When people don't have the full story misconceptions can form.
But what if someone does have all the facts, but still doesn't budge?
A man dealing with that situation at work turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor freddiethroaway asked:
"AITA for refusing to speak to my coworker?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I know how it sounds and looks, please save all judgements until after reading everything."
"I (27, male) work with my partner of six years, Jamila (24, female). We've worked together for as long as we've been together, and most of our coworkers are aware of our relationship."
"We are married as of 2020."
"We recently took on a new intern Olivia, who's in my department. I do most of her training and have been her 'mentor' through most of her time here."
"Due to this, she spends a lot of her breaks with me and my group and leaves around the same time I do. Jamila comes to visit me during lunch and there is light PDA."
"She'll put her hand on my chest, take a bite of my lunch, squeeze my muscles, the usual flirty stuff. It's not an issue usually so I didn't think it would be one now."
"My wife came home crying last Friday as she'd been reported to HR for harassment. There wasn't any real repercussions since as soon as they opened her file they saw that we were married (HR documents these things)."
"I didn't know of anyone who could've reported her until this Monday, Olivia asked me if Jamila was still groping me. I asked her what she meant and she told me she put in a report with HR because she saw Jamila grab my ass in the parking garage."
"To be fair, Jamila did grab my ass, however the advance wasn't unwanted. I explained to Olivia that Jamila and I were married however she was firm in her belief that Jamila shouldn't touch me at all at work and that it sends a weird message to others at work."
"Since then I've avoided speaking to Olivia if things aren't work related and it's been affecting her emotionally."
"I still greet her and say my goodbyes when it's time to leave, but she's asked to get coffee together and I told her I'd be spending my breaks with Jamila or another coworker and I don't invite her if I'm going somewhere for lunch."
"She's been very sad and inattentive at work and my coworkers are telling me to stop treating her this way because she was just looking out for my best interest."
"Am I the asshole for refusing to speak to her if it's not work related?"
The OP added a few more details.
"The PDA I mentioned is light touches, and it's usually during breaks. We'll share lunch, drink off of each other's cups, I'll occasionally hug her and she'll grab my arm or lean her head on me."
"We aren't making out and grabbing each other at work outside of that one instance."
"As far as introductions go, I told Olivia that Jamila was my 'partner' as that is usually how the company asks spouses to refer to one another."
"Also I'm not ignoring her, however if it's not work related ex: 'Where is this?' 'How is this done?' 'Can you send out this email?' then I don't entertain it. She's not being hindered to do her job."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. She had no idea whether the grab was unwanted, as you did not complain. She just assumed."
"You are well within your rights to keep it professional. You are not professionally obligated to go and have coffee with her at any time." ~ Ambry215
"NTA. In fact, I think it is the smart thing to do. She seems pretty quick to jump to the 'harassment' conclusion without finding out about the situation & the people involved."
"I would always make sure others were around when dealing with her too - you don't want to be the subject of false allegations."
"If she's sad about the situation, oh well. How did she think this was going to play out?"
"How do your co-workers think she was 'looking out for your best interests' by getting your wife in trouble? Maybe one of the sympathetic co-workers can take her under their wing." ~ First_Bumblebee_179
"You are very wise to restrict conversation with this co-worker to work related things only. Last thing you need is for her to be filing harassment charges against you." ~ gw2kpro
"NTA. She tried to hurt your family. No contact outside the business necessary is a perfect solution." ~ krlrk
"NTA…she didn't ask you about the situation and went to an extreme step."
"You feel you can't trust her and don't want to be friendly with her."
"That's a situation of her own making and not your problem." ~ giantbrownguy
"NTA. She created a hostile work environment, not you." ~ Equinista
"NTA - she should have gone to talk to you 1st before going straight to HR. She is a coworker not a friend."
"If she is trying to get other workers to feel sad for her just let them know that what you are doing is in her best interest." ~ CODE_NAME_DUCKY
"NTA. The only appropriate response from her was an apology and saying she didn't know that was your wife and just wanted to make sure no one was being harassed in the office."
"She obviously isn't sorry and is still being weird about it, so not talking to her about anything personal is the appropriate and kind thing to do."
"She set the standard - strictly business at work and you're following the standards she set. NTA NTA." ~ StealthyTooth
"NTA. While I'm against PDA at work and think you should knock it off, you don't have to have lunch or build friendships with anyone you don't want to do that with."
"Keeping things strictly professional isn't retaliation." ~ LefthandedLemur
"NTA. You were on a lunch break, so your wife did nothing wrong by 'groping' you. If you did this when you're on the clock, then my answer would be different." ~ alexisbarclayalexei
"I'm sorry, WHAT? 'Looking out for your best interests'?"
"Are you a child? Is she your mother? She's clearly not your wife. NOPE."
"NTA, and this is all horrifying. Olivia is infantilising and patronising you, and it is not her job to police your body."
"Quite the opposite: she's the one who is being wildly inappropriate."
"She seems weirdly possessive given that she's still arguing against your own wife being affectionate with you whilst being upset that you aren't more personally affectionate with her (not in a physical sense, obviously, but being clearly agitated and upset that you won't have an active, personal friendship with her, go for coffee, and do other things beyond the scope of a polite working colleague)."
"If this keeps up, I would honestly have a word with HR about your discomfort with Olivia's continued interest in who touches you and how. Your body does not belong to her." ~ Dangerous_Beans74
"NTA, dude. She didn't ask you about it and went straight to HR to act like your saviour of sorts...she could be interested in you which would explain the sadness upon you not talking to her."
"Anyway the pda you mentioned in your info is prolly okay and lighthearted so chill and don't bother talking to your coworker unless it's for work." ~ jaffareddy707
A number of Redditors thought Olivia might have another motive.
"NTA - sounds like she has a thing for you and tried to get rid of her competition." ~ rubberman5959
"Is this woman romantically interested in OP? Keep her at arm's length."
"What's next? Is she going to accuse you of doing something inappropriate with her if you're friendly?" ~ kek2015
"NTA, it sounds like Olivia has a crush on you. She tried to get your wife fired for touching you." ~ KrissyCano
The OP returned with an update.
"Jamila's case with HR was closed fully this past week. I've spoken to a supervisor and asked that Olivia no longer be my trainee and that she be placed with a female manager, as to avoid any further discomfort."
"Olivia was in attendance for this call and pointed out that she was no longer invited to lunch/breaks and that she felt I was retaliating against her. Our supervisor did inform her that workplace retaliation doesn't apply as breaks and lunches are not included in business operations and that these times are allowed to be as exclusive as employees see fit."
"She asked to not be moved from my team and in the end the decision was left up to me, however I couldn't see things getting better so I asked to move forward with having her be placed elsewhere."
"I did take into consideration my fellow coworkers and apologized if I've made them uncomfortable. The overall consensus was that they never cared either way and were just upset that Olivia was upset as it was causing some discomfort for others."
"Although Jamila and I have started leaving the office for breaks and have limited the touching."
What exactly Olivia's motives were, is only be known by her.
But it's probably best for everyone that the OP and his wife distance themselves from her.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.