Teenagers are stuck between childhood and adulthood. They want to exert their independence, but still want or need adults to bail them out.
The unfortunate consequence of that dichotomy—and the hormones of puberty—is often a willful know-it-all that goes out of their way to not do what they’re told.
And if it’s difficult for their parents to get compliance, what chance does a person barely out of their teens going to have?
A 21-year-old son turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after acting as tour guide for a visiting teen.
Internal_Design8595 asked:
“AITA for not putting in more effort to dissuade the kid from eating very spicy food?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My dad’s business counterpart ‘Steve’ is currently in our country—Thailand—on a trip. He also brought his daughter ‘Emma’ (age 13).”
“Initially, Dad wanted my sister (18) to take the kid sightseeing, but my sister shook her head and said her English isn’t good enough, and that she wouldn’t be able to hold an interesting conversation with her.”
“So my dad and his counterpart gave me (21, male) that task instead.”
“I felt obligated to inform Steve our AQI [air quality index] is 154 [can affect everyone], so he can decide if he wants me to take the kid to see one of our temples outdoors—we have beautiful Buddhist temples—or to an indoor museum instead.”
“He picked the latter, so I took her to a National Museum. Later I took Emma to the mall where we had dinner at a nice restaurant.”
“This is where the problem is.”
“Our curry is very spicy. It’s a staple of our cuisine. The restaurant has this sort of chart where one chili is mild and five chilies means extremely spicy.”
“My mom always picks five chilies and then tells the waiter to tell the chef to go extra spicy, while the most I ever took is three chilies. And that was only in an ill-conceived attempt to impress a girl.”
“Emma saw me pick one chili and asked how spicy can it be. Then she picked five. I told her ‘That’s a very bad idea’. She insisted. I told her ‘I’m telling you. It’s way too spicy’. But she said she can take it.”
“She spat out the first bite and got teary eyed.”
“I quickly ordered coconut water; it’s how my mom taught me to sooth my mouth from the burning sensation. Later, I let her pick another dish and a dessert.”
“She was quite mad and so was her dad when she told him. He said that as an adult I shouldn’t have let her do something so foolish.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole since I am an adult and should have prevented her from doing something foolish.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I’m not sure what Steve excepted you to do—physically restrain her?”
“You told her that it would be too hot, and it was too hot. 13-year-olds don’t listen, because they are 13. The only way you can be old and wise is to first be young and stupid.”
“The only permanent idiot here is Steve for thinking events would play out differently and holding you accountable for his unrealistic expectations.” ~ Lainy122
“NTA. She’s 13, not 3. That is well past the stage of keeping hot and sharp things out of reach and well into the FAFO stage of life.” ~ RedditBeginAgain
“She most likely never heard the word ‘no’ before because of her indulging father. Instead of blaming you, Steve should thank you for allowing her to learn from her stupidity. NTA.” ~ EnFiPs
“NTA. People coming to South Asia know better than to order spicy food.” ~ der_innkeeper
“NTA. Tell Steve and your father that clearly Emma doesn’t respect your advice or your money since she wasted it on a dish you told her she would not be able to eat, so you are no longer available to entertain her. They can now hire a nanny.” ~ Viva_Veracity1906
“NTA. You warned her. It’s on her for not listening. Besides, you’re not her parent.”
“I bet if you were more firm, like say you snatched it away from her, Steve would be getting angry with you for that, too.” ~ Ill_Painter_8355
“She got a new meal she could eat and coconut water to soothe the burn. Unless she wanted to get her voluntold tour guide into trouble, there was nothing that she needed to mention other than she was a typical 13-year-old that didn’t listen.” ~ Ok-Raspberry7884
“She was embarrassed to be wrong and her dad has raised her to believe that it’s always other people’s fault. NTA.” ~ FeuerSchneck
“NTA. I, too, have been a thirteen year old in a southeast Asian restaurant. Vastly overestimating your spice tolerance for weird teen reasons and then suffering is practically a rite of passage.”
