Different people have different standards of cleanliness, and when it comes to cohabitating this can cause huge problems between people.
A person on Reddit found themself in this situation when their boyfriend refused to clean his dirty, moldy bathroom because he's not bothered by the mess.
When the conflict resulted in drama between them and their boyfriend, they weren't sure if they were overreacting.
So they went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for input.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by the username Fluid_Past4515 on the site, asked:
"AITA for refusing to sleep at my boyfriend's apartment until he cleans his bathroom?"
They explained:
"I'm a twice a day shower-er.
"A 5 minute shower in the morning helps me wake up and feel refreshed, then a longer shower at night to help me relax/feel clean before I go to bed."
"This is non negotiable for me."
"My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and he recently moved into an apartment by himself, whereas he previously had housemates."
"In the 4 months he's been there, I've been staying over a couple nights a week."
"Lately I've noticed mold growing in his bathroom and have brought it up to him."
"He says that he'll clean it but never does so I've stopped sleeping over because it's disgusting."
"He's always welcome at my house, but since I have housemates he thinks it's weird and doesn't come over."
"Now that I don't sleep over it's cut down on our time spent together so he's been mopey."
"I've told him numerous times that it's a simple fix for him to clean the bathroom for me to be able to shower and feel clean but he says that it doesn't bother him, but if it bothers me so much then I should be the one to clean it."
"I told him that it's not my responsibility but if he wants me to sleep over again then he needs to clean the mold, or organise and pay somebody to do it."
"He keeps telling me to just come sleep over but go home if I need to shower and then come back, but I'm refusing to because that's ridiculous even though I live 5 minutes away."
"We've been at an odds for a couple weeks over this. AITA?"
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And for the most part, they were all in agreement: OP's boyfriend is in the wrong--so much so that OP might need to break up with him.
"I mean, just cut your losses at this point."
"Dude flat out refuses to clean a bathroom for 4 months and would prefer to argue with you over making you do it than spray a little Exit Mould?"
"How do you reckon that future looks? You really wanna entertain the idea of living with this guy some day?"
"ETA: I'm just gonna edit to add so no one misses it: this man is twenty-nine years old."
"Nine and twenty. One score and nine. Near three decades. And he won't clean mold off his damn bathroom. Lord help us, or at least help OP."
"NTA" --Left-Car6520
"I honestly assumed he was 19/20, and was thinking that this level of laziness sounds about right for that age group."
"But 29. He's a fully grown adult showering in mould. He's going to end up with mushrooms. I'd run like someone was lighting my a** on fire" --FurTumbleweed
"Yes, OP, peruse this sub for a few days and behold the dozens of wives who married the immature slob thinking he'd change...and he didn't."
"So now they're raising 3 kids, working full time, doing 100% of the cooking and cleaning, and wondering if they're the a**hole because they asked their husband to hold the baby for 30 seconds while they fought off a live bear in the kitchen and hubby is just so upset because this interrupted hour 6 of his video game time."
"Cut your losses now." --The_Krudler
"If his bathroom is that filthy, does he have clean sheets? Clean kitchen? Clean hands and junk?"
"This is just gross. NTA" --catsasss
"NTA. But mold aside, can we also take a gander, a glance, a look, if you will at the fact that if OP doesn't go and visit him, they just really don't spend any time together."
"So not only is she expected to clean up after him, but also maintain the relationship as well."
"Run, OP. Run like you've never run before. Steal that high horse he's on and giddy up your own damn self into the sunset." --MarigoldCat
"Totally, I'm on the camp cut your loses as well. I mean, is this the way this guy handle things? It doesn't bother me so if it bothers you, you do it? wtf?"
"What will it be tomorrow? The baby has a dirty diaper but it doesn't bother me, so you change it."
"The dog pooped in the bed, but it doesn't bother me (it is probably on her side), so you clean it?"
"The pile of dishes with roaches don't bother me, if you need a "clean" plate so badly, you clean them... and on and on it goes..." --RAthowaway
"I've dated someone like this very recently. They lived with me half the time and their apartment the other half."
"I'm a VERY tidy person. Like OCD levels of tidiness and organization. My place became filthy and I became resentful."
"His place was never kept and I had to clean his toilet just to feel comfortable."
"Towards the end of the relationship, I felt nothing when I broke up with him because I couldn't see myself being with this person and literally taking care of his sh*t for the rest of my life and we were together for 3+ years."
"He's not going to clean up for himself. He's not going to clean up for you. If this is what makes or breaks your relationship, it's better to find someone who is actually clean."
"And that is NOT hard to find at all. It's called having standards for oneself. If he doesn't have standards for himself then there's no point. He's substandard." --brandonbluntly
"This. My husband would do anything for me. Even when we were dating, he was the type of guy who would jump over mountains for me."
"OP's BF is not a keeper. He can't CLEAN in order to see her. Can you IMAGINE what life would be life if they got married?"
"Dump him. Move on with your life. Tell him he can find a bang maid now that you're gone." --crystallz2000
"Uhg, i bet the bathroom floor is sprinkled all over with urine and the toilet with sh*t. This is a fight that'll keep continue, better say goodbye and find someone who's an actual independent and responsible adult." --xinxenxun
"NTA. Take his 'if it bothers you, you should clean it' as a glimpse into what living together would be like."
"I'm not always straight into the 'dealbreaker' decision, nor am I a neat freak, but I'd think about whether this is the person you'd like to be with."
"Cleaning mold once (if it's regular bathroom mold, not the creeping black mold that needs to be removed by pros) is a chore but can be maintained with normal weekly washes."
"He's not willing to do that for you (and for everyone's health). Walk away." --TemptingPenguin369
"This is a dead end relationship as far as I can see."
"OP can't get him to help now when he doesn't even have OP locked in a legally binding relationship so he probably never will improve."
"His responsibilities are already being shuffed off onto OP."
"Things will only get worse when OP is used to it and has decided the relationship is worth x effort and committed so it will end up being X and Y and z effort." --KnightOfForestsWild
"I can agree. I have been living with my boyfriend for the past 6 months and cleaning is the only reason we ever fight. Love is what gets people together, common ground on daily tasks is what keeps them together." --TinyCatPinkLegs
"Exactly. The fact that he can't even do a basic chore (that he should be doing anyway) for the comfort of his partner speaks volumes about his level of respect or concern for her."
"Relationships require compromises but having a clean home isn't really a compromise. It's disgusting that he doesn't want a clean bathroom for himself, let alone the fact that he's actually fighting her on it." --what_the_a
"NTA. Was leaning towards no AHs until you said he was mopey and tried to make you clean it yourself."
"He's not an AH for having different standards but he can't have it both ways - if he wants you to come over, he can't expect you to clean his place."
"However, this is a basic compatibility issue. Imagine at one point you wanted to move in!"
"You'd be the assigned cleaner for the rest of your life because he just doesn't care. If you want to have separate households forever, that's fine, but if you're planning on living together with a partner, this is not the guy." --RiverSong_777
Hopefully OP can find someone better.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.