Feeding large groups isn't an easy task financially, never mind the fact that it can be labor intensive.
So when one has to whip up a large meal, sometimes people go the easy route.
This can become an issue when you feed other people's children.
Not all menu choices may be approved by all parents.
Redditor Last_Gene9706 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for feeding my daughter's softball team 'junk' at our sleepover?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I 35 F[emale] have 3 children all enrolled in extra curricular's."
"My oldest daughter, who's 13, plays softball and has for years."
"I live in a smaller town, so I know the other girl's parents, and we are well acquainted."
"I even consider a few of them friends."
"We take turns having big huge sleepovers for the girls at our homes, and this weekend it was my daughter's weekend."
"We had never discussed what we should and should not feed the girls, just allergies and such."
"So I didn't think there were 'rules.'"
"My other child is also in sports, and I have never had complaints about this either, and I've hosted these sleepovers before, just not this season yet."
"And there are a few mothers and newer parents on the team."
"Anyways, I had bought the girls pizza and breadsticks and had pink or regular lemonade offered for dinner."
"I also had a lot of snacks, mostly chips, but I did bake some brownies as well."
"The next morning, I had just got a lot of Dunkin' Donuts."
"It's 15 girls I'm feeding, so I figured it was easiest because these types of things feed a lot of children.
"My children don't normally eat like this either, I just was excited for the first sleepover at our house this season.
"Anyways, I've gotten some complaints from the newer moms to have joined the group in our group chat, and have said that I shouldn't be loading their children up on sugar and junk food and how their kids don't eat like that at home."
"I replied back that it was a sleepover."
"It was supposed to be a fun event for the girls, so what was the big deal?"
"That offended them; they accused me of undermining their parenting and said their daughters wouldn't be coming to my daughter's sleepovers anymore unless I decided to feed them better food."
"This caused an argument because, like I said, no one has ever mentioned what they feed the children at these sleepovers, and there were never any 'rules.'"
"I thought it was fair game."
"I then again said it was just fun food, it was a slumber party, and a few of the other parents agreed with me."
"A few hours later, one mother replied in the group chat that her daughter would no longer be coming to any events at my home since I couldn't see that fun food was just a different word for junk."
"Then called me a lousy mother for feeding children up with that s**t, then left the group chat."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I'm gonna go with NTA here."
"These moms never communicated any dietary restrictions to you, and as a parent, that's their responsibility if they're letting someone else look after their child for a night."
"And honestly, you're correct, sleepovers ARE supposed to be fun."
"These are supposed to be bonding activities for the team, and stuff like this is supposed to be a treat."
"Also, you're feeding fifteen children. I don't blame you for taking the easy option of pizza and chips."
"Maybe you shouldn't have argued with them and simply said you'd provide different options in the future for the girls, but what's done is done now." ~ odyssea88
"THIS 🩷- except... if someone wants their kid to eat a certain way, they should be packing the food and dropping it off with their kid."
"I would feel bad for that kid, but I would make sure to follow the mom's request."
"These moms sound like PILLS."
"Not only do they never 'lighten up' and let their kid have a little junk, but now they won't even let their kids hang with their friends?"
"AND they are criticizing you???"
"These women sound AWFUL!"
"I mean, just weird... we don't let guests dictate our adult party menus 🤔." ~ REDDIT
"I was with you until I read about the doughnuts for breakfast, and then I judged you hard."
"But then I got my s**t together and gave it some thought."
"Yeah, I would never consider that for any sort of meal, but I do know people who regularly have a pastry and a cup of coffee for breakfast - kids get cafe au lait or a glass of milk instead of brewed coffee or espresso, and they seem fine."
"So I had to check my judgeiness and look at it again."
"You had 15 kids to feed, no specific nutritional rules to follow, and a once only fatty breakfast isn't going to hurt anyone."
"NTA by a long shot, but that mum needs to grow up." ~ EaNasirS**tCopper
"My girls play highly competitive sports, and they held both of their year-end parties at pizza places."
"Total NTA."
"These moms are going to be in for a rude awakening when they unleash these teens into the wild, unless they plan on cooking for them in perpetuity."
"A little pizza never hurt anyone, especially when you asked about allergies first."
"Thanks for hosting all those girls, I am sure they were grateful, sorry the parents had a bone (pizza) to pick." ~ BrandNewDinosaur
"Seriously. It's pizza."
"Not Coors and cigarettes."
"Then I guess the snotty moms would have something to make stupid drama about."
"Well, depending on where you live."
"I'm in the Deep South, and things can sometimes be different round here. 🤣" ~ REDDIT
"OP is not the AH, but I agree that she might have wanted to say something like 'my kids don't usually eat like that either.'"
"Add a fruit and veggie tray for dinner and have some yogurt and less sugary cereal on hand for breakfast."
"I don't blame her for getting upset since it's bad manners to complain about a host (especially 15 teens!), but I think arguing with them was pointless."
"This whole thing made me cringe inside because I remember being a little kid at a sleepover."
"My friend had talked her mom into buying one of those marshmallows and frosted cheerio type cereals especially for the sleepover and I refused to eat it 'because I wasn't allowed' and made them give me Raisin Bran."
"Told my mom, expected to get praised for following her rules, got scolded by mom for being a bad guest instead."
"It's been decades, and I am still embarrassed 😳 😔." ~ Nepentheoi
"A donut one morning isn't going to destroy a child's health."
"There's nothing wrong with taking a break from health in the right circumstances, and a huge sleepover is one of those."
"NTA at all." ~ IcyZookeepergame9070
"It doesn't sound like a big deal."
"A number of people agreed with you, and she resorted to insults and stormed out of the group chat."
"I understand it was upsetting, but I think people will be generally judging her, not you, and you're even not the first person to feed them that kind of food."
