If we're being honest, we all have preferences for the food we eat, and we might even be nervous about trying something new from time to time. Being an adult doesn't necessarily change that.
But one woman was surprised to discover that some people are so adamantly against trying new foods, they'll skip out on an event just to avoid it, according to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
When Redditor OatmealCookieGirl found out some of her family was reluctant to attend her wedding because of her menu, she decided not to push them outside of their comfort zones.
But when they later regretted not attending, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should have tried harder to convince them.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not pressuring a guest to come to my vegan wedding?"
The OP and her husband wanted their family to be comfortable at their wedding.
"In June 2019, my husband and I had our outdoor wedding."
"We live north of my country, his family is south, quite a few hours away."
"To help, we said that their presence was a wedding gift enough, we paid for entertainers to look after the children all day in a safe, separate area, and we booked all the venue's rooms at our expense so they would have a place to sleep."
The OP drew the line at having a vegan menu, however.
"The issue is, I have been vegan for over a decade and I was adamant I would have no animal products at our wedding."
"I planned our day to be a celebration of life, so even all the flowers were 'live,' i.e. not cut, and are now growing in my mum's garden."
"My vegetarian husband agreed wholeheartedly."
One of the OP's family members didn't like these plans.
"One of my husband's close family members, although he doesn't like her very much, refused to come because the menu was entirely vegan."
"I didn't push the matter, because I was not going to pay for her to eat meat (and no, she has no medical conditions)."
"Due to her not coming, her husband and other family members of her nucleus didn't come."
The wedding went extremely well.
"The day of the wedding was wonderful, the food was fantastic and a lot of his family was amazed at how delicious everything was, much to my immense delight."
"My MIL (mother-in-law) was obsessed with some dishes and the head chef was kind enough to send the recipes requested."
"A great time was had by all, and through the grapevine, my husband heard the family raved about it for months."
"(I should note a lot of his family has issues with dairy, so being able to eat EVERYTHING made them very happy.)"
"Then the pandemic hit and family weddings with massive gatherings stopped."
"This summer we went down to see his family, and the topic of get-togethers came up."
"Cousins started talking about our wedding, reminiscing how everything was so quietly elegant, and then started raving about the food again."
The family member who didn't attend regretted it.
"The family member who didn't come became very huffy because she feels 'left out.'"
"Apparently, she hadn't realized the food was going to be so good or the event so nice, and she resents that everyone had this great event that she missed."
"Had I insisted more, and had I emphasized how amazing the food was going to be, she might have come, while now there are no such big family events taking place anymore."
"Basically, I deprived her of a cherished family memory because I didn't make the vegan wedding sound appealing or appetizing enough."
The OP had mixed feelings about this.
"I didn't say anything at the time, because had I insisted, I would have just been labeled as the 'pushy vegan.'"
"Also, honestly, I think that if eating meat at every meal is more important than being there for my husband, then we were better off without her..."
"However now, every time our or other people's weddings are mentioned, she makes a face and rolls her eyes a bit at me."
"Perhaps I really should have pushed more for her presence?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the family member should be accountable for her decisions.
"Totally. And I'm vegan so this kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME and it's totally fine. I wouldn't refuse to go to a wedding because there wouldn't be anything I could eat, I'd just plan ahead."
"So it's just kind of hard to feel sympathy for people throwing a fit in the very rare, opposite situation where all the food is vegan. OP's relative was being an entitled jerk and now wants to deflect the blame on OP for their behavior. F**k that." - wlwimagination
"Growing up where I'm from, it was standard to be served 'cold plates' at weddings and similar events - literally a styrofoam plate containing a couple of slices of pre-cooked turkey, a roll of deli ham, some potato and macaroni salads, and a bread roll."
"I don't know if anyone particularly loved them, but it was really just something to snack at before the speeches and while chatting with the others at the table. I still consider being served any kind of hot meal at a wedding to be 'fancy' and certainly would never consider complaining about what exactly was on the menu."
"And to not attend because of it?! Unreal entitlement. NTA, OP isn't running a restaurant, they don't have to 'sell' the menu to anyone." - thesobersmidgen
"NTA, she missed out and wants you to be the bad guy rather than accept she was an adult who decided for herself, and she didn't even consider that vegan food could be good."
"You didn't push her because she was an adult who decided she didn't want to eat your food, and you're an adult who can accept that different people are different and not stomp your feet when someone isn't into what you're into."
"Other people had a good time, and she can't allow that to pass without her input for some f**king reason. Ignore her." - queeftheunicorn
"NTA. Nothing you did was going to change her mind. Nothing you did was going to be enough or acceptable. You were in a no-win situation."
"She just wants to blame someone other than herself. I'm not vegan, but I eat a lot of vegan foods because they can be d**n tasty."
"I feed them to a lot of people under the guise of them being vegetarian. Not sure why but people accept vegetarian more than vegan. There often isn't much difference."
"I'm not vegetarian either, I'm just mostly plant-based, flextarian if you will."
"But you won't win this argument. She will never admit to being at fault because she has decided that vegan is bad, and therefore you are to blame." - DazzlingTurnover
Others said it was easy to plan ahead when attending an event with food.
"It's not like this ridiculous cousin was going to be trapped there for all eternity, forced to only eat lettuce for the rest of her life. She could have swung through a drive-thru before and/or after if needed." - Reasonable_Tax2446
"If I am invited to a wedding and get a heads up that I might not like what is served I plan ahead and make sure to have a big lunch before arriving, I toss a granola bar or two in my purse that I can sneak away to eat discreetly mid-event, and I plan on hitting up a drive-thru afterward."
"Actually, even if I know the food is going to be awesome, I bring a granola bar and hit the drive-thru afterward. I don't go to weddings to have gourmet meals. I go to celebrate people I care about taking a big step in their lives." - NotMe739
"NTA. I have a ton of food allergies and as such cannot eat vegan. Plant-based foods cause me anaphylactic reactions. I would have packed my own little meal and eaten that or skipped food altogether if it was so important."
"They could have accommodated themselves food-wise and chose not to." - Lady-Athena1987
Though she clearly cared about how her family members felt, the subReddit didn't think the bride had anything to worry about in how she handled the invitation situation.
The family member who felt left out chose not to attend, and since she was an adult, she really needed to hold herself accountable for her feelings of missing out.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.