We often feel inclined to help our family, whether they need our help or not.
That being said, constantly helping out family members can be somewhat dangerous.
As they may become dependent on it, and won’t take kindly if we suddenly stop offering help.
Sometimes leading to distance and estrangement.
Redditor Prior-Grape7275 had been helping his wife’s family out financially for much of their marriage.
However, the more the original poster (OP) learned about his wife’s family, the less inclined he was to help them out.
Eventually, telling his wife that he wanted to stop helping his mother-in-law (MIL) out in one specific department.
A decision his wife was firmly against.
Wondering if he was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my wife I don’t want to help with her mother’s medication?”
The OP explained why he wanted to stop offering his MIL help and why his wife was against this decision:
“My wife, stay-at-home mom (34 F[emale]), and I (30 M[ale]) have been paying for my MIL’s medication maintenance for more than 5 years now.”
“Based on recent events and discoveries, I told her that I want to stop any support.”
“My wife was a widow.”
“She was married to a really old guy.”
“She got married at 18 years old.”
“I recently discovered that my in-laws pushed her to marry the guy for money so they can pay their loans.”
“She was young then and had no choice.”
“I never thought of my wife as a gold digger since she worked for herself and never depended on the guy’s money.”
“Even after he died, my wife decided to not get a single cent and let his children have 100% of the guys money and properties.”
“My in laws just pushed her so they can get their loans paid.”
“My SIL borrowed a significant amount of money from us to have her roof fixed.”
“We had an agreement that they would pay this loan monthly for 1 year.”
“She hasn’t paid regularly.”
“I would understand if they were in financial trouble and would gladly extend the agreement.”
“They have money to spend on their vices: alcohol, gambling, etc., but they can’t pay us.”
“After this incident, we decided to stop lending her money.”
“She then told everyone we’re selfish and arrogant.”
“We bought a house and needed some help with renovation and moving in.”
“My in-laws helped out but are always expecting money in return.”
“It got to the point that my father-in-law would complain that he’s not getting enough from us, so he decided to just stop helping us move in.”
“After this happened, they started to bad mouth as to the rest of my wife’s family.”
“Telling them we’re ungrateful.”
“We sold our previous house and got some money from it.”
“I told my wife we should allocate some of it for her parents’ health emergency fund.”
“Her siblings don’t have stable jobs and resources (and have vices).”
“I wanted to be prepared just in case something happens to her parents.”
“I didn’t want to get any money from our family’s savings.”
“Now, the emergency fund is gone because they kept asking money that weren’t really for health emergencies.”
“I feel super bad about this since I don’t even have an emergency fund for my own parents.”
“My in-laws are planning not to give my wife any inheritance.”
“They’ll only give it to my SIL.”
“It’s not super big; we don’t even need it.”
“I feel bad because, after all the things that my wife did for them, she’s not even part of their plans.”
“My wife started blocking their financial requests.”
“My wife has been really open to me as well, letting me know every cent that goes out of our pockets.”
“Last night, I told my wife I no longer want to help them in any way, including her mother’s medication maintenance, and she got hurt.”
“She told me she understands if I don’t want to help her family financially, but I should at least be willing to help with her mother’s medication since this would greatly affect her health.”
“AITA for telling her this?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling his wife that he wanted to stop paying for his MIL’s medication:
Almost everyone agreed that the OP’s in-laws were showing their true colors and didn’t deserve any further help from the OP or his wife, even if some expressed concern at the OP putting his foot down with her medication, as that may be the one area where she truly might have needed help:
“NTA.”
“I think.”
“It’s complicated.”
“The way you described it, the in-laws are the AHs here, but you’ve made a lot of assumptions about their feelings.”
“And you’re making decisions based on those assumptions.”
“Unsolicited advice from someone that’s in a similar position?”
“What you’re suggesting is going to either alienate your wife from her family or alienate her from you.”
“Neither outcome is good for you.”
“This really needs to be your wife’s decision, and you stay out of it.”
“Support whatever she decides (within reason), even if you think that the in-laws are taking advantage of her.”
“You can tell your wife what you think, of course, but make it clear that the choice is ultimately up to her.”
“And then whatever she decides… just do it.”
“If you flat refuse to help with her mom’s medication, and then she dies?”
“Your wife isn’t going to forgive you, man.”- csdude5
“NTA.”
“Your wife’s family is just using her.”- TouristOld8415
“NTA.”
“But I would really work at finding some sort of compromise with your wife on this.”
“If your MIL gets sicker or dies your marriage will probably be destroyed.”
“Could you agree to pay 100% of the meds for 3-6 months, 75% for 3 months, 50% for 3 months, 25% for 3 months, and then nothing ever again after that?”
“Help your ILs slowly get used to the cost?”
“Or could she tell them that you will keep paying only if they add repayment into their wills?”
“And you see the wills.”
“And yes, they could change them later.”
“But that takes work and they sound like that’s not their favorite thing.”
“Or offer to keep paying for the medication as the ONLY gift they ever get from you?”
“Every occasion gets a card only moving forward?”
“And I’d tell them this, so they’re aware.”
“Parental care is tough.”
“You don’t love them like she does.”
“I will say I don’t work (I’m disabled), and I will be eternally grateful my husband paid for the help my dad needed after he got dementia.”
“If my dad has died homeless, I’m not sure I could have lived with myself.”
“Good luck!”- CheckIntelligent7828
“NTA.”
“And neither is your wife.”
“I can understand both of your points of view.”
“It is worth weighing the consequences.”
“Will your in-laws be able to figure it out if you stop supporting them with this?”- bag_of_chips_
Some, however, felt that the OP’s wife was justified in wanting to continue helping her mother with her medication, even if they wholly understood the OP’s frustrations:
“NAH.”
“I would leave SIL out of this – she’s her own person and not relevant to the matter at hand.”
“’Now, the emergency fund is gone because they kept asking money that weren’t really for health emergencies’.”
“Who kept giving them emergency money for non-emergencies?”
“Who controls that fund?”- Malice_A4thot
The OP later returned with an update and shared how he intended to proceed:
“I appreciate all of your input.”
“I have decided to continue supporting my MIL’s medication, but not a penny more than that.”
“I may not fully understand how much my wife loves her parents despite everything they’ve done to her, but I fully understand how much I love my wife.”
“I truly admire my wife’s heart and wouldn’t want to do anything that would break her heart.”
“I have never met someone more caring and selfless than her.”
“With this decision, I have tried to balance all of your perspectives.”
“By limiting the support by buying the medicines for her, we could set boundaries for our family.”
“By continuing the medical help, I want to show my wife how much I support her.”
“We’re also going to set a time to talk to her family so we can also understand where they are coming from and be able to let them know that we can no longer give them anything aside from the medical maintenance.”
“Thank you everyone for all of your input.”
“Appreciate you all!”
Based on everything the OP shared, his in-laws really shouldn’t have been surprised to learn that he was going to completely cut them off financially.
However, even when they frustrate us to our wit’s end, family is ultimately family.
It seems that the OP has come to a solution that will keep everyone happy and improve everyone’s relationships.