"This storm in a soda cup should soon blow over." ~ theficklemermaid
"The hater mom is going to bust her Thrive Market budget making fully balanced organic bento dinners and crafting spa-perfect breakfasts for 15 hungry athletes."
"If all the team even wants to go to the Grinch's house."
"She's gonna need to take a week of her life off to make this happen too, lol."
"OP, I do hope you come back and post the deets. 😁." ~ REDDIT
"NTA. This seems like typical food for a softball party, especially when it's one household feeding the entire team."
"If I sent my kid to a sleepover like this, this is exactly how I'd expect them to eat."
"It's one night; it's not going to do harm."
"Take this from a parent who obsesses over my kids getting enough fruit and veggies!"
"Sometimes, eating 'healthy' just isn't realistic given the situation."
"Kudos to you for being a nice mom by letting all these teenagers into your home and getting them all food." ~ 89MustangSally89
"Right, like is she supposed to spend hours in the kitchen cooking for that many kids?"
"Pizza is classic for a softball party."
"Maybe she could've had a veggie tray, but let's be real: the kids won't be reaching for that."
"Let them have some unhealthy food sometimes, to me that's a healthy mindset about food."
"It's good to have balance!" ~ Aggressive-Ferret216
"NTA. Sleepovers are meant for junk food."
"It's a treat and not something that happens every night."
"I do think that after a night of junk food, a good, balanced breakfast is needed."
"Scrambled eggs are super easy to whip up for a crowd, a pre-cut fruit tray, yogurt along with the donuts."
"But that's just me and what I would serve."
"I wouldn't care if my daughter went to a sleepover and only ate junk once in a while." ~ Majestic_Shoe5175
"NTA. If the parents who are complaining about it actually cared as much as they are portraying, they would've said before the sleepover what their kid should/shouldn't have."
"If it really did bother her and she genuinely wanted to get across to you to stop feeding their child that stuff, she could have had a private conversation requesting politely to stop."
"Then if you disagreed or there was no compromise, she could decide to let her child stay or go."
"The way she went about this, especially the ending of her calling you a lousy mother, shows her immaturity and her inability to have a civil conversation."
"However, the entire conversation that took place could have definitely been handled better from both sides." ~ jasmxne__mxchelle
"NTA. These dumb parents are complaining because you fed their kids (with YOUR money) sugary foods for a single sleepover?"
"They clearly lack a good understanding of how nutrition works because two meals of pizza and donuts aren't going to kill anyone who doesn't have severe medical issues." ~ PhysicalGift6442
"NTA. Choosing healthier snacks is more or less a thing when kids are toddlers, and yes, we all would offer fruit and water at playdates so as to not rock the boat."
"But once they hit teens, the girls know what they should or should not eat."
"I hosted 10 twelve-year-old girls at my house Friday, and a few other moms actually sent their girls WITH junk food as a 'thank you' to me for being the host."
"My daughter doesn't drink Sprite during the week, but for sleepovers, I bought a case."
"The moms who didn't send snacks had nothing to say to me except 'thanks for hosting, you're a saint.'"
"Our girls are also all athletes and healthy eaters all week long."
"In your case, I'd consider it a blessing these moms won't let their girls come to your house anymore."
"I wouldn't want anyone coming over whose parents criticize food choices."
"It shows they can't trust their girls to make decisions for themselves or they want to control everything about them and in my opinion this leads to unnecessary power struggles (not to mention possible eating disorders down the road)."
"One time I offered to get my son's 14-year-old friend a milkshake and his response was 'Oh my parents wouldn't approve of that.'"
"So I respected his choice and their rules."
"It's not that hard."
"These moms are being petty and only hurting their daughters." ~ ChanceLengthiness2
"NTA - Yes, it is a lot of junk food, but it's a sleepover."
"Could you have offered some healthy snacks like a veggie tray? Sure."
"Would I expect it if I sent my kid? No."
"Feeding 15 kids each a portion of baked chicken with veggies is a lot of work when you can simply order a pizza with your phone." ~ kayjax7
"NTA. Sending your child to someone else's home comes with the understanding that they will do things differently."
"The other mother is being unreasonable."
"The event already happened, and no clear communication was set, so you didn't do anything wrong."
"I think in the future you could mix in some healthier options (like a yogurt parfait bar for breakfast, or an optional salad with dinner), but no expectation was set in advance that it be available."
"Also, you are feeding 15 kids on your dime, and you have to find something they will all like… that's going to be pizza."
"Unfortunately for that lady's daughter, I think she is going to be sitting out a lot of sleepovers." ~ egwynona
"Huge NTA."
"You're a good Mom. "Don't let these bags get you down."
"I grew up with a girl whose parents were so strict on what their daughter could eat that she never had a fast food burger or Kraft dinner or candy or anything 'junk' until she was 18 and could buy it herself."
"Backfired."
"She went crazy for it, blew right up." ~ Missytb40
"NTA - teenagers are old enough to make their own food choices."
"You can serve what you choose, and they can eat what they choose."
"If they don't like your food choices, they can bring their own."
"It takes a lot of nerve for these other parents to CRITICIZE you for hosting and feeding their children, honestly."
"They can host and feed the kids if their standards are so very high."
"These parents sound exhausting." ~ Pascale73
"Those moms are setting their kids up for some serious eating disorders later in life."
"Eating 'junk' once in a while as a treat is a much healthier approach than militant restriction." ~ Kathrynlena
You have Reddit's support, OP.
Fifteen is a lot of mouths to feed.
Now, you could add a few healthy snack options next time to be safe.
Also, perhaps all of the parents should get together and discuss the menus in more detail.
This way, everyone is on the same page.
Good luck in the future.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp