In most of the first world, people are having far fewer children.
My maternal Grandmother was one of 17 children, my Mother was one of 7, I am one of three, and my older Sister is the only one of us to have a child—and she stopped at one.
That’s a massive drop in births over about 125 years through four generations in one family. But we’re pretty typical.
In 1970, half of the population in the United States was younger than 28 years old as the Baby Boomer years transitioned to Gen X. But in 2020, 42% of the population was 45 and older—up from just 27% in 1940—and the share of people 65 and older more than doubled between 1940 and 2020.
The U.S. population now has fewer children under age 5 than it had in 2010 or in 2000. Our population is getting older and there are more people choosing to never have children.
For families with aging parents, that’s already causing problems and contributing to some people’s choices to forego marriage or children.
A daughter juggling elderly parents and toddlers turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Trowout22 asked:
“AITA for telling my ill dad to stop asking me to visit him in the hospital?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I am in my mid 30’s. My parents are really old. My dad is almost 90. My mom is in her 70’s. My dad was in his mid 50’s when my parents had me.”
“Since I was 6 years old, my dad has had major procedures in the hospital. At first it was once every 2-3 years, and within the last 15 years it’s been once a year. In the last two years, it’s been every few months.”
“My mom got married ‘later’ in life. She lived her life to help her parents. I feel like because she ‘missed out’, she put unrealistic expectations on me.”
“She pressured me even before I ever met my current husband to find someone and have kids. I had kids, and shortly after my youngest was born, she let me know she wouldn’t be able to help me.”
“I expected such with her age, but it was insane to me how even yet still she would ask me to have more kids.”
“My dad has been in the hospital twice now this year for complications from congestive heart failure. My eldest is 3 and my youngest is 16 months.”
“I am able only to see my dad for a short while in the hospital. They call me everyday to ask if I’m coming to see them. My mom sent me a text today in the middle of my work meetings saying ‘your dad is asking for you’.”
“I’ve been so exhausted from just raising kids, dealing with issues with my husband, work, cleaning house, potty training, etc… I saw the text and called her and said ‘why did you send the text?’.”
“She said ‘I’m just letting you know your dad is asking for you’. I responded ‘has anything changed? Is anything happening?’ She said ‘nothing changed since yesterday’ when I last saw them.”
“Is this practical, or normal ? I’m extremely overwhelmed and this is just added stress coming off as manipulation to me.”
“I’ve been FaceTiming my folks several times a day, even before the hospitalization—we FaceTime them as we get the kids ready for daycare so they can see them. I FaceTime them usually during my work hours once to see how they’re getting along.”
“And then when my kids come home, and if my kids request to talk to their grandparents, they can FaceTime them as much as they want… sometimes my eldest wants to show his grandparents his toys or what cool thing he learned. My youngest FaceTimes them to ask them to sing to him Ms Rachel songs.”
“I visit 2-3x a week. They get 3-4 FaceTime calls a day, most of the time around the clock to see the kids when they wake up and before bed. Today I started a new job so I wasn’t able to do it, and that’s why my mom sent the text as if I forgot them.”
“I offered my parents to move in, so this way they wouldn’t feel alone, they could be part of my kids daily lives and enjoy them, etc… I said we don’t have a lot of space, but we could make it work.”
“They got upset and said that I was trying to take their independence. I told them it’s the only way I can see them consistently and have time to do the tasks they need from me.”
“I wouldn’t want to move in with my kids either—especially after being independent for so long, but after living this with my parents, I have my own opinions now on how I want to approach aging.”
“My father just called me in the middle of writing this and asked me why I’m not at the hospital and I responded, in the middle of playing with my kids, ‘if you wanted me to be by your side all the time, why did you all expect grandkids from me? Did you think that my job was just to give birth to them and abandon them once you needed me?’.”
“I feel horrible I said this. My mom made a comment I can find a babysitter and that she always sees advertisements for babysitters. I told her that ‘I can’t afford daycare and a babysitter everyday to come see you. Then my kids will see me less than 4 hours a day’.”
“I hate to add on this part, but—my dad has literally had everything. Heart surgery, intestinal surgery, cancer, a stroke, etc… His health is declining rapidly.”
“But he will be in the hospital for weeks. Not only can I not afford childcare to cover me for weeks—I don’t want to.”
“I want to spend time with my kids, especially knowing that … he’s always in the hospital, and my kids are too young in my opinion not to have me for a set amount of hours a day.”