“In a couple years, this will be a hilarious story that Emma’s family will tell at every opportunity. You did fine, this is fine.”
“This is a nice low-stakes situation for Emma to learn the value of respecting local knowledge when she’s visiting another country, which might even save her some grief in future travels.” ~ sailor_moon_knight
“I agree with you. If it were my 13-year-old, I would have been like, ‘Well, I guess you learned that lesson’. OP’s dad and Emma’s dad are infantilizing her by expecting OP to have stopped her.” ~ SophisticatedScreams
“NTA. You warned her and she insisted that she could handle it. I’m not sure what else you could’ve done at that point besides physically taking the dish away from her before she could try it—which I’m sure would’ve been a problem with her/her father too.” ~ purplepig14
“NTA. You warned her. She insisted, but she’s 13 and old enough to choose what she wants to eat and live with the consequences. You got her coconut water and another dish plus dessert after she made the mistake.” ~ AceOfGargoyes17
“She is 100% fine, no? Unless she somehow injured herself eating the spicy food, it is unreasonable and pointless to get mad at you. There’s nothing to be mad about, the spicy sensation has dispersed.”
“That’s like them getting mad at you because she tried a new food she didn’t like. Or getting mad at you because she stubbed her toe while walking around the mall. NTA.” ~ Old-Smokey-42069
“NTA. This is where you learn from your sister. She was right to refuse to be part of that mess.” ~ k23_k23
“NTA—she’s 13, not 3. What, were you supposed to do, slap the food out of her hand? You told her not to do it. She chose to ignore you. They’re both a**holes.” ~ Beautiful_Release3
“You literally told her not to. She would have been then mad at you for not letting her try, and thinking she’s weak.”
“She had to learn a lesson that day, but unfortunately the only thing she took home from that, is that you’re somehow a jerk for not telling her not to do something hard enough. NTA.” ~ CmdrHoratioNovastar
“NTA. She’s a teen, you warned her, she insisted then learned her lesson the hard way. You bought her other food—so it’s not like she went hungry.”
To be honest, I can imagine plenty of parents handling this the same way you did—sometimes we will only accept fire burns if we’re allowed to put our hand in.” ~ Crafty_Birdie
“NTA, and just never take her out again. It’s that simple, she’s old enough to know that this is on her. She made that decision. You tried to warn her, so Steve can take his daughter out himself.” ~ Prettyricky27_
“NTA—the parent can watch their own kid instead if they want things done a certain way. Or actually pay someone to babysit instead of some colleague’s relative getting roped in to provide childcare.” ~ paul_rudds_drag_race
“NTA, you could not punish her for being disobedient. She is not your child. You had no power to enforce any rules. You did the right thing by providing information, but final decision was on her.” ~ mintchan
“NTA. If you had refused to pay for spicy food for her, then her dad would’ve been mad at you for being controlling.” ~ 1568314
“NTA. You warned her about the spiciness, and she insisted on ordering the dish. You can’t be held responsible for her choices.” ~ Potential-Okra-2097
“NTA. You already warned her but she knew better. Shocking! I consider this a lesson learned for her. She’s 13 not 3. Old enough to own her fubars. That’s not on you.” ~ Money_Diver73
“My guess is if you hadn’t let her order that, she’d have told her dad who would have been mad that you didn’t let her make her own choices…. Either way they’d have been mad at you. NTA.” ~ medandhedhmd
“It’s a right of passage to realize that Mexican, Indian and the various Asian cuisines have vastly different heat scales. Mexican 8 is similar to an Indian 2, and I couldn’t even eat the Indonesian 0.5.” ~ EntrepreneurOk7513
As many pointed out, OP was in a no-win situation.
If he’d insisted she follow his advice, she’d have been mad at that, too.
She might not have learned her lesson because of her father shifting blame for her own choices, but the OP hopefully learned to just say no to tour guide duty in the future.