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Lesbian Brides Refuse To Change Macabre ‘Dark Nature’ Wedding Theme To Appease Their Moms

two women in black wedding dresses seated on a couch
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Over two million weddings take place in the United States alone each year. With so many nuptials taking place, standing out can be difficult.

But originality has its own pitfalls.

An impending wedding with two mothers of the bride appears to be headed for trouble, thanks to the brides’ theme and their mothers’ disapproval.

So one of the brides turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for a sanity check.

SchemeLong4640 asked:

“WIBTA for refusing to change my wedding theme?”

The original poster (OP) explained:

“I (female, 27) am marrying my fiancée (female, 26) next October. We’ve had a very long engagement (3 years now) because we are paying for our wedding ourselves, and we wanted to take time to save up enough money to have the wedding of our dreams.”

“I know that the wedding isn’t everything, of course, and we are both so excited to be getting married regardless, but we figure since we only plan on doing this once, may as well go all out!”

“Now, my fiancée and I both work in animal sciences and have always had a taste for the macabre. We’ve planned our wedding to have a sort of ‘dark nature’ theme; our ideal decor includes lots of moss, mushrooms, dark flowers, even the occasional antler or skull (ethically sourced, of course! That’s part of what makes them so expensive but we refuse to compromise on that).”

“My dress is black, and I plan to walk down the aisle to Hozier’s ‘Like Real People Do’. We’ve booked a venue in a nearby national park and plan to have the ceremony deep in the forest with a reception at a nearby pavilion.”

“Of course, my fiancée and I acknowledge that our taste is weird and not what most people would do for a wedding, but we’ve talked long and hard about it and this is what we want.”

“Our friends are all excited with us, but the issue comes from both of our mothers. I’m the only daughter in my family and my fiancée is the only child in hers, so our mothers have both been excited to plan ‘their perfect wedding’.”

“Unfortunately, they disapprove of almost every decision we’ve picked, and it has caused quite a few arguments. My fiancée’s mother has gone as far as to call my fiancée crying about how she’s ‘ruining her only chance to plan her daughter’s perfect wedding’.”

“Now, our theme is important to us, but not as important as our families. Our friends have encouraged us to not back down and stick up for what we want, but neither of us want miserable mothers.”

“WIBTA if I tell the collective moms that this is what we’ve decided on? Would it be easier just to change a few things?”

The OP added:

“For those who asked about accessibility: the ceremony venue is less than 10 minutes walk down a paved, level path, and the park provides golf carts we can use if necessary.”

“We have rented a canvas tent in case it rains, and we don’t have any guests with mobility issues.”

They summed up their dilemma.

“I may be the a**hole because my mother and future mother-in-law only have one chance to plan a wedding for their daughters, but I don’t want to take their input.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

“NTA. Do not change a thing.”

“Suggestion: Could they help plan your shower? It’ll give them something wedding-related to focus on. Or a next-day brunch?” ~ VeronicaSawyer8

“Let one mom do a rehearsal dinner and the other mom do a morning after brunch and let them pick outfits for those.”

“Also, anything you can do to let them ‘in’ that you’re comfortable with- like the menu, drinks, guest list, seating chart, picking prelude music, family dances music, or shopping with you, let them do that.”

“Just have your friends work on the signs/table decor/florals.” ~ imtchogirl

“I got excited from just reading about your creative and well-thought-out wedding!”

“You know that you’re NTA. If you mark your wedding as a precedent of how your marriage becomes by rearranging your plans for your mother or MIL, there would be no peace for you.”

“Don’t start a cycle of making them feel like they can decide for you, bully, cajole, strong-arm, or guilt-trip you into submission.” ~ knightrees02

“NTA. Your wedding is about YOU, not about your family. It is a privilege and not a right to get to attend someone’s wedding.”

“This rule extends to family just as it does for friends. And since you and your s/o are paying for the wedding yourselves, this goes twice as much.” ~ assumptiondonkey

“Anybody who’s not paying for the wedding gets any say at all in planning it.”

“And even if they were paying for it and were entitled to help plan it, that still doesn’t mean it’s ‘their’ chance to plan ‘their’ day.”

“You had that 30 years ago when you got married, mom. This one ain’t yours.” ~ NotNormallyHere

“NTA. And once you back down, it will only get worse.”

“They want what they want. They are not respecting you both as adults. And if you back down on this then they will run your lives.”

“What next?”

“‘No you can’t live there. It’s too far. You love mil more than me when you spend holidays there. Oh, I am coming to stay and will rearrange or expect you to cater to my every demand. I will leave when I want to’.”

“‘Oh grandbabies. You will raise them this way. You are doing it wrong. What do you mean I can’t watch the wife cry in pain while giving birth? You are ruining my grandma experience’.”

“‘No I will come over and stay right as you get home. I am helping. I have the baby, so you are free to clean. Hey I have a baby room set up, so leave baby with me. What do you mean you’re not ready? I demand my time with my grandchild’.”

“Everything will be about them. About what they think they have a right to and how mean you are if you fight back.”

“I am sorry, but this would be a hill to die on with a simple: We understand you want to plan the wedding, but your tantrums, tears, and manipulation will not be tolerated. This is not your wedding, and what we want goes’.”

“‘This is NOT about you at all, and to continue to try and make it shows you do not respect us as adults and shows how you will continue with all choices we make. How do you think you have any right to try and run our lives’.”

“‘You can either back off and accept that you will not be making the choice or we will have to uninvite you and take a step back from the relationship until such time as you respect boundaries and that we make our own choices’.”

“You will get blowback, but better now than when kids come and can be hurt by the actions they are doing.” ~ tiny-pest

Many focused on the mothers claiming the wedding as theirs.

“NTA. It’s not their wedding. Your moms had their weddings.”

“You are getting *your* perfect wedding, and they need to grasp that. And that’s what you need to remind them of.” ~ Redditor

“This sounds like an awesome wedding! You do what you guys want.”

“My philosophy on weddings is ‘If it’s not your day, you don’t have a say.'”

“NTA, OP! Your wedding sounds like it’s going to be great!” ~ slackerchic

“NTA. This wedding sounds amazing!”

“It’s…weird at best that your mothers are both so invested in making sure YOUR wedding is THEIR ideal.”

“The wedding isn’t for them or about them. This is your day.” ~ CephalopodSpy

“NTA. The mother and mother-in-law already had their weddings. They don’t get to have their daughters’, too.” ~ nervelli

“NTA. Sit both of them down at the same time. Tell them this is your (plural) wedding, not theirs.”

“If they continue to guilt trip, scoff, make comments, or try to make changes they’ll be uninvited. Tell them that you both are paying, and again, it’s your wedding not theirs.”

“If they want ‘their perfect wedding’ they can plan a renewal ceremony with their respective spouses.”

“Then follow through. Maybe send them to the JustNoMIL subReddit and ask if they want to read about themselves there.” ~ disney_nerd_mom

“NTA. Don’t compromise on a single thing. Don’t set the tone that your moms can influence your marital relationship.”

“You will regret it when they are redecorating your house, making decisions on how to raise your children and deciding how you split your time on holidays.”

“Also, what selfish human beings even think that they are going to be the planner of their child’s wedding? Who takes that from their child?”

“They can plan a vow renewal for themselves.” ~ holliday_doc_1995

“First: NTA.”

“Second: Think about it: What if you caved and your mother said A and her mother said B? If they start crying because B is horrible and A is not her style? What do you do then?”

“Third: Seems you both have a mutual understanding of how this should be. Good for you. Don’t spoil it. It IS your day.”

“And last but not least: Once upon a time, when I was young, I got married to the love of my life. He was the second youngest of 8 children, so his mom, the Saint She Was, had a lot of chances to be involved and did not mind.”

“My mother, on the other hand, had two children. So we decided to get married in my hometown. We were quite broke and decided it would be ‘only close family’, i.e. my parents, his mother, my brother, his brother who would drive MIL, our witnesses (we needed witnesses back then), that’s it.”

“Then my mother said, ‘oh, but your aunt really wants to be there!’ I love my aunt, so I said ok. Then it was ‘your grandfather wants to be there as well!’ Then came the ‘xyz wants to be there, they love you so much!’ And finally ‘I’m going to pay for it!’.”

“We caved. We were young, broke, and, honestly, everyone she invited were people we loved. So we caved.”

“Know what? The moment she said, ‘I’ll pay for it!’ she took over. It was like… I don’t know. It did not feel like our wedding at all.”

“I even got the Silent Treatment the next day because we dared to finish the 1.5-liter-bottle of (true) Champagne my brother got us with my brother that night.”

“It was horrible. The next day, she was really enraged with me for not doing it all the way she wanted me to.”

“We did not go back to visit for more than a year.” ~ redsoxx1996

The mother of the bride can play an important role in a wedding, or they can choose to be a pain in the backside for their children.

Hopefully, these mothers remember whose wedding it is sooner rather than later.

Written by Amelia Mavis Christnot

Amelia Christnot is an Oglala Lakota, Kanien'kehá:ka Haudenosaunee and Metís Navy brat who settled in the wilds of Northern Maine. A member of the Indigenous Journalists Association, she considers herself another proud Maineiac.