“My mom told me I’m the a-hole for and that I should respect a dying man’s wishes—but he’s been having a dying man’s wishes for 15 years now.”
“AITA for asking my parents to stop asking me when I’m going to visit?”
The OP later added.
“There’s not a time where I didn’t anticipate my parents death. I can’t remember when I realized my parents were older, but even from early on people would make comments like ‘oh are you on a grocery trip with grandpa/grandma?’ I think sometime in middle school it really solidified for me.”
“I have a lot of resentment for them having me late in life, especially my dad at the age he did as a second shot since his first marriage ended in divorce and my older half-sister despised him for it.”
“I’m not saying just because it didn’t work out, then he shouldn’t remarry. But trying that in your 30’s and 40’s to have kids is reasonable. Trying again to start a whole new family in mid 50’s, and choosing to retire a few years later when you can’t afford to and your young kids still need you is selfish.”
“I know many people do it and maybe they have the financial means so that it offsets other stress, especially with getting help (nannies). It wasn’t the case for us.”
“I was 10 years old if I remember correctly, helping my dad doing PT after his latest surgery. Not because he was born with a certain condition, where this was just how it was, but because he chose to have young kids when he didn’t have the time, the health, or the finances.”
“Forgive me I know this sounds like it’s coming from a dark place, but it’s impacted me on so many levels. It even messed with my ability to choose friends, lovers, etc. I spent years trying to learn what a boundary was.”
“My half sister through my dad died a few years back, but went through periods of no contact and low contact. She had health issues (genetic from her mother’s side). My younger sibling is around, but he’s also working. He does stop by nearly every day.”
“He’s the youngest and my only remaining sibling. They have always tried not to pull him in like they do with me, as they say he’s ‘different’ and can’t handle stress well.”
“I can see that my response to my mom was rude, I was just so stressed and honestly my mom doesn’t also understand a kind answer, unfortunately. I hate to say it that way—she has in the past purposely hurt herself for attention before.”
“She has a problem just asking for ‘hey do you think we can just spend some time together?’ It will always be ‘did you forget you had a mother?’ It has made me very bitter toward her when it comes to these types of situations, and while I know I should be better, I go through periods of no contact with her for some mental peace.”
“My husband watches the kids so I can go 2-3x a week. It’s hard during the week. I mean, we are going through problems and have been for some time.”
“He will watch the kids when I need to go, but they give him a hard time, crying or screaming for me the whole time. So it’s literally me running to put out one fire and running back to put out another.”
“The hospitals not far, but my kids are in daycare—at $3k per month—where they’re always sick, and I’m working on potty training my eldest as well as working through some of his high energy phase to help make the toddler phase easy on him and us.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I get they want you to be there, but as you said, it’s been 15 yrs. And if his condition hasn’t changed, then it’s a bit much to offer no help with childcare, but expect you to leave your job and your kids every minute.” ~ Humble-Macaron7768
“If FaceTime was enough for my 102-year-old nan, it’s enough for Dad. Stop running to the hospital. Cut back to once a week. NTA.” ~ dreadedbugqueen
“NTA—you’re an adult with a family of your own. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing them, and your parents should not expect daily visits in this situation.”
“If there are times you can visit, it’s fine to tell them, ‘I can visit once or twice per week and that’s it. My kids need me’.” ~ wesmorgan1
“I’m in my late 40s and my wife wanted to have another kid, now that all of ours have moved out. I was completely against it, as we’re way too old to have a kid. When they’re completing high school, we would be retired.”
“Having kids that late in life is very selfish as you are bound to either be unable to keep up physically or possibly dying or in the process of it.”
“Even if I was dying and in the hospital I wouldn’t expect my grown kids to come dote on me and act like I was their world. They have their own lives and if I was stupid enough to tell them to get babysitters, I would be throwing money at them to enable it.”
“I know from my own parents it’s hard to constantly visit them when they’re sick and the older they get the more they get sick, so you have to stop dropping everything every time something happens, as it’s constantly happening. NTA.” ~ SteveJobsPen
“NTA. Set specific days, once or twice a week where you will visit him for a short while. To ask you to come every day when you have small children is too much. Pick times when your husband is around to watch the children.”
“When they call on other days, remind them that you will be visiting on Wednesday evenings and Sunday afternoons, for example. And then follow through. Your children need to come first, absolutely, and your parents should understand that.” ~ T_G_A_H
Most Redditors felt OP was doing too much already—the exact opposite of not enough—to cater to her parents. It’s necessary to focus on her own children who need her instead of the parents receiving medical care who just want a visit.