Among the many things in our lives, we have no control over, initially at least, are our names.
Of course, when we reach adulthood, no one can stop us from legally changing our name to whatever we want.
But even if your given name is always what will appear on official documents, such as your driver's license and passport, that doesn't necessarily mean you have to be addressed by it.
Something the stepdaughter of Redditor Ok-Tiger5058 chose to do, going by her first and middle initials.
This decision always perplexed the original poster (OP), as she believed her stepdaughter had a beautiful name.
As a result, the OP decided to address her stepdaughter by her given name instead of her adopted nickname.
A decision her stepdaughter didn't appreciate in the slightest.
Wondering if she was doing anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for calling my stepdaughter by her actual first name rather then her nickname?"
The OP shared how she thought her stepdaughter had a beautiful name which she should be proud of, but her stepdaughter preferred to go by a nickname.
I (40 F[emale]) have been with my husband for 6 years married for 2 of those years."
"He has sole custody of his daughter (15 F[emale])."
"His daughter has gone by her first and middle initials EJ since she was a baby."
"Everyone calls her her dad, other family members, teachers, friends, etc, etc."
"When my husband and I were dating, out of curiosity, I asked what EJ stood for."
"He told me, and I thought her name was so pretty so I started calling her that."
"She didn't like being called that, but after a while, I guess she got used to it because she has let me."
"Well, last night, stepdaughter had some friends over, and I asked her to help me with something addressing her by her name."
"Her friends gave questioning looks, and stepdaughter said guys, that's me… a few laughed saying oh yeah and kinda joked about forgetting her actual first name."
"Well, after her friends left she got upset."
"Ranting to her dad about how he doesn't even call her by her first name, so she doesn't understand why his wife (me) gets to. and how she doesn't even feel like a (her first name), she feels like an EJ."
"After her rant, she ran to her bedroom, and my husband ended up getting upset at me."
"Saying I should just respect she prefers to be called EJ. I started saying how I just thought her actual name is so pretty."
"He said I'm honestly acting like an asshole refusing to call her EJ."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The OP received little no to sympathy from the Reddit community, who agreed that the OP was indeed the a**Hole for only calling her stepdaughter by her real name.
Everyone agreed that if the OP's stepdaughter wanted to go by her nickname, she should address her as such, especially in front of her friends, with many finding the fact that she did this as her stepmother made it much worse.
"I think calling you AH sounds so much nicer than OP, so I will just call you that."- Drunktendo64
'"You thought...' then you imposed without asking."
"YTA."
"Big time."
"There is nothing more personal than a spoken name."
"You completely disrespected EJ."
"'Pretty' is not a defendable reason."
"I'm proud of EJ for finally speaking about what she has endured."
"She minimally deserves an apology."- DesertSong-LaLa
"She's not letting you."
"She's resigned to the fact you have ZERO respect for her and her preferences."
"YTA."- TheDrunkScientist
"YTA."
"Legally change your name to the 'pretty' one if you love it so much, but stop calling your stepdaughter by it."- Motown-to-Michiana
"Words matter."
"She asked you to call her 'EJ'."
"YWBTA if you continue to call her by her 'pretty' name that she does not like."- NotCreativeAtAll16
"YTA."
"You arbitrarily started calling someone a name because you liked it, not because the person did."
"You didn't even ask if she liked the name."
"The fact that your husband accused you of 'refusing to call her EJ' suggests that you know she would rather be called EJ but simply ignore it."
"Stop calling her by her given name and start calling her EJ."- inFinEgan
"YTA."
"So much the AH that I'm actually shaking with rage at how dismissive you've been of your stepdaughter for so very long."
"She didn't 'get used to it' . . . you made it so thoroughly, incontrovertibly clear to her that you didn't care how she felt that she just gave up trying to be heard."
"OP is acting like this is a recent issue, but her stepdaughter has literally been telling her from the very first time she did it that she didn't like it, and this woman flat-out ignored her and has persisted for SIX YEARS - over HALF A DECADE - in calling the child a name that she was very clear she didn't like."
"And her justification?"
"'Well, but I think it's so pretty!'"
"So what?"
"Who cares what OP thinks?"
"It's not her identity to decide, and it never was."
"This grown-a** woman has centered herself in someone else's fundamental sense of self and identity because 'I prefer that she be known as this'."
"Just . . . what?!"
"Of course, YTA."
"And you need therapy for your shocking narcissism and lack of boundaries."- Sorry_I_Guess
"AITA/'Basic Common Sense' rule:"
"People's preferences about the way they like to be addressed is not your business to disagree with."
"Is it your name?"
"No?"
"Not your business."
"It's basic common courtesy to address people the way they tell you they want to be addressed."
"She likes better 'EJ' over her full name."
"Everybody calls her that way."
"Why do you make it so difficult because you prefer it another way?"
"YTA."- ChibiSailorMercury
"YTA."
"You met her and accepted her as EJ. You have no right to force her to use another name."
"Many people hate their given name and go by nicknames or shorten their own name, me included."
"I will scold a person that called me my birth name."
"A birth name can have (negative) emotions attached to it. It can trigger memories you don't want."
"Forcing it upon a person just sucks!"- nijmeegse79
"YTA."
"Names are how we present ourselves to the others."
"And especially by age 15, she has every right to decide how she prefers to be called."
"You are putting your petty, personal opinions over her decisions about her own self and self-agency."
"You shouldn't have had to be told to stop doing it, but you've been told to stop doing it."
"And you keep doing it."
"You are an a**hole."
"Stop doing it."
"Show your step-daughter at least some modicum of respect."- Qalyar
"YTA."
"Hugely."
"You should have listened the first time she said she prefers her nickname."
"Your liking her birth name is NOT more important than your obligation to show her the absolute, rock bottom, bare-minimum courtesy and respect of using her preferred moniker."- rapt2right
"YTA."
"10/10 top-notch evil stepmother story."
"Which gets you off more: the fact you got to call a kid a name she hates or the fact you broke her enough that she stopped complaining?"- CarterPFly
"You thought her actual name is pretty."
"That's great."
"Now get off your high horse, apologize to her, and address her by the name she's comfortable with."
"Survey says: YTA."- Spray_and_Pray_2600
"You are being straight up disrespectful."- Ok-Cheetah-9125
"I hate people who post and never comment on their post."- Rollos_Descendant
"YTA."
"Calling her by her preferred name costs you nothing."
"Not doing so because you think the 'name is so pretty' is you waltzing all over her boundaries that you, as a step parent especially, should respect."- -FrostFlower-
"YTA for not asking if she liked or minded being called her full name before you even used it."
"YTA a thousand times more for continuing to do it for years when you knew she didn't like it."
"There's a word for that, and it's bullying."- champagneformyrealfr
"I was right there with you until I read she preferred to be called EJ."
"You blew it S-Mom, when you insisted on calling her by her given name."
"It really doesn't matter whether her name is beautiful or hideous: Step- D prefers her nickname and you ignored her."
"YTA."- CommonTaytor
Perhaps the OP should have considered asking her rather than just calling her by her given name because she thinks it's pretty,
Knowing why she prefers to go by her nickname might have helped the OP understand and possibly lead her to respect her wishes.
This isn't to say that the OP needed a reason to do it and couldn't have just respected her stepdaughter's wishes, to begin with.
No matter how pretty her given name may be, it's not what her stepdaughter wanted.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.