In most of the first world, people are having far fewer children.
My maternal Grandmother was one of 17 children, my Mother was one of 7, I am one of three, and my older Sister is the only one of us to have a child—and she stopped at one.
That's a massive drop in births over about 125 years through four generations in one family. But we're pretty typical.
In 1970, half of the population in the United States was younger than 28 years old as the Baby Boomer years transitioned to Gen X. But in 2020, 42% of the population was 45 and older—up from just 27% in 1940—and the share of people 65 and older more than doubled between 1940 and 2020.
The U.S. population now has fewer children under age 5 than it had in 2010 or in 2000. Our population is getting older and there are more people choosing to never have children.
For families with aging parents, that's already causing problems and contributing to some people's choices to forego marriage or children.
A daughter juggling elderly parents and toddlers turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Trowout22 asked:
"AITA for telling my ill dad to stop asking me to visit him in the hospital?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I am in my mid 30's. My parents are really old. My dad is almost 90. My mom is in her 70's. My dad was in his mid 50's when my parents had me."
"Since I was 6 years old, my dad has had major procedures in the hospital. At first it was once every 2-3 years, and within the last 15 years it's been once a year. In the last two years, it's been every few months."
"My mom got married 'later' in life. She lived her life to help her parents. I feel like because she 'missed out', she put unrealistic expectations on me."
"She pressured me even before I ever met my current husband to find someone and have kids. I had kids, and shortly after my youngest was born, she let me know she wouldn't be able to help me."
"I expected such with her age, but it was insane to me how even yet still she would ask me to have more kids."
"My dad has been in the hospital twice now this year for complications from congestive heart failure. My eldest is 3 and my youngest is 16 months."
"I am able only to see my dad for a short while in the hospital. They call me everyday to ask if I'm coming to see them. My mom sent me a text today in the middle of my work meetings saying 'your dad is asking for you'."
"I've been so exhausted from just raising kids, dealing with issues with my husband, work, cleaning house, potty training, etc... I saw the text and called her and said 'why did you send the text?'."
"She said 'I'm just letting you know your dad is asking for you'. I responded 'has anything changed? Is anything happening?' She said 'nothing changed since yesterday' when I last saw them."
"Is this practical, or normal ? I'm extremely overwhelmed and this is just added stress coming off as manipulation to me."
"I've been FaceTiming my folks several times a day, even before the hospitalization—we FaceTime them as we get the kids ready for daycare so they can see them. I FaceTime them usually during my work hours once to see how they're getting along."
"And then when my kids come home, and if my kids request to talk to their grandparents, they can FaceTime them as much as they want… sometimes my eldest wants to show his grandparents his toys or what cool thing he learned. My youngest FaceTimes them to ask them to sing to him Ms Rachel songs."
"I visit 2-3x a week. They get 3-4 FaceTime calls a day, most of the time around the clock to see the kids when they wake up and before bed. Today I started a new job so I wasn't able to do it, and that's why my mom sent the text as if I forgot them."
"I offered my parents to move in, so this way they wouldn't feel alone, they could be part of my kids daily lives and enjoy them, etc... I said we don't have a lot of space, but we could make it work."
"They got upset and said that I was trying to take their independence. I told them it's the only way I can see them consistently and have time to do the tasks they need from me."
"I wouldn't want to move in with my kids either—especially after being independent for so long, but after living this with my parents, I have my own opinions now on how I want to approach aging."
"My father just called me in the middle of writing this and asked me why I'm not at the hospital and I responded, in the middle of playing with my kids, 'if you wanted me to be by your side all the time, why did you all expect grandkids from me? Did you think that my job was just to give birth to them and abandon them once you needed me?'."
"I feel horrible I said this. My mom made a comment I can find a babysitter and that she always sees advertisements for babysitters. I told her that 'I can't afford daycare and a babysitter everyday to come see you. Then my kids will see me less than 4 hours a day'."
"I hate to add on this part, but—my dad has literally had everything. Heart surgery, intestinal surgery, cancer, a stroke, etc... His health is declining rapidly."
"But he will be in the hospital for weeks. Not only can I not afford childcare to cover me for weeks—I don't want to."
"I want to spend time with my kids, especially knowing that … he's always in the hospital, and my kids are too young in my opinion not to have me for a set amount of hours a day."
