Family dynamics are hard for all of us to deal with from time to time, but it can be especially hard with toxic environments and other complications, like differences in income.
One family struggled with being a blended family, according to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Specifically, Redditor Plane-Tadpole3888 was cornered repeatedly with issues of racism.
When she finally spoke out about it, the Original Poster (OP) was met with serious resistance.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my dad to go back to his White family and leave me alone?”
The OP didn’t have a positive relationship with their stepmom.
“My dad is White and he married a White woman after he left mom. He had two kids with her.”
“My mom and dad had joint custody and things were pretty sh*t.”
“My stepmom is racist. She wanted me to be White. I am half-Asian and I don’t pass as White.”
“She frequently joked about my parentage. She lied to others that I was adopted.”
“She made me feel like a freak in so many different ways and my father just watched on and ignored it.”
The OP distanced themselves from their father.
“My mom got me out of there when I was 15. My father has not really been in my life since.”
“It has been two years, and my dad suddenly realized that he has another daughter too.”
“This a**hole is trying to contact me.”
“He came home a few times and mom lets him in. He is trying to apologize and I don’t want anything to do with him.”
“He wanted a White family and he has one.”
“I don’t want to pretend like I have a dad or sh*t. I don’t.”
The OP tried to put their dad in his place.
“He came over this Sunday and I straight-up told him to go back to his White family and to leave me alone.”
“I told him that I hated him and his wife. I didn’t even like my half-siblings.”
“I don’t consider them family and I never wanted to see him and he already had the picture-perfect White family that he wanted.”
“He didn’t say anything and he ended up leaving.”
“He hasn’t tried to reach out again. I am okay with that.”
Not everyone agreed with the OP’s actions.
“My mom thinks I was too harsh with him.”
“I know I was really harsh. I was, I wanted to hurt him.”
“I really wanted to yell at him and make him hurt his feelings.”
“I think that makes me an a**hole.”
“I did that to just hurt his feelings.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP might have been a bit harsh, but justifiably so.
“NTA. Your anger is totally understandable.”
“But I am concerned for you as you seem to be carrying a lot of it and a lot of resentment. If your mom has access and means consider therapy.”
“Carrying anger and resentment around can color your thinking and feelings in general and prevent you from really living your best life.”
“Learning tools early for managing those feelings can help you tremendously in other areas of life too like the workplace and personal relationships.”
“I’m so sorry you experienced all this racist treatment from your own freaking family, no less. You deserve better and your father had a responsibility to protect you.” – I_Suggest_Therapy
“NTA – Your feelings and anger are valid. Being mixed race is a complicated road to be on, and you often don’t know where you stand, so to speak.”
“I have a Black mom and a mixed-race, but White-passing dad. Growing up was confusing to say the least.”
“Unfortunately, your stepmother has made it very clear in terms of what place you have in her family, which is absolutely vile and unforgivable, IMO.”
“At the very least, your father is complicit in this. I am so sorry you had to go through this.”
“Have you heard your father’s apology/has he acknowledged the racism?”
“His continued marriage to this woman may be indicative of how much he actually understands the situation and your pain.”
“I understand you are hurting – while you were harsh, the treatment you’ve endured from your family is way worse. Protect your heart, OP.”
“You do not have to accept racism or prejudice in order to gain love and acceptance from ANYONE. I hope that you find some peace and closure, and are able to embrace who you are.”
“I don’t know you, but I know that you are beautiful and WAY more than the sum of all of your parts.” – KaleidoscopeCute9533
“NTA. I may be a bleeding heart here but f*ck your dad. You were a bit harsh and your intentions weren’t really great, but also… your dad sucks.”
“He deserved that. 100%. The fact that you’ve recognized that you did it for ‘bad’ reasons makes you not an a**hole to me.”
“Heal on your own time. If he wants to be a good father all of a sudden he’ll wait for you to be ready to reconcile.” – rorank
“JAH. Justified a**hole. Protect yourself from people who only want to hurt you.”
“You needed to be harsh to get him to understand that you want nothing to do with him, and for your mum to understand that as well to stop letting him in if he comes over again.” – AmazingDoomslug
Others said the OP’s father deserved it after allowing the behavior for so long.
“NTA. He picked who he loved more at the expense of his daughter. He has to live with that now for the rest of his life.”
“My father left my family to play family to another. It’s been years.”
“They say you’ll grow out of the hate and pain. You don’t. It just hurts less.”
“I still refuse to forgive him. He made his choice.”
“He didn’t want to be my dad. So why should I be his daughter?”
“Stay strong. You did nothing wrong. You deserve love.”
“I advise to seek out therapy.”
“You may feel like you have a good hold on your feelings but trust me, the feelings of rejection or not being good enough will eat you alive if you don’t get help on how to process your feelings.” – WellS**kMe
“Oh. Cannot properly express how dreadful this all is; I’m so very sorry for the experiences your father put you through.”
“That thing he wed is a monster & you, my darling girl, should have never been exposed to it.”
“In NO way are you an AH. My hope is you are surrounded by good people who love & respect you for the rest of your precious life.” – verucka-salt
“As someone who is also half Asian, you did not deserve this. I had to go through something similar from an aunt and she treated me and my siblings like sh*t.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through this. You weren’t wrong in how you expressed yourself to your dad.”
“He abandoned you to be abused by your stepmom, then abandoned you again for two years. You have no obligation to engage with either of them.” – Butterkupp
“NTA. No one gets to force you to have a relationship with anyone (family or not) until you’re ready – if you’re ready at all.”
“Your sperm donor doesn’t get to allow you to be treated like garbage by a racist, not say anything (which means he’s perfectly ok with that racism) and then suddenly decide that it’s ‘water under the bridge’ and that he wants to be a ‘father’ to you again.”
“What you said are your true and authentic feelings – and if he’s upset/hurt by that? Well – maybe he shouldn’t have been an a**hole to you.”
“You don’t get to treat people like they don’t matter and expect fences to be mended on your own terms.” – PrincessBuzzkill
Though they could agree the OP was harsh, the subReddit understood why the OP was so upset and why they felt the need to make sure their father got their message.
He had been out of line by appearing over and over without OP’s consent.
After he enabled his new wife’s repeated acts of racism, he wasn’t entitled to demand forgiveness or the OP’s time.