Losing someone is a tragedy.
There’s an emptiness that cannot be filled and though the pain remains, we move on and wounds become scars.
So, how do you react when someone you love shows outright contempt for that pain?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) aita_kicking_sis_out when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for kicking my sister out over a photo of my husband’s first wife?”
OP got right to the point.
“I recently kicked my sister out of our home for the way she reacted to a photo of my husband & his first wife.”
Then, she took a moment to go through the history.
“I met him a few months after she died in a car accident, got married 2 years after that. We’ve been together 6 years.”
“He was devastated when she died.”
“I told him I never expected to ‘replace’ her in any way & considered myself another chapter in his life. I was warmly accepted into the family and his circle of friends.”
“My sister recently she fell on hard times – lost her job, apartment, and so on. We took her in.”
“My husband has always had a home office.”
“My sister was poking around the house when he was out, and discovered a photo of him & his first wife among the framed pictures he has.”
“It’s not their wedding photo or anything, just a typical cute couple photo.”
“It’s the only printed photo of her in the house, taken a few months before her accident. They didn’t have kids, so pics are all he has.”
“There are a lot more photos of us.”
Everything was fine, until…
“I was reading on the couch when my sister came stomping into the room, holding the framed photo.”
“She angrily asked ‘Why do you let him keep a photo of his ex in your house?”‘
“I replied: ‘First, it’s our house, & second she’s not an ex. She died in an accident and was his wife for 8 years. She was a huge part of his life. He keeps that one photo out.”‘
“She replied ‘An ex is anyone you’ve slept with who’s not in the picture anymore.”‘
“Me: ‘No, that’s not how it works. She died.”‘
“Sis: ‘Doesn’t matter. So what if she got pasted by a truck, an ex is an ex. You shouldn’t be letting him keep any pictures.”‘
“Me: ‘You’re being extremely disrespectful to me & my husband right now. You’re a guest in this house. Walk back those comments & apologize, now.”‘
“Sis: ‘Why should I apologize? How can you let him keep pictures of an ex-f*cktoy?”‘
“I never knew his first wife, but I know how much she meant to him.”
“I know how much he loves me.”
“My sister talking about her like that insulted him, & by extension me – not to mention how disrespectful she was being to a poor woman who died young.”
“I said: ‘Get your crap and leave.”‘
“I didn’t care that it was November in MN, or that she didn’t have anywhere else to go, or any money.”
“She had been beyond disrespectful to me and my husband, over a single small photo.”
Me: “If you’re worried about sleeping in your car this winter, you should’ve thought of that before insulting the people sheltering you.”
“I made sure she was gone before my husband even got home.”
“He was shocked when I told him what’d happened, since he’d always had a polite-neutral relationship with her. He thanked me for having his back.”
“I got a call from my mom, telling me it was my responsibility to take care of my sister. I laughed and hung up.”
“I’ve been asked by a few people how I could basically destroy my relationship with my sister over this, and have replied that she was the one who did so.”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA for how I handled this?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Responders were appalled at Sister’s behavior.
“NTA.”
“Anyone who would refer to a dead spouse as a ‘f*cktoy’ is so far over the line that you were absolutely right to draw this boundary and enforce it.”
“Good for you.” ~Â foursevens
“This was the proverbial nail in the coffin for me.”
“This woman was so out of line and her perspective, disgusting.” ~ Babshearth
Others pointed out the real issue here.
“NTA.”
“You didn’t kick her out over a photo.”
“You kicked her out for being disrespectful, rude, and absolutely inconsiderate.”
“You’re right about your husband’s late wife, she’s not an ‘ex’ and nor is she a ‘f*cktoy’. She was your husband’s wife.”
“To say that she was a ‘f*cktoy’ was just purely disrespectful to the poor woman’s memory.”
“What does your sister expect, for your husband to forget all about his late wife?”
“They didn’t break up, one of them died.”
“It’s not an ‘ex’ situation.”
