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Bride Upset After SIL Won’t Let Mixed-Race Nephew Attend Wedding Since Racist FIL Is Going

Young boy at wedding
Marc Debnam/Getty Images

One of the most challenging parts of parenting is finding the happy medium between protecting and sheltering.

Redditor throwaway374330 is toeing that line in regards to her son.

The Original Poster (OP) recently turned to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) for feedback.

She asked:

“AITA for refusing to let my son attend SIL’s wedding?”

She went on to explain:

“I am not white. My husband is. We have two kids, this conflict concerns our oldest [Jack-5 years old].”

“My husband has a half sister [Ann-23 years old] that he is not very close to. However, she gets along very well with Jack.”

“She sometimes offers to take him on auntie-nephew dates which I allow as I do trust her. She’s great with Jack and he adores her as well.”

“Ann is getting married in a couple weeks. We were all invited, but my husband couldn’t get time off work, and my mother will be visiting that weekend too so we won’t be able to attend.”

“Ann asked if we could at least let Jack attend and that she and my MIL will watch him. I was hesitant but Ann and my MIL told me not to worry about it. I agreed.”

“Then Ann told me that her father will be attending the wedding. I was surprised because she hasn’t had contact with him for years but they reconnected for her wedding.”

“In my opinion, her father isn’t a very good person. He’s extremely racist and very headstrong about his beliefs.”

“He is also easily convinced by certain kinds of media and before we even knew he was attending the wedding, my husband showed me his facebook posts and they were genuinely insane.”

“Lots of generalizations about groups of people and justifying various horrors simply because of a person’s skin tone or race.”

“I told Ann that I don’t know if my son will be attending anymore. She got what I meant and told me that her dad won’t even be able to tell Jack isn’t 100% white so I have nothing to worry about.”

“I mean yes, my son is white passing, but with the current climate of things, I refuse to risk it.”

“My son will sometimes speak my language and he is not 100% aware that he has to be careful around certain people yet.”

“Ann got upset and told me that nothing will happen and I’m being paranoid. She even compared my ‘paranoia’ to her father’s.”

“She then told me to think about it rationally as the venue is a public place filled with people.”

“I apologized and said I can’t let him go. She started shouting at me and said I was ruining her wedding.”

“She wants to spend it with everyone she loves, Jack included, and I’m ruining that by being paranoid. She then started crying, I think, before hanging up.”

“My MIL called me later saying that she swears nothing will happen to Jack and to please ‘get over it’ for Ann’s happiness. I said no.”

“She told me that she hopes I’m proud of myself for breaking Ann’s heart. I do feel bad, and I suppose I am being paranoid.”

The OP was left to wonder,

“But AITA? My husband is more hesitant about the decision, but ultimately agreed that we really can’t risk anything.”

OP also wanted to give a little more clarity on why she couldn’t make it herself and why she. was so hesitant to let her son go to the wedding. 

“My mom’s ill. She’s visiting because she needs help with her health. I cannot take her to a wedding with so many other people.”

“To all the people saying it is unfair of me to assume something is going to happen because of ‘silly facebook posts’…”

“…saying horrifying things should happen to Middle Eastern/Arab kids just because they are Arab is not something I can just ignore. My son is half Arab.”

“And it’s not that I didn’t trust my SIL or MIL with my son, it is more that this man seems extremely unstable and very very angry.”

“Also to everyone saying my son will experience racism anyways and that I can’t protect him, you don’t think I know that? I grew up here too.”

“In a small white town where my family was one of four Arab families. It is just too dangerous right now.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided:


“She’s a white woman and she showed her true colors. Didn’t take her long to bust out the white woman tears, either.”

“Protect your son. Even just hearing what that man has to say, without you there to reassure and love on him, could mess him up in the future.”

“And they’re white. They have no idea what it’s like or the impact that their ambivalence to the situation could have on your son and you.”

“That they even invited this man to the wedding shows they don’t actually care about black people, and that includes you and your child…”

“…regardless of the pretty words they use to hide their internal racism. Until they do the work their word is worthless atp.” – StellarPhenom420

“‘She wants to spend it with everyone she loves, Jack included, and I’m ruining that by being paranoid. She then started crying, I think, before hanging up.’”

“You are NTA, you understand the potential harm that could happen and you’re protecting your son against that. They don’t need any further explanation.” – IamIrene

“NTA. Tell Ann she can uninvite her dad or if she wants to continue seeing her nephew she can accept your decision to not let him attend.”

“I would also bet since she thinks it’s no big deal she has already introduced your son to her dad” – Less_Jello_2489


“You have a right to be ‘paranoid’ (not sure I’d even use that term. ‘Rightfully concerned’ sounds better) when it comes to your child’s safety.”

“If the man is an open and unashamed racist, then a mixed race child should not be alone around him, no matter how ‘white passing’ the child is.”

“Even if he thinks Jack is white, what happens if Jack hears him going off on a racist rant and realizes he’s talking about people like his mother?”

“Jack is just a child.”

“Yes, there will come a time in his life where you will have to explain racism to him, but that should be done in a safe environment, not by exposing him to an angry white supremacist.” – CuckooPint

“NTA – She said it herself, ‘He won’t even be able to tell Jack isn’t 100% white’ which implies that if he did find out, there would be issues”

“Stick with your guns, and if she’s getting this worked up over pre-wedding stuff, then imagine what will happen when Grandpa finds out little Jack is biracial and causes a scene at her big day.”

“She’ll probably find a way to blame you for it” – V-II_Snail

“If there is one thing I’ve learned as a white woman if POC or a person of any ‘hunted’ ethnicity says they are uncomfortable or afraid something might happen, sit down, shut up and listen.”

“If you say no, the answer is no, you’re mom, this is your son and you’re uncertain for a reason. Trust your gut, and stick to it. NTA” – el_gilliath


“Your SIL is a racist. ‘told me that her dad won’t even be able to tell Jack isn’t 100% white’ so your son is ok by her reasoning because he is able to pass as white?”

“STOP ALL contact that AH has with your kid.” – Aggressive-Mind-2085

“NTA. It’s not necessary that he talks directly to your kid. He could just be drunk (or sober) and talk sh*t in earshot of your son. That’s even enough.”

“And come on, your MIL won’t have the necessary time to spend it all with your son, the bride even less, so I’m pretty sure there will be times where he will be forgotten…”

“…and apart from the obnoxious father, there are also other things that could happen.”

“It’s not you putting your ‘paranoia’ (also, what the heck was that comparing to her father’s ideology??) above your SIL’s ‘happiness’…”

“…it’s you wanting to protect your kid and even not wanting him to get too tired from such an event that usually lasts for hours.”

“Get your husband on board 100% because that’s why both your SIL and MIL still dare to question you, knowing he might be more ‘flexible’” – Europeangirl101

“NTA – She’s inviting your child for selfish reasons. It feels like there is something more that she wants by having your son there beyond the ‘I want to share it with the people I love’ type sentiment.”

“The kid is five years old. He will be bored stiff and will act up. She’s got some ulterior motive beyond her stated intent.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me if she’s stated all sorts of things about how she’s practically raised your son, and she would look bad if he weren’t there (i.e., get caught in a lie).”

“There’s something more here.”

“If your son misbehaves (it’s not like the bride is going to be watching him), and her dad figures out that he’s not 100% white, he will be judged and treated poorly by dad.”

“You need to protect your son. She isn’t going to. Your MIL is also going to be tied up with her daughter and odds are, get tired of taking care of a 5-year-old.”

“A 5-year-old going to an event like a wedding without a parent is just weird.” – AgathaM

Some things aren’t worth compromising on.

What do you think, readers? Let us know in the comment below.

Written by B. Miller

B. is a creative multihyphenate who enjoys the power and versatility of the written word. She enjoys hiking, great food and drinks, traveling, and vulnerable conversation. Raised below the Mason Dixon, thriving above it. (she/her)