Parents usually want to leave something behind for their children.
For some parents that means an inheritance of money or property. For others it's memories and mementos.
A mother who wants to leave the latter for her daughters turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Important_Shape7353 asked:
"AITA for making keepsake books for my daughters that don't include my husband?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So, I (31, female) have been making books for my daughters (6 & 2) since my first was born. Every year on their birthdays, I write them a letter talking about them and how much I love them and I have been pasting them in a book next to a picture of me and them for each year."
"I plan on gifting these books to them when they turn 16. My thinking was that we don't tell the people we love how much we love them and I never want my daughters to question my love."
"You also never know how life is going to pan out and this way they will always have a personal memento of my own words in case anything were to happen to me."
"Now, my husband (33) has always known about this. I was never keeping it from him."
"I would write the notes on my phone and then when I got the time would write them out to put in the book. He would even go through my phone and take snippets of what I wrote from my notes and post it to his Instagram."
"The problem arose when my oldest daughter had just turned 4 and he came across me actually putting a letter in the book. He looked at the book and the pictures of me and her and said 'what about me?'."
"He was angry that I hadn't included him and insisted that I either go back and change all the letters to say 'we' instead of 'I' and print new pictures that have him in them or stop making the book."
"I haven't stopped making these books because I think they will be important for my girls to have. I've just put them at the back of a cupboard hoping he won't find them."
"I feel like they are about my relationship with my daughters and I'm a little sad that my husband doesn't see the value in that. But I feel uncomfortable that they are now a secret from him."
"I guess I need some outsider opinions."
"AITA or is my husband being unreasonable here?"
The OP later added:
"To be clear, because it seems some people have misinterpreted, these books are not full of photos documenting my children's lives."
"Just one page per year with a letter from me and one photo of me with said child."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I am counting to make this book even though my husband asked me not too. Does that make me the arsehole?"
"And was I the arsehole in the first place for making the book without including him in it?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I am in the NTA camp. I don't think that two parents have to always be lumped into everything together. It's okay for children to bond with one individual parent without the other one sometimes."
"The same way it's important for parents to have one-on-one time with each child in multi-children households. I see no issue with a gift being from 'just you' or 'just your husband'."
"I also take issue with any parent of any gender who just 'expects' that the other parent will do everything for them. You have been investing in this 16 year project since they were born... something that will be beautiful and sentimental and requires time and commitment."
"It's not like you started it in secret, either. At any rate, to me the fact that your husband wants to 'get in on it' despite never having even seen it, never offered to help even choose a photo or thought to write a letter would send me into a rage."
"That's some real 'sign my name on the card'—of a gift they have no idea what is even in the box—energy and it's not okay."
"There is nothing stopping your husband from creating his own sentimental gift."
"I didn't read this as you trying to intentionally exclude him, as much as you just wanted a book of photos and letters of you and your children and honestly I see nothing wrong with that. It's an amazing gift." ~ fallingfaster345
"Exactly! He knew about this project and never asked to add anything to it or help, he just wants her to change all the wording to 'we' when he didn't contribute at all." ~ Unhappy-Prune-9914
"And their daughters will know. We all know when dad has no clue what was gifted for our birthdays, when his handwriting never appears on a card, etc... And that cheapens the whole thing and defeats the point."
"Scrapbooks of letters might not be for dad, but he can find his own way to show his daughters he cares and that'll mean so much more than the fake 'we'." ~ ausernamebyany_other
"I still contend that my father is illiterate because my birthday cards went from having my mother's writing, to his girlfriend's writing, to his mother's writing." ~ HavePlushieWillTalk
"My grandfather was illiterate, but after my grandmother died he learned to write 'love from Grandad' so he could still give me birthday cards."
"It baffles me that there are men out there who don't write/sign birthday cards for their children, grandchildren or partners." ~ Ermithecow
"I would tell him you would love to include a letter written by him and a picture of him and the daughter each year. DO NOT take on the emotional work of his relationship with your daughters."
"Women have been sucked into the maintaining relationships role and it never works. You cannot maintain a relationship for two other people—it is between them." ~ unimaginative_person
"Don't do the work for him. Get him to organise his own letters and photos to be included, but don't remind him."
"You're his partner, not his mother. NTA, OP. What a beautiful gift you are creating for your girls." ~ Ditzykat105
"NTA. Yeah, it isn't your job to manage, coordinate, schedule, prompt, or organize his relationship with y'all's children. He is their father and presumably a grown-up who is capable of facilitating relationships with people he cares about."
"Bonding, nurturing and building a connection between a parent and a child is dependent on the parent doing stuff themselves to build that connection."
"It is like doing someone's homework for them—you can, but you shouldn't. Helping or making a suggestion is totally different than doing the entire assignment for them."
"Basically, he wants you to do his homework."
"Seriously, a kid doesn't want to hear their mom say 'your dad loves you'—they want their dad to actually say the 'I love you'." ~ throwawtphone
"Exactly, he's even taking bits of what she wrote to post online as if he's writing it. He wants the credit, but doesn't want to put in the effort."
"I'd have been willing to give a little benefit of the doubt on that bit if he was asking to add his own letters or contributions, but he doesn't."
"OP, make sure you scan in and make digital versions of the books for safe keeping. If you feel you have to hide them, you should listen to that instinct and have backups." ~ shangri-laschild
"NTA. Tell your husband the next time he asks, 'What about me?' that he can do his own just as easily as you as they are a diary of your feelings towards them. And his would be just as great as well."
"I think it is great what you are doing for your children. Keep up the good work, your children will cherish them no doubt later in life." ~ PumpkinPowerful3292
"NTA. OMG, what a blatant example of a man believing that he is entitled to have the emotional work of a family be done by his wife but credited to him. Sadly, while appalling, it is not a surprise." ~ WantToBelieveInMagic
"Can't he write his own letters?"
"Does he also make you choose, research buy and wrap all gifts and just write the card to include him too?"
"Love is more than a feeling. You can't outsource expressing your love."
"I don't want to be harsh, because historically men in western cultures have outsourced their expressions of love to their wives. I know that my own dad (in his 90s now) has told me he loves me a total of once in my life."
"It's what a lot of men learned. But with compassion for the origin of this learned behaviour—you have to say 'NO, you cannot out source your expressions of love'."
"You can approach this with compassion by including photos that show him in a loving or fun moment with his babies, and you can offer to include any letters from him. NTA." ~ HappySummerBreeze
"NTA. He was aware of it, he liked your work enough to post pieces of it on social media for the accolades it would get him."
"And now he wants to act all hurt that he never put in the time and effort to actually contribute to this project and wants you to either stop doing something to show your daughters you love them or go back and retroactively add him in to something he had absolutely nothing to do with so he gets to take credit for something he didn't do?"
"Nah, f*ck that. He can come up with his own idea or start making his own letters."
"I'll even give him a free idea: your six-year-old probably graduated kindergarten this past spring right? Have him write a letter about that and continue writing a letter every year when they finish each year of school and he can give them as a graduation present."
"It's different from yours, but still meaningful, and he can be responsible for doing all the work himself instead of getting angry." ~ SheepPup
Changing the books isn't a good long-term solution. Instead, an honest discussion with OP's husband about why his request is unacceptable would be better.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp