Roommate compatibility is key to successfully saving money on living expenses.
And while moving in with your best friend, family member, or significant other isn't always an available option, one could only hope the person agreeing to share the same space with you will be respectful.
While that is generally the case, sometimes, unfortunately, it takes one thing for everything to go off the rails.
One teenager recently welcomed a new roommate due to an emergency, and her response to an unexpected reaction led her to seek judgment on the "Am I the A**hole?" subReddit.
Redditor Emotional_Neck_9462 asked:
"AITA for telling my friend she needs to be more comfortable around other people's bodies?"
"I (18 F[emale]) live with my flatmate, 'Ella'. Our flat has two bedrooms, but the ceiling of her room collapsed a couple days ago (she was not there at the time, thank God) and I have a double bed so she's been sleeping in my room until it's successfully mended which, knowing our landlord, will be at the last possible moment."
"Yesterday evening, I got changed to go to bed. Ella was in the room, at my desk doing some revision, but I didn't really think that it would impact her."
The OP was not expecting the reaction that followed.
"I did say that I was going to get changed and she didn't seem to care. I don't wear a bra to sleep so I took it off before putting on my pyjama shirt. My bare chest was visible for maybe 10 seconds at most, and she screamed and accused me of flashing her."
"I kind of laughed at her response because it was unexpected, and asked her why this was so dramatic. She said it was really inappropriate for me to be topless around someone else, and that she couldn't believe I had been so disrespectful."
"It's probably cultural differences - I live in the UK, but until I was 13 I lived in the Netherlands, and there the human form is not kept secret or demonised. I've seen my family members naked and I'm not uncomfortable around bodies - we all have one, after all."
"I apologised, but said that I didn't understand why it was disrespectful as it's not as if I was doing anything sexual. It was a genuine question, but she just said I was being 'unbelievable.'"
She continued explaining:
"I said that it seems to me that she just needs to be more comfortable around bodies, because they're not inherently sexual or inappropriate."
"She accused me of being 'perverse' and of 'forcing' myself upon her. I am a lesbian, so she could think that I fancy her (for the record, I do not) or be uncomfortable with sharing a bed."
"She didn't explicitly say any of this, but again I am autistic so she could have said it just indirectly, and then me getting changed in front of her could have been the 'last straw'".
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA. You warned her that you were changing, if she cared she should have looked away. It doesn't count as 'flashing' when there's a warning and you're in your own damn bedroom."
"If you were prancing around the whole house nude it would be one thing, but changing into pjs? Yeah, she needs to pull the tree out of her ass and chill." – Meallaire
"My spidey sense also tells me that the last bit about OP being a lesbian has something to do with it..."
"I mean, she was supposedly at the desk doing revision, so unless OP sat directly on the desk and shoved roomie's head in her chest it's Ella's fault for staring at her... so the only disrespectful one is Ella."
"At one point I shared a really small changing room with 20 other girls. After practice some would change their bra because of sweat and whatnot. The respectful thing to do is simply not to look since it's a changing room specifically designed for that as is the bedroom."
"NTA." – Alex_Spier1'
"Agreed. The way she was at a desk and still somehow noticed OP is sus. Unless OP's room is grand enough to have the desk in the center of it, and the walls are covered in mirrors, the roommate didn't see anything 'aaccidentally.'"
"Even if the room was decorated that way, OP still gave her a heads up. She could've kept her head down in response."
"I'm thinking the roommate was 'okay' with OP being a lesbian until she was sharing a bed. The reality of it was 'suddenly' in her face, and she showed how she truly feels about it."
"NTA." – Dragoncelica
"NTA you gave her a heads up that you were changing."
"I had a summer job once that had me living in an open concept cabin with 8 other girls. Our policy was before changing, we'd call out 'I'm changing, don't look if you don't want to see.'"
"We were all very close and comfortable with each other, but, like you, we gave the courtesy of the warning. Looking is on her." – Dali_Laa_Laa
"I would honestly not share a room with her if there were literally anywhere else for either person to stay. She sounds like she has hangups and is willing to accuse OP of bs."
"The last thing OP needs is some girl going around campus accusing her of being a predator for changing in her own damn room." – mitsuhachi
"This. I went to boarding school in the UK and there was never any fuss about immodesty or changing in front of one another. in fact, there were many instances where it was required by the school (eg: changing rooms for equestrian, gymnasium, and swimming) or by circumstance (for example, a 4 am fire alarm in the dead of winter when you needed to throw on something warm)."
"This sounds more like homophobia than an actual 'flashing' issue."
"NTA, OP. Tell your roommate that if she can't handle you changing in YOUR OWN ROOM, she can find another place to revise or do so in her own room! (Jk) Seriously, you're doing her a favor by sharing your own space with her and she can climb right off that homophobia horse." – RogueSlytherin
"NTA."
"considering you told her you were going to change and you share a room i dont think you're in the wrong. unfortunately because you are a lesbian (dw i am too) she probably does think you were trying to be perverse and flash her, i doubt the reaction would be the same if you were straight."
"id recommend going forward you ask her to look away or close her eyes so you can change real quick." – BasicHair6973
"NTA. You warned her that you were going to get changed. She could have just looked away. Bodies aren't inherently sexual, as you said, and Ella's reasoning sounds homophobic." – marilynmansonf'kme
"NTA. Your bedroom, you're allowed to get dressed/undressed there. Ella can go sleep on the couch if she is frightened by the fleeting sight of a bare chest." – Helen_A_Handbasket
"NTA. So many straight girls are convinced we'll be in love either them and try seducing them at one point or another. If she doesn't want to see some tiddies she needs to NOT turn around when someone is getting changed. Sounds to me she has some deep-seated homophobia she needs to address."
"That or she's secretly a bit gay herself, and it sent her into panic mode. This would be a great set up for a fanfic but yeah its real life, so I'm truly sorry OP, you don't deserve to be screamed at for getting changed after you told her and in your bedroom. If she's that uncomfortable sharing a room maybe she could sleep on the couch or something?"
"What you need to keep in mind is just to respect her boundaries. Instead of saying 'you just need to be more comfortable' see if you can reach a middle ground. Maybe she exits the room while anyone is getting changed, change in the bathroom, both of you face away from the person you're getting changed in front of, etc."
"It's wonderful that you're comfortable with your body. I personally believe that you shouldn't hide it and that she should just get used to it too, but unfortunately if you want a drama-free situation here you might need to do some simple stuff to accommodate her."
"If you DON'T care about being drama free then by all means free the tiddy!!! I believe in you." – zanpire
Overall, Redditors thought the roommate was being overly dramatic with her reaction to seeing the OP naked despite being given an advance warning.
If they were to remain sharing the same space, Redditors thought the roommate should relax, especially since she was the one being offered a place to stay after being inconvenienced.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.