One of the most challenging parts of parenting is finding the happy medium between protecting and sheltering.
Redditor throwaway374330 is toeing that line in regards to her son.
The Original Poster (OP) recently turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for feedback.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my son attend SIL's wedding?"
She went on to explain:
"I am not white. My husband is. We have two kids, this conflict concerns our oldest [Jack-5 years old]."
"My husband has a half sister [Ann-23 years old] that he is not very close to. However, she gets along very well with Jack."
"She sometimes offers to take him on auntie-nephew dates which I allow as I do trust her. She's great with Jack and he adores her as well."
"Ann is getting married in a couple weeks. We were all invited, but my husband couldn't get time off work, and my mother will be visiting that weekend too so we won't be able to attend."
"Ann asked if we could at least let Jack attend and that she and my MIL will watch him. I was hesitant but Ann and my MIL told me not to worry about it. I agreed."
"Then Ann told me that her father will be attending the wedding. I was surprised because she hasn't had contact with him for years but they reconnected for her wedding."
"In my opinion, her father isn't a very good person. He's extremely racist and very headstrong about his beliefs."
"He is also easily convinced by certain kinds of media and before we even knew he was attending the wedding, my husband showed me his facebook posts and they were genuinely insane."
"Lots of generalizations about groups of people and justifying various horrors simply because of a person's skin tone or race."
"I told Ann that I don't know if my son will be attending anymore. She got what I meant and told me that her dad won't even be able to tell Jack isn't 100% white so I have nothing to worry about."
"I mean yes, my son is white passing, but with the current climate of things, I refuse to risk it."
"My son will sometimes speak my language and he is not 100% aware that he has to be careful around certain people yet."
"Ann got upset and told me that nothing will happen and I'm being paranoid. She even compared my 'paranoia' to her father's."
"She then told me to think about it rationally as the venue is a public place filled with people."
"I apologized and said I can't let him go. She started shouting at me and said I was ruining her wedding."
"She wants to spend it with everyone she loves, Jack included, and I'm ruining that by being paranoid. She then started crying, I think, before hanging up."
"My MIL called me later saying that she swears nothing will happen to Jack and to please 'get over it' for Ann's happiness. I said no."
"She told me that she hopes I'm proud of myself for breaking Ann's heart. I do feel bad, and I suppose I am being paranoid."
The OP was left to wonder,
"But AITA? My husband is more hesitant about the decision, but ultimately agreed that we really can't risk anything."
OP also wanted to give a little more clarity on why she couldn't make it herself and why she. was so hesitant to let her son go to the wedding.
"My mom's ill. She's visiting because she needs help with her health. I cannot take her to a wedding with so many other people."
"To all the people saying it is unfair of me to assume something is going to happen because of 'silly facebook posts'…"
"…saying horrifying things should happen to Middle Eastern/Arab kids just because they are Arab is not something I can just ignore. My son is half Arab."
"And it's not that I didn't trust my SIL or MIL with my son, it is more that this man seems extremely unstable and very very angry."
"Also to everyone saying my son will experience racism anyways and that I can't protect him, you don't think I know that? I grew up here too."
"In a small white town where my family was one of four Arab families. It is just too dangerous right now."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA"
"She's a white woman and she showed her true colors. Didn't take her long to bust out the white woman tears, either."
"Protect your son. Even just hearing what that man has to say, without you there to reassure and love on him, could mess him up in the future."
"And they're white. They have no idea what it's like or the impact that their ambivalence to the situation could have on your son and you."
"That they even invited this man to the wedding shows they don't actually care about black people, and that includes you and your child…"
"…regardless of the pretty words they use to hide their internal racism. Until they do the work their word is worthless atp." - StellarPhenom420
"'She wants to spend it with everyone she loves, Jack included, and I'm ruining that by being paranoid. She then started crying, I think, before hanging up.'"
"You are NTA, you understand the potential harm that could happen and you're protecting your son against that. They don't need any further explanation." - IamIrene
"NTA. Tell Ann she can uninvite her dad or if she wants to continue seeing her nephew she can accept your decision to not let him attend."
"I would also bet since she thinks it's no big deal she has already introduced your son to her dad" - Less_Jello_2489
"NTA"
"You have a right to be 'paranoid' (not sure I'd even use that term. 'Rightfully concerned' sounds better) when it comes to your child's safety."
"If the man is an open and unashamed racist, then a mixed race child should not be alone around him, no matter how 'white passing' the child is."
"Even if he thinks Jack is white, what happens if Jack hears him going off on a racist rant and realizes he's talking about people like his mother?"
"Jack is just a child."
"Yes, there will come a time in his life where you will have to explain racism to him, but that should be done in a safe environment, not by exposing him to an angry white supremacist." - CuckooPint
"NTA - She said it herself, 'He won't even be able to tell Jack isn't 100% white' which implies that if he did find out, there would be issues"
"Stick with your guns, and if she's getting this worked up over pre-wedding stuff, then imagine what will happen when Grandpa finds out little Jack is biracial and causes a scene at her big day."
"She'll probably find a way to blame you for it" - V-II_Snail
"If there is one thing I've learned as a white woman if POC or a person of any 'hunted' ethnicity says they are uncomfortable or afraid something might happen, sit down, shut up and listen."
"If you say no, the answer is no, you're mom, this is your son and you're uncertain for a reason. Trust your gut, and stick to it. NTA" - el_gilliath
"NTA"
"Your SIL is a racist. 'told me that her dad won't even be able to tell Jack isn't 100% white' so your son is ok by her reasoning because he is able to pass as white?"
"STOP ALL contact that AH has with your kid." - Aggressive-Mind-2085
"NTA. It's not necessary that he talks directly to your kid. He could just be drunk (or sober) and talk sh*t in earshot of your son. That's even enough."
"And come on, your MIL won't have the necessary time to spend it all with your son, the bride even less, so I'm pretty sure there will be times where he will be forgotten…"
"…and apart from the obnoxious father, there are also other things that could happen."
"It's not you putting your 'paranoia' (also, what the heck was that comparing to her father's ideology??) above your SIL's 'happiness'…"
"…it's you wanting to protect your kid and even not wanting him to get too tired from such an event that usually lasts for hours."
"Get your husband on board 100% because that's why both your SIL and MIL still dare to question you, knowing he might be more 'flexible'" - Europeangirl101
"NTA - She's inviting your child for selfish reasons. It feels like there is something more that she wants by having your son there beyond the 'I want to share it with the people I love' type sentiment."
"The kid is five years old. He will be bored stiff and will act up. She's got some ulterior motive beyond her stated intent."
"It wouldn't surprise me if she's stated all sorts of things about how she's practically raised your son, and she would look bad if he weren't there (i.e., get caught in a lie)."
"There's something more here."
"If your son misbehaves (it's not like the bride is going to be watching him), and her dad figures out that he's not 100% white, he will be judged and treated poorly by dad."
"You need to protect your son. She isn't going to. Your MIL is also going to be tied up with her daughter and odds are, get tired of taking care of a 5-year-old."
"A 5-year-old going to an event like a wedding without a parent is just weird." - AgathaM
Some things aren't worth compromising on.
What do you think, readers? Let us know in the comment below.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp