Wedding crashers are a bit of a joke trope in TV and film scripts. Show up just for free food, drinks, dancing and potential hookups.
But is funeral crashing a thing? They say funerals are for the living, but does that mean they’re open events for anyone alive to attend?
What if the living who wants to attend was specifically not invited? Even told why they weren’t invited. Is the funeral still for them?
A sibling pondering this issue of an invited guest at a funeral turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Such-Implement-2801 asked:
“AITA for following my late sister’s wishes and kicking our brother out of her funeral?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My sister passed away recently after a long illness, and before she died, she made very clear instructions regarding her funeral. She specifically did not want our brother, John, to attend or receive any of her ashes.”
“To provide some context, growing up, my sister wasn’t kind to John. John also was not great, they fought like cats and dogs.”
“She didn’t bully him or vice versa. It mostly was because they were pitted against each other often by our mother, which wasnt their fault.”
“They did the same sport, basically did the same stuff. Our sister also ‘won’ more often, which didn’t help that dynamic, which made John feel invisible.”
“It was ‘the more you do, the more our parent loved you’ type of deal. Only the winner got rewards and attention.”
“John blamed our sister for his crappy childhood. Our mother was not great, but she already has passed away.”
“Our sister didn’t realize how weird that dynamic was until she was out of the house. I didn’t have this issue since growing up because I didn’t have a sibling near my age to be forced to compete with.”
“As an adult, she sought therapy, recognized the damage she had done, and tried to make amends. She apologized multiple times and reached out, but John refused to reconcile.”
“He was clear that he didn’t want a relationship with her.”
“When she became ill, my sister made one last attempt to reconnect, asking John to visit her. He declined again, stating that he had no interest in repairing the relationship, even as she was dying.”
“This hurt her, and she made it clear that if he didn’t want to see her while she was alive, she didn’t want him at her funeral or receiving any part of her remains. In her view, if he couldn’t show up for her in life, he had no right to be there in death.”
“John showed up at the funeral uninvited—our unlce gave him the date and time. In line with my sister’s wishes, I asked him to leave.”
“He became angry, caused a scene, and accused me of being cruel and preventing him from saying goodbye.”
“But he made it clear that he hated her until she was ash. I don’t even believe he deserved to be at the funeral—he may be her brother, but he never acted like it when she was alive.”
“Several family members have since criticized my decision, saying I should have let him stay for closure. Saying that funerals are for the living, but I pointed out this was her last wish.”
“He thinks I am a huge jerk and I am a refusing to give him anything of hers still.”
“The family is mostly split.”
“So I need an outside opinion.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Followed my late sister’s wishes and kicked our brother out of her funeral.”
“I could be a d*ck for kicking him out and not giving him closure since he refused to give our sister that when she was alive.”
Redditor Vote_for_Knife_Party asked:
“INFO: Are you the legal executor of your sister’s will/estate, or otherwise formally connected to the end-of-life process?”
“Did your sister inform any other close relatives of her wishes regarding John, either verbally or in writing?”
To which OP responded:
“Yes, yes, and I also informed them.”
“My uncle gave John the date and time. John was not invited, so he didn’t have that information, and John knew why he was not invited.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You did the right thing standing up for your sister. She would be proud of you.”
“He can get therapy himself if he is honest about closure and talk to the therapist about it.” ~ Ditzykat105
“This is definitely the kind of thing John needs to talk about in therapy. The downside of going no contact and refusing to repair a relationship has always been stuff like this.
“I understand why John might not want to reconcile, but he also can’t suddenly expect to be allowed to say goodbye on his own terms. Plenty of people lack closure after someone dies for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes there is no easy solution.”
“You just have to work through the grief and accept it.
“I saw OP’s comment about how they were pitted against each other and I agree that isn’t her fault. However, we (and OP) have no idea how John came to this decision, and it’s possible he needed space to be able to heal and become his own person without her.”
“However, both people in a relationship have a right to choose how they interact with each other, and the sister is fully allowed to cut him off in return. NTA.” ~ ConstructionNo9678
“My evil aunt showed up at my nice aunt’s celebration of life. They hadn’t spoken in over 30 years.”
“There was no reason for her to be there. Everyone knew it. I refused to be in the same room as her.”
“Some people are just selfish a**holes. NTA, OP.” ~ restingbitchface2021
“OP didn’t ‘start’ anything. The brother started it by showing up in spite of being told he wasn’t invited. He deserved to be kicked out.” ~ stroppo
“My stepdad has specifically stated to close the door in his bio kid’s face if they show up to his funeral. Their mom talked sh*t about him to them, and they basically believed it and cut off contact.”
“I haven’t seen them in years, and they’ll only be at his funeral to sniff out money. NTA, OP.” ~ JosephFDawson
“It sounds like they didn’t get along as kids because of their parent making them compete for love and attention. OP said they fought like cats and dogs.”
“It doesn’t sound like one of them was meaner than the other.”
“Just that one of them tried to get help to deal with what they went through and apologized. The other sibling did not.”
“John didn’t owe her a relationship. He also isn’t owed the right to be at her funeral if she didn’t want him there.” ~ Vamp459
“He didn’t ‘owe’ her a relationship during life, but his actions have consequences. He chose not to reconcile while she was alive. Losing the right to attend the funeral was the consequence of John’s own actions.” ~ sheath2
“If you decide to go no contact (NC), you had better mean it.”
“Two cousins of mine who are sisters had a falling out after one, frustrated with what she saw as her little sister stagnating in her personal development, wrote a 14-paragraph letter contrasting her little sister’s failures—both actual and perceived—with her own successes.”
“When the younger sister asked if she should respond with a list of the older sister’s failures, older sis became so offended she went no contact. For five years.”
“But big sis had only gone no contact in the way a child gives the silent treatment—a punishment meant to force an apology. She expected her younger sister to eventually grovel and come back begging, even after being attacked in writing and then ignored for years by big sis.”
“But the little sister was so hurt over being shunned that she wrote off the relationship. She went actual no contact.”
“So when big sis got cancer a few years later, little sis didn’t show up, and big sis had a rude awakening. If you go no contact, you had better mean it. NTA, OP, John made his own choices.” ~ thistleandpeony
“NC should be the last step people suggest, not the first. You can always lower contact without fully going no contact.”
“I’ve got some family members I’ve learned to love from a distance because being in close contact has only brought drama and annoyance, but I still want to be there if something like them getting sick happens.”
“Since starting therapy, I’ve only gone NC with a couple of friends, and that was only after multiple conversations with me trying to make them understand why I take issue with their actions. I couldn’t just keep going in circles, nor could I tolerate their behavior, so it was better to just end the friendship permanently.” ~ ConstructionNo9678
“I don’t know why he’d attend if he didn’t like her enough to visit her when she was alive. Was he just there to cause one final scene?
“Or performing the good brother martyr scene for the rest of the family, hoping they didn’t know she tried to reconcile several times? Whatever his plans or motives, actions = consequences. “
“NTA, OP, for refusing access to a private event for someone not invited.” ~ Famous_Specialist_44
Even if OP’s family doesn’t understand or agree with honoring the sister’s dying request, OP got plenty of support online.
Funerals are for the living, but only the invited.