTA. Thank you for standing up for your daughter.”
“Please talk to your fiancee about whether it would be best to even include MIL on your wedding day. Even at 33, I would have a hard time being around such a person (at least not without saying something cutting enough to completely humiliate them). At 16, I would have found it impossible.”
“Your daughter needs to feel that both you and her future stepmother are her biggest advocates and cheerleaders.”
“I can completely relate to Judy’s struggles as my facial difference started just before puberty and going through my teens with my face not looking like everyone else’s was so hard.”
“Edited to add: OP, after rereading the post, I would strongly suggest you reconsider this relationship as a whole. As I said, your daughter needs to feel both you and her future stepmom are her biggest advocates.”
“We with facial differences are already part of a society that rejects us constantly. We are not well-represented in media (we either aren’t represented at all or are just represented as villains), and your daughter doesn’t need to feel that shame, rejection, and discomfort in her own home with her own family.”
“(It is also worth noting that having this type of difference is particularly difficult for girls and women, because we are told from a young age that our value is directly tied to our appearance.)”
“We are part of the disabled community and your fiancee’s dismissive attitude toward your daughter’s difference is very much NOT okay. If she is unwilling to change, then you need to make the best choice for your child.” – notthe1_88
The subReddit was completely appalled by the evening the OP’s fiancée exposed his daughter to after not keeping her promise about not talking about his daughter’s appearance.
This surely couldn’t be a good sign for what was ahead, either at their wedding or what homelife would be like for this teen, if the in-laws were already so dismissive about Judy’s feelings and her looks.