Mom Sets Off Husband By Excluding Him From Memento Scrapbooks For Their Young Daughters

Parents usually want to leave something behind for their children.

For some parents that means an inheritance of money or property. For others it's memories and mementos.

A mother who wants to leave the latter for her daughters turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

Important_Shape7353 asked:

"AITA for making keepsake books for my daughters that don't include my husband?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"So, I (31, female) have been making books for my daughters (6 & 2) since my first was born. Every year on their birthdays, I write them a letter talking about them and how much I love them and I have been pasting them in a book next to a picture of me and them for each year."

"I plan on gifting these books to them when they turn 16. My thinking was that we don't tell the people we love how much we love them and I never want my daughters to question my love."

"You also never know how life is going to pan out and this way they will always have a personal memento of my own words in case anything were to happen to me."

"Now, my husband (33) has always known about this. I was never keeping it from him."

"I would write the notes on my phone and then when I got the time would write them out to put in the book. He would even go through my phone and take snippets of what I wrote from my notes and post it to his Instagram."

"The problem arose when my oldest daughter had just turned 4 and he came across me actually putting a letter in the book. He looked at the book and the pictures of me and her and said 'what about me?'."

"He was angry that I hadn't included him and insisted that I either go back and change all the letters to say 'we' instead of 'I' and print new pictures that have him in them or stop making the book."

"I haven't stopped making these books because I think they will be important for my girls to have. I've just put them at the back of a cupboard hoping he won't find them."

"I feel like they are about my relationship with my daughters and I'm a little sad that my husband doesn't see the value in that. But I feel uncomfortable that they are now a secret from him."

"I guess I need some outsider opinions."

"AITA or is my husband being unreasonable here?"

The OP later added:

"To be clear, because it seems some people have misinterpreted, these books are not full of photos documenting my children's lives."

"Just one page per year with a letter from me and one photo of me with said child."

The OP summed up their situation.

"I am counting to make this book even though my husband asked me not too. Does that make me the arsehole?"

"And was I the arsehole in the first place for making the book without including him in it?"

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

"I am in the NTA camp. I don't think that two parents have to always be lumped into everything together. It's okay for children to bond with one individual parent without the other one sometimes."

"The same way it's important for parents to have one-on-one time with each child in multi-children households. I see no issue with a gift being from 'just you' or 'just your husband'."

"I also take issue with any parent of any gender who just 'expects' that the other parent will do everything for them. You have been investing in this 16 year project since they were born... something that will be beautiful and sentimental and requires time and commitment."

"It's not like you started it in secret, either. At any rate, to me the fact that your husband wants to 'get in on it' despite never having even seen it, never offered to help even choose a photo or thought to write a letter would send me into a rage."

"That's some real 'sign my name on the card'—of a gift they have no idea what is even in the box—energy and it's not okay."

"There is nothing stopping your husband from creating his own sentimental gift."

"I didn't read this as you trying to intentionally exclude him, as much as you just wanted a book of photos and letters of you and your children and honestly I see nothing wrong with that. It's an amazing gift." ~ fallingfaster345

"Exactly! He knew about this project and never asked to add anything to it or help, he just wants her to change all the wording to 'we' when he didn't contribute at all." ~ Unhappy-Prune-9914

"And their daughters will know. We all know when dad has no clue what was gifted for our birthdays, when his handwriting never appears on a card, etc... And that cheapens the whole thing and defeats the point."

"Scrapbooks of letters might not be for dad, but he can find his own way to show his daughters he cares and that'll mean so much more than the fake 'we'." ~ ausernamebyany_other

"I still contend that my father is illiterate because my birthday cards went from having my mother's writing, to his girlfriend's writing, to his mother's writing." ~ HavePlushieWillTalk

"My grandfather was illiterate, but after my grandmother died he learned to write 'love from Grandad' so he could still give me birthday cards."

"It baffles me that there are men out there who don't write/sign birthday cards for their children, grandchildren or partners." ~ Ermithecow

"I would tell him you would love to include a letter written by him and a picture of him and the daughter each year. DO NOT take on the emotional work of his relationship with your daughters."

"Women have been sucked into the maintaining relationships role and it never works. You cannot maintain a relationship for two other people—it is between them." ~ unimaginative_person

"Don't do the work for him. Get him to organise his own letters and photos to be included, but don't remind him."

"You're his partner, not his mother. NTA, OP. What a beautiful gift you are creating for your girls." ~ Ditzykat105

"NTA. Yeah, it isn't your job to manage, coordinate, schedule, prompt, or organize his relationship with y'all's children. He is their father and presumably a grown-up who is capable of facilitating relationships with people he cares about."

"Bonding, nurturing and building a connection between a parent and a child is dependent on the parent doing stuff themselves to build that connection."

"It is like doing someone's homework for them—you can, but you shouldn't. Helping or making a suggestion is totally different than doing the entire assignment for them."

"Basically, he wants you to do his homework."

"Seriously, a kid doesn't want to hear their mom say 'your dad loves you'—they want their dad to actually say the 'I love you'." ~ throwawtphone

"Exactly, he's even taking bits of what she wrote to post online as if he's writing it. He wants the credit, but doesn't want to put in the effort."

"I'd have been willing to give a little benefit of the doubt on that bit if he was asking to add his own letters or contributions, but he doesn't."

"OP, make sure you scan in and make digital versions of the books for safe keeping. If you feel you have to hide them, you should listen to that instinct and have backups." ~ shangri-laschild

"NTA. Tell your husband the next time he asks, 'What about me?' that he can do his own just as easily as you as they are a diary of your feelings towards them. And his would be just as great as well."

"I think it is great what you are doing for your children. Keep up the good work, your children will cherish them no doubt later in life." ~ PumpkinPowerful3292

"NTA. OMG, what a blatant example of a man believing that he is entitled to have the emotional work of a family be done by his wife but credited to him. Sadly, while appalling, it is not a surprise." ~ WantToBelieveInMagic

"Can't he write his own letters?"

"Does he also make you choose, research buy and wrap all gifts and just write the card to include him too?"

"Love is more than a feeling. You can't outsource expressing your love."

"I don't want to be harsh, because historically men in western cultures have outsourced their expressions of love to their wives. I know that my own dad (in his 90s now) has told me he loves me a total of once in my life."

"It's what a lot of men learned. But with compassion for the origin of this learned behaviour—you have to say 'NO, you cannot out source your expressions of love'."

"You can approach this with compassion by including photos that show him in a loving or fun moment with his babies, and you can offer to include any letters from him. NTA." ~ HappySummerBreeze

"NTA. He was aware of it, he liked your work enough to post pieces of it on social media for the accolades it would get him."

"And now he wants to act all hurt that he never put in the time and effort to actually contribute to this project and wants you to either stop doing something to show your daughters you love them or go back and retroactively add him in to something he had absolutely nothing to do with so he gets to take credit for something he didn't do?"

"Nah, f*ck that. He can come up with his own idea or start making his own letters."

"I'll even give him a free idea: your six-year-old probably graduated kindergarten this past spring right? Have him write a letter about that and continue writing a letter every year when they finish each year of school and he can give them as a graduation present."

"It's different from yours, but still meaningful, and he can be responsible for doing all the work himself instead of getting angry." ~ SheepPup

Changing the books isn't a good long-term solution. Instead, an honest discussion with OP's husband about why his request is unacceptable would be better.