Preparing to have a baby is a fun and scary time, full of important decisions.
One of the most divisive decisions can be choosing the baby's name, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor ExcitementHuge1491 was flabbergasted by how badly his future wife wanted to name their first child after an old friend she'd had.
But knowing what the history behind the name would be, the Original Poster (OP) was deadset against it.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for not budging in terms of a certain name for my son?"
The OP's fiancé was adamant about their future baby's name.
"I am 26 and I am engaged. My fiancé is also pregnant. She's due in October. We are having a boy."
"She really really wants to name our son a certain name. For sake of the story, let's say it's 'Bob.' My fiancé is dead set on naming our son Bob."
"Now Bob is a very important name to her. A very good friend of hers name is Bob. Bob passed away tragically and she wants to name our son after Bob to honor him."
"So before my girlfriend and I knew each other, I actually knew Bob. He was a pr**k. I never liked him."
"This was also when we were in our late teens, so it's fair to assume he's changed and that's when he was friends with my girlfriend."
But the OP didn't like what the story behind his child's name would be.
"I bet you're reading this wondering why I'm so against 'honoring' Bob by naming our son after him."
"Well... the amazing and inspirational Bob... the saint that he was... actually died of a heroin overdose. Now call me insensitive, but I don't really want to name my son after a guy who died from heroin. Much less a guy who I remember not liking very much, who then died from heroin."
"My fiance is very upset and thinks I am being a huge a**hole."
"But I'm sorry! When our son asks why he's named Bob, his mom will explain he was named after a really special, really great person."
"When he asks what happened to Bob, or why he's never met Bob, then what? We say, 'Oh yeah, he gallantly and triumphantly… did too much heroin and died'? Like f**king come on."
The OP was at a loss.
"I don't think I'm being crazy at all, but my fiancé is acting like I'm a member of SCOTUS or something."
"I think my request is rational, there are many great men on her side of the family we can honor if she wants."
"But why Bob?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said both parents need to agree on something as important as the name of their child.
"NTA. Whether Bob was a great man or the anti-christ really doesn't matter. You both have to agree on a name together."
"She should let it go and find something you both like together. It's not your child's job to carry the weight of Bob's memory, your girlfriend is being super unfair to this kid who isn't even born yet, giving him the job of carrying a light for a man he will never know."
"Meanwhile, you'll be reminded of a dude you didn't like for the rest of your life." - VixNeko
"My dad vetoed a name my mom likes because it was the name of an ex. My mom vetoed a name my dad liked because she knew he would make a nickname out of it that she hated."
"Vetos can be way pettier than this one and they're still valid." - just_a_person_maybe
"NTA. Even without the cause of death, you shouldn't have to live with your son being named in honor of someone you disliked." - uninitiatedastronaut
"NTA. OP, ask your partner if you can name your future daughter after an ex-girlfriend. If she would enjoy you telling your daughter that you named her after a beautiful and inspiring woman you used to date. If your partner would enjoy saying a name she dislikes over and over again, a name she connects with your ex."
"Then ask her why it's fair for you to name your son after someone you considered an unkind person. Why you should have to hate your own child's name." - crystallz2000
"My father had a genuine interest in certain names for potential sons (an interest my mom didn't have) so they came to an agreement that Dad would name the boys, Mom the girls, though they did discuss the names beforehand."
"My dad's main motivation was he was named after his eventual adoptive father (grandma met Papa with no hair when she was pregnant and married him after dad was born and he adopted him) and he often hated feeling like he didn't have his own identity."
"OP, seriously, it's two yeses and a no for a reason. Stand firm. NTA." - Childhood-trauma-87
Others even wondered if there was a deeper reason for the fiancé's name preference.
"Am I the only one who thinks it's totally bizarre to name a kid for someone they have no connection to? Bob was a friend, not an uncle or a cousin or anything."
"Like, imagine finding out you were named for a guy you have no ties to, your father hates, and died of a heroin overdose."
"My biggest question is why is OP's wife so attached to this guy?"
"To be so attached to this guy that she insists on naming her son after him? Maybe I'm reading too much into it but that doesn't seem like a simple friendship." - Flaky-Tip
"Looks like the wife had a huge crush on him." - Delicious_Throat_377
"It sounds like your fiancée is perhaps still somewhat grieving her friend's death and is pregnant, which makes everything feel so much stronger."
"I cried over stuff I literally knew I didn't care about when pregnant because I just imagined someone else would feel bad about them and then felt sad it was sad for them. Hormones can be rough."
"So don't accept the name, but approach her with empathy. Maybe tell her that you'd like to hear about the Bob she knew, and why this is so important to her. Empathize without judgment."
"(You don't have to agree Bob was the best either, just care about and validate her feelings/experiences, like 'He really helped you out,' or 'It was such a shock to lose a friend so young,' or whatever she was feeling.)"
"Try not to argue with her or tell her you don't want the baby named Bob and let her do most of the talking."
"Then, once that's all done, tell her that you respect that [whatever you've learned about her feelings]. However, you're not comfortable naming your child after Bob. Sadly, you never got to know the Bob she did, and the younger Bob you knew was unkind to you and [whatever problem you had with him]."
"Unfortunately, while you understand when she thinks of Bob she [feels whatever], when you think of Bob, you always think of someone treating others rudely/unkindly/whatever."
"If you name your child after Bob, you're always going to think of those things when you say your kid's name, and that's going to make you feel negatively. You don't want to think about teenage bully behavior every time you hold and coo at your baby. (Or whatever it is you feel.)" - TheHatOnTheCat
The one matter the subReddit took issue with was the OP's way of discussing addiction.
"You have the right to veto any name, so technically NTA, but you're being an a**hole about people who die of overdoses. Some really really incredible people have died due to addiction, including heroin ODs."
"And if you couldn't explain heroin overdose to your kid in a compassionate way, if you couldn't imagine any way to discuss that a person died tragically because apparently, they need to die triumphantly to have value, then that would be a failure of your morals, creative thinking, and parenting."
"It wouldn't be because it's so impossible to explain such a thing to a kid. It would be you personally don't have the capacity to do it, and would rather mock and avoid a subject than put in the emotional work to have the capacity to be a good parent who can explain difficult topics to your kid."
"He mattered to your wife, and you can of course veto the name, but please be a decent partner and try to expand your understanding of this topic."
"And in general think about how to explain to your future kid how to see and value the humanity of people who are dehumanized by society, before the conversations ever happen. If you don't know how to explain that because you don't know how to do it yourself, that's something to work on." - roadsidechicory
"No, not the a**hole, you should have a say in your son's name. But your attitude toward 'someone who died from heroin' is kinda s**tty."
"My best friend overdosed and died that way at 19. I'd love to be able to honor his memory like that. Sound very judgemental, to be honest... kind of a pr**k." - Such-Cranberry-4479
"OP's stance on the death really made me lose baseline respect for him. People who die from an overdose are victims, not perpetrators. Victims of the system, the drug ecosystem, and their addiction. Dying from an overdose is succumbing to a legitimate illness."
"For the name, no is a complete sentence. You don't really need a reason, but if you give a reason, it better be a good one. And 'he did drugs' is not a good reason. Far from it." - Cr4ckshooter
"Having a substance use disorder doesn't mean somebody is worthless. It doesn't invalidate the good things about them."
"I mean, look at Tom Petty. Amazing singer, who seemed like a fairly decent human, overdosed on pain meds because he was touring on a broken hip and didn't know it. The OD at the end doesn't erase everything amazing that he put into the world."
"So, I'm not exactly sold either way on the name thing, but OP, YTA for being judgemental about overdoses and people experience substance use disorder." - CaptainBasketQueso
"I would leave the whole substance abuse thing out of this when you push back on the name, it comes across as cruel and just a low blow."
"Someone dying of an OD doesn't make them a bad person. This really shouldn't have anything to do with it."
"That being said, you not liking the name is enough of a valid reason why you should name your child Bob." - NoSpare7516
While the subReddit took issue with how the OP spoke of Bob and his death, they could understand him not wanting to select the name for other reasons.
Plus, naming a baby is one of those decisions that both parents have to adamantly agree on before moving forward, it's not something that can be taken lightly or, worse, begrudgingly.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp