Family heirlooms are supposed to be special items and accessories that feel like a blessing, because they remind us of our loved ones, and they make our lives better or easier in some way.
But for some people, the heirloom is too bittersweet of a reminder of the person they lost, empathized the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Unique_Molasses_9987 decided that it wasn't good for her mental health to hold onto the house she inherited from her mother, even though she'd been letting her daughter live it in rent-free for the past two years.
But when her daughter called her a jerk for not letting her stay, even after doing renovations out of her own pocket, the Original Poster (OP) questioned where they had miscommunicated along the way.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for selling my house that I was allowing my daughter to stay in for free, even though she did some upgrades to it?"
The OP allowed her daughter to rent the house she inherited from her mother.
"I inherited a home years ago from my mother. It was overall outdated but in good condition. It is five hours away from where I live."
"My daughter (26) and her husband fell on hard times, and I allowed her to move in about two years ago for free. It is near the city where they work. I paid for everything and was letting them use it to get back on their feet."
"Given the area, I saved them approximately $2400 per month or 57,600 dollars."
"I informed them they could make changes to the home, just not to take out walls or any huge stuff. The last time I was at the home was about a year ago, and it just looked like they painted."
Then the OP decided that being a landlord wasn't right for her.
"The house is causing issues for my finances now, and I have had multiple people reach out to me to sell."
"I also want to sell it since I am tired of seeing the home. It just reminds me of my mom and that she is gone. So being a landlord isn't good for my mental health."
"So I decided to sell."
"I've mentioned before that I want to get rid of the home; I wasn't hiding the fact that I do not like owning it."
"I also was very clear that this was to help them out and not a permanent thing."
The OP's daughter lashed out at her for wanting to sell.
"I informed my daughter that they have six months to find a new place."
"This started an argument. She apparently put in a lot of upgrades, such as redoing the stairs, the kitchen, and they are in the middle of redoing the bathroom."
"She said that I was screwing them over and that now the house is worth more because of them."
"She called me a jerk for this, and I reminded them I gave them two years of free housing."
The OP was angry but also felt conflicted.
"I won't offer for her to buy the house first, because I know they can't afford it. The home will probably go for around 400 to 500 thousand dollars."
"Even when it was outdated, it was a big home, with some land and in a very nice area."
"I have no idea how much the upgrades will add and I am not willing to sell for less than a fair price. I also don't know if the upgrades are even up to code, so that might even cause problems later."
"I am on the fence and want more opinions."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought it made more sense to allow the daughter to stay involved with the house.
"YTA. 1000%."
"Why wouldn't you offer to sell the house to your daughter? How are the house improvements suddenly new information to you?"
"Why is this imaginary problem of seeing a home you haven't visited in a year and 'being a landlord' more important than your daughter's well-being?"
"Why are you blaming your daughter for taking you up on your offer for free rent in a house you inherited for free?" - No-Serve-5387
"I'm also really confused about the issue with the renovations. OP is saying the house is a mental burden as well because it reminds them of their late mother. Well, the daughter has now done upgrades to make it their own. If it's just the fact that it's their mother's house is maybe the issue?"
"I just can't imagine my parents pulling this stunt. If the house they inherited, that I was now living in, was causing a financial burden they would either start charging rent for whatever the burden is (I'm assuming property taxes?) or flat out sell it to me for whatever I could afford. They would never kick me out." - Jezebelle22
"The house is five hours away. How is seeing it bad for your mental health? Why didn't you just ask your daughter to start paying rent to cover whatever it was costing you financially?"
"If they're the ones doing the upgrades, and you didn't have to worry about late rent since you didn't charge them any, how is being a landlord bad for your mental health?"
"Seems you like the upgrades, and just want to sell to make a quick buck. Be prepared to never see your daughter or future grandkids ever again. Hope it's worth it. YTA." - GoreGoddezz
"I understand the daughter and partner hoping out hope that the OP would decide to 'just give' them the house at some point. I do. Maybe even to the point of making the house feel a little more like a 'home' with paint and small fixes."
"But instead of renovating a property that THEY DID NOT OWN, the daughter and her partner should have been SAVING the money they were not paying rent to buy their own place when the inevitable occurred and the golden goose needed to be taken away."
"Had they been saving their money, they should be thanking the mother for her outright generosity, allowing daughter and partner to live rent and property tax-free for well over two years."
"If it was not obvious, OP is NTA for wanting the property back and for wanting to sell up." - dadoftriplets
"It seems like they put in enough work to make the house a lot more marketable and valuable."
"Please think outside the box, you can sell the house to your daughter and you hold the mortgage. This way, you have a regular income stream from the monthly mortgage payments and your only involvement will be cashing the cheques. If they default on the mortgage you, as the mortgage holder, gain possession of the house (so you would get your asset back and can sell it then) most importantly your daughter gets to own a home."
"This is definitely the scenario in which everybody wins big. You make more money on the house than you would just selling it and banking the cash, it is a safe investment because as the owner of the mortgage, the house reverts to your possession if they default on the mortgage."
"This way your child will have the security of being a homeowner, which means she may be able to actually afford children (a rare situation these days) who will have a home in which to grow up. Win-win-win."
"This is a fairly common investment scenario as it is one of the rare investments where you cannot lose." - tulipvonsquirrel
Others thought that communication was a key issue with the OP and her daughter.
"They've been investing in fixing up the place, so they expected to live there long-term. The question is whether those expectations were set up by OP, or it's just the daughter and husband making assumptions."
"In other words, a conversation should have been had on what were the long-term plans for the house." - LaloEACB
"I can see the origin of some miscommunication and tension with their daughter on this topic. Housing is very difficult to come by right now."
"OP's daughter has lived in the house for two years and, whether or not it was officially 'approved' by OP, made significant upgrades that added value to the home that he will benefit from. She also likely does not have other options in a very competitive and expensive housing market."
"If OP is in financial need, why not a compromise where she pays you rent/the mortgage over selling the house from underneath them?"
"I also recommend some empathy for your daughter as well as an honest, calm conversation around how to respectfully continue this arrangement." - fluoridatedwater
"I think a lot of it is going to come down to how the two of you communicated (you and your daughter)."
"It's odd that she would do so much work on a house if she knew the plan was to sell. But it's also a bit odd to not offer your daughter first refusal on the house (which would save you both money in selling fees, etc)."
"I think you definitely need to get a handle on what has actually been done (including permits etc). A new kitchen/bathroom could be anything from some new appliances and cupboard doors to a complete overhaul."
"She should be able to provide you with invoices etc from any work done and any permits which she has hopefully got. If not, it's on her to get everything signed off and up to standard."
"This could get really tough between the two of you, good luck." - janewilson90
"She can apparently afford the 'upgrades.' It looks like she was hoping you'd give it to her."
"You gave them six months' heads-up. That's plenty of time, but I would give them first refusal with a 30-day expiration. I've asked the same of my parents and in-laws on a couple of things. If I don't have the finances that's on me, but if I'm not even given the opportunity, that's on them."
"Ultimately, they aren't entitled to the house or the 'upgrades' they did without your approval. It could technically be considered vandalism as they did it without approval and don't have the intention of returning it to original condition." - TraytSader
"I feel like that is more on the daughter in this situation though."
"Would it have been nice that the mom had a conversation when the burden of the home was starting to become a burden for her? Sure. Especially if the daughter is officially 'back on her feet' so maybe she has a chance to buy the home officially."
"Redoing the stairs and bathroom doesn't sound like minor or cheap renovations. If there are big noticeable changes, it sounds like they were treating the home like it was going to be their home forever going forward and if they needed to live rent-free to get by, making major changes to a home they don't own instead of saving for one of their own is just dumb."
"The daughter needed to start the conversation. Major upgrades weren't approved. You don't rent a home, upgrade the h**l out of it, and think that gives you any consideration to be reimbursed. The daughter is the one that went on assumptions without talking and while OP could have communicated intent earlier, it's not on them for what the daughter did wasting her money and huge favor done for her." - letstrythisagain30
Whether the subReddit could agree about whether or not the OP should keep the house aside, they could all agree that the mother and daughter had clearly communicated about this poorly.
Somewhere along the way, the OP's daughter must have thought she had a chance to stay in the house since she'd started renovating, even though the OP did not see it that way.
So many confrontations could be avoided with more communication, not to mention expenses saved.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.