Toxic families are one of the most disturbing issues in life
People feel bound by blood.
But that binding can lead to trauma.
Case in point…
Redditor Historical_Way_688 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not telling my mom when I was going on vacation?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (23 F[emale]) mom and I don’t have the best relationship but I am sure if you asked her she would say the opposite.”
“She is a narcissist and hasn’t been very nice to me growing up.”
“I have a lot of family that lives abroad in Europe and I wanted to go visit them.”
“I’ve been doing this once a year since I was 19.”
“So I saved up my P[ersonal] T[ime] O[ff] and money and booked a trip to Europe.”
“I also had a friend that was coming with me.”
“I told my mom that I was going to Europe and what dates I would be there.”
“We had multiple conversations about it before I left too.”
“I would repeatedly tell her the dates I was going.”
“When it started getting closer to the time (about a month before) my friend and I decided to go to a second country while we were over there.”
“I tell my mom this and she starts saying things like ‘Oh I WAS planning on going there too’ or ‘WE should MEET UP when we go there.'”
“I tell her that I do not want her coming along on any part of the trip.”
“I feel like being with that part of my family is my safe space away from my toxic mom so I wanted to enjoy it alone/with my friend.”
“I also didn’t want my mom coming with me to the other country because I wanted to enjoy without her negativity and judgment.”
“My mom is obviously offended and she keeps pressuring me to tell her the dates so she can see ‘if I’m going at the same time as her.'”
“At this point, I asked her ‘what dates are you going’ and she REFUSED to answer.”
“She started saying things like ‘I’m not playing this game with you’ or ‘I can’t believe my own daughter would do this to me’ and continuously say offensive things because I didn’t want to tell her when I was going.”
“The trip was a little over a month ago.”
“I stayed for 2 weeks and visited 2 countries.”
“But when I arrived at the country my family lives in I found out on the first night I was there that my mom was coming to the country the week after I leave.”
“I haven’t spoken to my mom since her texts about me being a bad daughter and trying to hide things from her and that was over two months ago.”
“AITA for not telling my mom when I was going to Europe?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, time to go no contact, she sounds batsh*t crazy.” ~ No_Service2135
“NTA. Very few 23-year-olds are going to want their mother to crash their European vacation.”
“This is perfectly normal.”
“What’s not normal is your mother not understanding or anticipating this and calling you a bad daughter.” ~ throwaway20698059
“NTA. You’re not the a**hole for not telling her, as this is a private vacation that you wanted to go and visit them by yourself.”
“Not every vacation has to have your mom join in the picture, and it’s very weird for her to snoop on your business when it has nothing to do with her.” ~ Bitbatgaming
“NTA, I know it’s hard, but it is completely OK to cut toxic people out of your life, even if they are a parent.”
“I seriously recommend some therapy, to help you process the issues you have with your mom.”
“I promise, it will make boundary setting so much easier.”
“Best of luck, OP.” ~ Primary_Valuable5607
“NTA. Your mom was playing a game and was not honest with you – if she wanted to overlap her trip with yours, that has to be planned.”
“You were clear that you did not want to combine your trip with hers and she did not like that.”
“It was wise of you to not provide the information to your mother.”
“She chose to guess at overlapping and messed up.”
“That’s on you, you did not give her the dates, you told her no and she made a plan anyway.”
“Your mother sounds exhausting, and a little distance would not be amiss.”
“You did not ‘hide’ dates from her, you actively chose not to share.”
“There is a difference, and she needs to respect those boundaries.” ~ Jaylloyd24
“I don’t blame you at all for not telling her. “
“My family and I used to not tell my narcissist grandfather when we were going away because he would do something to make us cancel our trip or have to come home early.” ~ daywalkerredhead
“I remember how shocked my mother’s new caregiver was when she called us on vacation to tell us she was in the ER with my mother who was having chest pains.”
“And I thanked her politely and told her we weren’t coming home.”
“I started to add ‘tell the ER crew ‘hi’ from me’ since we were all old buddies by then.” ~ HeartpineFloors
“I applaud you for prioritizing your own health and well-being.”
“You may want to look into the gray rocking approach to better deal with your mother.”
“I have used it pretty effectively with my own family members, along with years of therapy.”
“You are entitled to travel and live your life on terms that you deem safe, healthy, and productive.”
“Your mother is not entitled to sabotage those efforts.”
“Good for you for managing this well so far.”
“It can be a long, but very worthwhile, process to disentangle yourself from people who confuse love with control. NTA.” ~ Youthful_sage
“NTA. You did tell her you were going on vacation and generally when.”
“Quite honestly, it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out when you were going to be in the second country.”
“You are an adult. You aren’t required to share details of your life with your mom.”
“Heck, I get along with my mom and I haven’t always told her in advance when I’m having surgery.” ~ Feeling-Manner3862
“NTA – she needs to get a grip.” ~ WorriedLook00
“NTA. The time has come for you not to discuss your plans with her at all.”
“Next year, don’t tell her you’re going.”
“I hope you don’t live with her. If you do, figure out a way to move.”
“You’re an adult and can make your own decisions.”
“If you have to move, go L[ow] C[ontact], keep up polite and to a minimum.” ~ LouisV25
“NTA this is what my mom is like.”
“We don’t talk anymore.”
“She won’t see reason and she’s going to continue invading your privacy and low-key stalking you because she refuses to understand.
“After being explained multiple times by your story, that you don’t want her on your trip.” ~ xylodactyl
“NTA. My mom is like this.”
“I told her I went into Hawaii over a decade after it happened and she still brings it up as some sort of betrayal.”
“I didn’t tell her because I knew she couldn’t be happy for me.”
“It’s a bummer.” ~ bluegray6
OP responded…
“Yessss this happened for a different trip I did.”
“I drove to a concert that was 2 hours away from where my mom lives.”
“And when I told her months after the fact she was upset I didn’t tell her because she would’ve wanted to meet and she would’ve driven there.”
Reddit continued…
“NTA. I had an eerily similar situation with my narcissistic mother.”
“I was chuckling away to myself reading your story as it was so freaking similar.”
“My mother only really wanted to ‘catch up’ so that she could take photos for F[ace]B[ook] so that she could ‘show off’ how ‘close’ we were.”
“She got super mad that I didn’t tell her when/where I’d be… no regrets.”
“You sound super mature and self-aware for someone so young… hold your ground OP.” ~ dsan71890
OP came back with some details…
“I do feel like I left out something important.”
“My mom said she was not trying to join the entire trip just meet for lunch here and there.”
“But we live in the same state and doesn’t even visit me now.”
“I know this whole situation is f**ked up but I was hoping for some validation.”
“I thankfully don’t live with her and I will do everything in my power to never live with her again.”
“I don’t know if I would survive that again.”
“Right now I am no contact but I want to have low because I do not want to cut her out completely as I feel that isn’t right for our situation.”
“Thank you so much for all the kind comments and great advice!”
Well OP… Reddit is with you.
You and your mom may need some time apart and therapy.
If she’s willing and if you’re interested.
Hope you still enjoyed your vacation.
You clearly deserved one.