“As you said, you’re a new chapter. That doesn’t mean you burn the old chapter. It’s okay to appreciate the present while appreciating the past.”
“You did the right thing.”
“Edit: u/calliatom explained a possible reason why OPs sis called OP’S husband’s late wife a ‘f*cktoy'”.
“For those who don’t want to search for it, it’s possible OP’s sis doesn’t consider the relationship of a couple without kids ‘serious.'” ~ Diamond_Flame_OR_Dia
“AND involving herself in something that is completely NOT HER BUSINESS!”
“Even if it was an ex-wife (one he divorced) sister has no reason to be upset on OP’s behalf.”
“Oh, and let’s also not ignore the fact sister was SNOOPING.” ~ One_Ad_704
“That got me too. What the hell was she doing in his office?”
“That’s another disrespectful item to add to the list.”
“What she said about the late wife was disgusting.”
“OP is definitely NTA and her sister needs to head back to mom’s since she’s taken the rude one’s side.” ~ Vegetable_Storage_42
Some shared their own experiences.
“I know someone who’s husband and their two kids died in an accident.”
“She was understandably grieving hard for a good while, but then one day she met this guy and love just happened.”
“They are now married and have a son.”
“In their living room is a shelf with pictures of her first husband and their kids along with candles and their favourite trinkets.”
“She tells her son about his big sister and brother and talks about her first husband on a regular basis.”
“And no-one has ever called it disrespectful towards her current husband, because that’s an insane and downright cruel thing to do.” ~ Zupergreen
“The top of the piano in the living room is 90% a memorial display for my husband’s late wife.”
“Her urn is there, plus their wedding photo, plus a bunch of other photos of her, him, and their daughters when they were little, and some little odds and ends that were special to her.”
“The worst thing in the world for me would be if his daughters walked into this home and felt their mother had been erased.”
“She’s an integral part of their history, and my husband’s history and her memory is honored. I cannot comprehend the idea of doing anything different.” ~ Particular-Studio-32
“So not a total parallel, but I have a little memorial because of my daughter.”
“It has a couple toys, her urn, some candles, and a box with her papers and picture.”
“I fired a therapist for trying to insist I scatter the ashes and ‘let her go.’
“She will always be part of me, and memories are what make anyone who they are.”
“Honestly, I doubt her ashes will be scattered while I’m alive.”
“And if anything were to happen and I were to be single again that would be my hill to die on.”
“And any in-laws who didn’t respect that wouldn’t be allowed in my home either. And anyone who didn’t have my back would be out so fast there might be a sonic boom!”
“OP, your sister disrespected you, your husband, your marriage, his previous marriage, a dead woman you never met but have a strong link with, and honestly women in general.”
“This after snooping around the house she was staying in on sufferance! No that woman got what she was asking for.” ~ Different-Leather359
Commenters praised OP’s supportiveness.
“@aita_kicking_sis_out first of all NTA but, even more important than that You. Are. A. ROCKSTAR!!”
“Everyone should be so lucky as to have a spouse as supportive you!”
“One thing really struck me and stood out as I read your sister’s escalation of, absolutely vile, irrational and, irredeemably disrespectful reaction and vitriol- and please forgive me but, what I immediately thought was;”
”That really sounds like the irrational behavior and over-the-top reactions of someone on drugs'”
“… I say this as one who has, unfortunately, been on the receiving end of such completely out of left field behavior.” ~ GoddessVaughn
“NTA.”
“Your husband and you have an understanding.”
“There are so many people who would not ‘allow’ such, but the few that do are truly empathic souls that realize that there is no point in competing with the dead.”
“You realize that is a part of his past and you are his future. You sister overstepped and shouldn’t have been snooping in places she knows that she does not belong.” ~ ConfectionExtra7869
Losing someone is a tragedy.
Not having the respect of someone you love can be even worse.
Be kind where possible, but boundaries are always vital.