"My mom told me I'm the a-hole for and that I should respect a dying man's wishes—but he's been having a dying man's wishes for 15 years now."
"AITA for asking my parents to stop asking me when I'm going to visit?"
The OP later added.
"There's not a time where I didn't anticipate my parents death. I can't remember when I realized my parents were older, but even from early on people would make comments like 'oh are you on a grocery trip with grandpa/grandma?' I think sometime in middle school it really solidified for me."
"I have a lot of resentment for them having me late in life, especially my dad at the age he did as a second shot since his first marriage ended in divorce and my older half-sister despised him for it."
"I'm not saying just because it didn't work out, then he shouldn't remarry. But trying that in your 30's and 40's to have kids is reasonable. Trying again to start a whole new family in mid 50's, and choosing to retire a few years later when you can't afford to and your young kids still need you is selfish."
"I know many people do it and maybe they have the financial means so that it offsets other stress, especially with getting help (nannies). It wasn't the case for us."
"I was 10 years old if I remember correctly, helping my dad doing PT after his latest surgery. Not because he was born with a certain condition, where this was just how it was, but because he chose to have young kids when he didn't have the time, the health, or the finances."
"Forgive me I know this sounds like it's coming from a dark place, but it's impacted me on so many levels. It even messed with my ability to choose friends, lovers, etc. I spent years trying to learn what a boundary was."
"My half sister through my dad died a few years back, but went through periods of no contact and low contact. She had health issues (genetic from her mother's side). My younger sibling is around, but he's also working. He does stop by nearly every day."
"He's the youngest and my only remaining sibling. They have always tried not to pull him in like they do with me, as they say he's 'different' and can't handle stress well."
"I can see that my response to my mom was rude, I was just so stressed and honestly my mom doesn't also understand a kind answer, unfortunately. I hate to say it that way—she has in the past purposely hurt herself for attention before."
"She has a problem just asking for 'hey do you think we can just spend some time together?' It will always be 'did you forget you had a mother?' It has made me very bitter toward her when it comes to these types of situations, and while I know I should be better, I go through periods of no contact with her for some mental peace."
"My husband watches the kids so I can go 2-3x a week. It's hard during the week. I mean, we are going through problems and have been for some time."
"He will watch the kids when I need to go, but they give him a hard time, crying or screaming for me the whole time. So it's literally me running to put out one fire and running back to put out another."
"The hospitals not far, but my kids are in daycare—at $3k per month—where they're always sick, and I'm working on potty training my eldest as well as working through some of his high energy phase to help make the toddler phase easy on him and us."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. I get they want you to be there, but as you said, it's been 15 yrs. And if his condition hasn't changed, then it's a bit much to offer no help with childcare, but expect you to leave your job and your kids every minute." ~ Humble-Macaron7768
"If FaceTime was enough for my 102-year-old nan, it's enough for Dad. Stop running to the hospital. Cut back to once a week. NTA." ~ dreadedbugqueen
"NTA—you're an adult with a family of your own. There's absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing them, and your parents should not expect daily visits in this situation."
"If there are times you can visit, it's fine to tell them, 'I can visit once or twice per week and that's it. My kids need me'." ~ wesmorgan1
"I'm in my late 40s and my wife wanted to have another kid, now that all of ours have moved out. I was completely against it, as we're way too old to have a kid. When they're completing high school, we would be retired."
"Having kids that late in life is very selfish as you are bound to either be unable to keep up physically or possibly dying or in the process of it."
"Even if I was dying and in the hospital I wouldn't expect my grown kids to come dote on me and act like I was their world. They have their own lives and if I was stupid enough to tell them to get babysitters, I would be throwing money at them to enable it."
"I know from my own parents it's hard to constantly visit them when they're sick and the older they get the more they get sick, so you have to stop dropping everything every time something happens, as it's constantly happening. NTA." ~ SteveJobsPen
"NTA. Set specific days, once or twice a week where you will visit him for a short while. To ask you to come every day when you have small children is too much. Pick times when your husband is around to watch the children."
"When they call on other days, remind them that you will be visiting on Wednesday evenings and Sunday afternoons, for example. And then follow through. Your children need to come first, absolutely, and your parents should understand that." ~ T_G_A_H
Most Redditors felt OP was doing too much already—the exact opposite of not enough—to cater to her parents. It's necessary to focus on her own children who need her instead of the parents receiving medical care who just want a visit.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp