Disorders that affect your appearance are a pain to deal with. They create a layer of mental problems to deal with, as well as health decisions, and all of these things are so personal and difficult.
When someone else tries to make those decisions for you, it's not only uncalled for, it's very disrespectful. This was the situation Reddit user bald_and_bitter found herself in, as her father tried to control the decisions she made about her unfortunate hair-loss disorder.
After reacting in a way that made her father extremely upset, she went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" for perspective on her actions:
"AITA for ruining a wig my dad tried to make me wear?"
Our original poster, or OP, told us about her disorder and the precarious situation she found herself in.
"I'm on a throwaway account because this is a rather... unique situation."
"Dad (49M[ale]) has a severe hair loss condition, but he's never done anything to hide it and he's at the age where it doesn't matter."
"I (19F[emale]) was really hoping the gene missed me, but apparently not. In my teens I started noticing bald patches and weird regrowth/loss patterns."
In order to deal with it, OP shaved her head.
"I got made fun of for it (nothing extreme, but you know teenagers) and in college I had enough and decided to go bald."
"It was an impulse decision but I'm young and dumb, and I loved the way it looked after. I'm planning to stay bald for the immediate future."
Being on lockdown has forced OP back with her parents, and her father in particular had a poor reaction.
"Recent events (gestures to the state of the world) forced me to leave uni and move back in with my parents, which means they've seen my new hair (or lack thereof) and are upset about it."
"Mom got over it in a few days when I told her it made me happy. Still looks a bit weirded out sometimes, but that's fine."
"Dad has refused to shut up about it. You'd think it was his head I shaved."
He was rather unkind about it.
"Says it looks weird, I'll never get a boyfriend/job, I looked so much prettier with my hair, called me a lesbian (he used the slur), etc."
"I told him to back off because the double standard is unfair and it was his stupid genes that caused this whole problem in the first place, and he shut up. I thought that was it, but I guess not."
And decided to take matters into his own hands.
"Days pass, and yesterday I wake up and the first thing I see is a wig box thing on my desk. I was pissed, confronted dad about it, and he admitted he got it for me and tried to convince me to wear it."
"I said no and tried to give it back, but he wouldn't take it and suggested I keep it for a few days to see if my feelings changed. I threw it in the trash."
And kept being persistent.
"This morning, same thing. I guess dad dug the wig out of the trash and put it back, which is not only annoying but also really gross."
So OP retaliated.
"I was really frustrated and didn't think more talking would do any good, so I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut all the wig hair off onto my dad's side of the bed."
"Not too much of a hassle to clean, but there are some strands that will probably linger for days."
And it resulted in a full breakdown in communication between dad and daughter.
"Dad found out, screamed at me, I barricaded myself in my room. I didn't hear all of it, but apparently the wig was expensive and I'm ungrateful."
"Mom told us to calm down and talk things out in the morning, which I'm not looking forward to, because I feel justified. AITA?"
Redditors helped OP gain perspective on where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA-Not The A**hole
- YTA-You're The A**hole
- ESH-Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH-No A**holes Here
Redditors are divided on this one.
Some think OP is NTA, some think everyone is really not reacting well.
"Definitely NTA! It seems like your dad had treated you horribly, calling you slurs, insulting you and yelling at you just because you don't want to wear a wig."
"You have a right to do what you want with your body and he shouldn't be able to dictate this."~PasteIYellow
"I think more than feminine beauty standards, your dad is projecting his own issues on you. He had some self-image or esteem issues due to hair falling out, which by the looks of it was progressive."
"Maybe he got sh*t on for that. Now he sees his daughter bald, which was by choice, so he didn't handle it well."
"But regardless it was really immature and crude. You're NTA, op. Whatever the reason may be, he went way too far. Ideally he should have shut up about it after you said it makes you happy."~HighInTheDepths
"ESH but only mildly for you and very much for your dad. His reaction was outdated, over the top, bigoted, uncalled for, unnecessary, all those things."
"I wonder if he feels a bit guilty though, since he bought the wig after you mentioned you inherited the condition from him."
"But if I were you I would have just kept it and refused to wear it, not ostentatiously thrown it away (not that he should have taken it out of the bin) or deliberately destroyed it on his side of the bed."
"That's also a petty escalation."
"Wigs are really expensive. My friend with alopecia spent ages saving for a good quality one. It's a shame it's destroyed now."
"However obviously your dad is the biggest a**hole. Just I would have maybe toned down your response a bit rather than playing his game."~FraughtOverwrought
"I think the part that made the destruction a bit petty/unnecessary was destroying it over his bed. That's a targeted, deliberate (deserved) 'f**k you.'"
"I think boiling it down to just destruction is disingenuous. That's like the difference between picking up poop your neighbor's dog left in your yard and throwing it into theirs vs placing it on their stoop and lighting it on fire."
"Might feel good in the moment, and even after tbh, but it's certainly an escalation."~FirstMasterpiece
Everyone agreed OP's dad was out of line, but some pointed out OP also escalated the situation unnecessarily.
"NTA. It's your hair and you can do what you want with it."
"Not only was your dad absolutely overstepping with his hideous comments, he had the audacity to get you a wig?"
"And then get you a trash-covered wig again? If he's so insecure about hair loss he should wear it."~radstarr
"NTA. Your dad clearly has control issues. By giving you such an expensive wig, he only expected you to submit."
"You didn't. Cutting the wig into pieces might've been a little overboard, but so was his reaction to a freaking haircut."~fkingpie
"ESH. To clarify, you suck the least. Obviously your dad is being super inappropriate by trying to control your sense of style, and your bodily autonomy. There's no denying that he's being TA."
"But it's a bit weird to deliberately cut up the wig over his side of the bed. The only scenarios where people leave destroyed things in people's beds are like....the Mafia or serial killers."
"I understand the point you were trying to make but I feel like it would have been more successfully conveyed if you had taken the wig to him, laughed, and asked why he cares so much about your romantic life, or your style."
"Or, most importantly, how you choose to deal with a medical condition that you have no control over except very specifically how you wear your hair."~ElephantJuiceYoyo
"NTA. I shaved my head (not bald, and I didn't have to) at one point and my father didn't take it well."
"I'd had a pixie cut before that and he felt the need to inform me I 'looked like a boy' (my self esteem was very low, I actually finally started liking how I looked with the pixie cut)."
"He didn't want me to go out, and tried to make me wear earrings or makeup all the time to make sure I looked feminine enough."
"It hurts, it hurts an insane amount. Your father was being a huge dick, women shave their heads, lots of beautiful and famous women shave their heads."
"He never should've pushed the wig on you."
"I'm not entirely sure you destroying it was the best option, but he brought that on himself with his entirely unacceptable behavior and it's his fault, ultimately."~schismasvoice
But most of all, Redditors echoed one sentiment—OP's dad is not entitled to her head.
"NTA. Your dad is taking out his own guilt for passing down the 'bald gene' to you on to you, in a very unconstructive way."
"Not only that, but it reinforces sexist ideas that as a woman you 'should' have hair to be pretty, whereas for men baldness is an accepted thing. Eff that."
"Besides, just because he spend a lot on a 'gift' doesn't mean he gets to dictate what you do with the 'gift'."
"He had one chance to back out when you threw it in the trash but he persisted. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes."~spoonfullofrage
"NTA ask him why he didn't wear it for a day to 'try it!'"
"For your upcoming conversation... You want him to accept who you are. He can't protect you from harm and hurt he can only support you."
"And here's some bald NON lesbian (not that it matters) successful sexy women to reference: Gail Porter, Ricki Lake and Sinéad O'Connor."
"And this is for you, exploring the history of shame and baldness in women, and how unacceptable that is: https://www.ladyalopecia.com/bald-women/"~watchingonsidelines
"NTA. You didn't want the thing anyway."
"Your dad's homophobia and concern for your image seems more rooted in the fact that he doesn't want a daughter who looks like you. Big deal."
"He can grow some balls and get over his narrow-minded idea of what a woman should look like."
"Women with bald/shaved heads are sexy. Lesbian women are awesome. Your dad is an immature prick who has no right to shout at you, emotionally manipulate you, or project his issues onto you."~isaacthe2nd
"NTA. Your father has been mean to you, and called you slurs, and tried to force you to conform to HIS beauty standards and how he thinks you should look."
"You politely turned him down, and you told your mom you're happy this way (and I assume he knows you said that, too)."
"His unwillingness to accept you as you are is, frankly, sad."
"You're still his daughter and he should love you no matter what, not to mention what you did was basically unavoidable considering how you've said your hair was even falling out, anyway."~The-Moocat
While OP's reactions may have been a bit over the top, Redditors agree dad was the major a**hole.
If dad and OP do end up having a conversation, hopefully she will be able to set boundaries that he will respect.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.