Blending families isn’t always easy.
When relationships end and kids are involved it takes a lot of planning on how to navigate the next romance.
Not everybody is cool with a new love interest being immersed in their kid’s life.
And then sometimes partners aren’t giving all the facts about exes.
This is how unnecessary drama begins.
Redditor Noneyerbusin-761 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for expecting to be included in boyfriend’s daughter’s birthday trip?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My B[oy]Friend] and I have been together for 2 years.”
‘We live together.”
“We both have kids.”
“I have mine 24/7.”
“He has his daughter every other weekend.”
“Sometimes his daughter stays with me for all her school breaks while her dad works.”
“When we got together we agreed that we would treat each other’s kids as our own.”
“I try to be involved as much as I can but I try not to overstep as he co-parents with his ex.”
“I haven’t met his ex yet.”
“I haven’t asked to meet her and neither has she.”
“At this point in our relationship, I assume that I’m his family.”
“Yet he keeps me separate from his daughter when it comes to sports, birthday parties, etc.”
“He never invites me, only says ‘I have this going on for my daughter’ and is on his way.”
“I’ve always respected it, never questioned it, and remained in the background.”
“3 months ago he mentioned he would work O[ver]T[ime] or a 2nd job to save up for Disney for his daughter’s birthday.”
“He never invited he only mentioned it.”
“I assumed eventually he’d tell me more and invite me but he didn’t and I never brought it up.”
“A few weeks later we had a BBQ with friends at our house.”
“1 of our friends overheard he had a Disney trip planned for his daughter’s birthday without me.”
“She told him he should take me and give me my place as his future wife in his family.”
“I joked and said ‘he didn’t invite me because his ex doesn’t want me there’ and he avoided the comment.”
“All he said was ‘It’s going to be my ex’s 1st time going to Disney. She’s never been there.'”
“I let it be and moved on from it.”
“2 months later, he brought it up again.”
“I asked questions like who’s all going, etc.”
“He said my daughter, both my parents and my ex is going.”
“I said ok.”
“He brought it up again, and this time he mentioned a friend of his ex was going, and that made me feel some way but I let it be out of respect for his daughter.”
“He talked about it again today, said he wants to go fish out there, and plans to stay longer with his dad.”
“His mom, daughter, his ex, and ex’s friend will return sooner.”
“I then said, ‘Oh more people going?'”
“He said yes and that his ex’s sister and BF will be meeting them up there.”
“I couldn’t stay quiet any longer and asked him why I wasn’t invited.”
“Since there seems to be a lot of more people going?”
“And he told me he asked his ex if I could go, and she said no.”
“I asked why did she say no, and he said she just said no and she doesn’t want to meet you.”
“It hurt my feelings, and I told him it’s very messed up for him to exclude me if he wanted me to be there, that his ex should suck it up, and that if he really wanted me there, he should have stood up to her and let her know what he wanted.”
“I understand it’s his daughter’s birthday trip, and it’s about her, but I just felt excluded from something important in his life that I wanted to be a part of.”
“I guess I was wrong to assume of being included, and now he is mad at me because I made it a big deal, and he says he won’t go.”
“He should still go.”
“All I wanted was to know why he didn’t invite me.”
“Now I feel horrible and wondering if I crossed the line when voicing my feelings.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Honestly, I wouldn’t even waste my time.”
“Your life is going to be full of you and your kids being excluded, name-called, dismissed, and abused by the kid and her mother if the ex wants to.”
“I think you should let this guy go and find someone better.”
“The ex doesn’t want you around, it won’t take long for her to turn her daughter against you.”
“Which will turn your BF against you so he can have his kid around.”
“Cruel exes and new partners don’t work out. This relationship isn’t going to work out the way you want.”
I say drop him and find someone without kids.” ~ New-Link5725
“NTA. But your BF is.”
“He’s apparently way more involved with his ex than just co-parenting.” ~ dvnmsm
“This is the kind of thing where you stand up for yourself.”
“Why does he elevate the feelings of an ex above his current partner?”
“He does not see you as having a role in his child’s life beyond convenient caregiver.”
“Is this husband material?”
“Two years isn’t so long that you need to keep the relationship going if you both don’t see it the same way.” ~ HighlyImprobable42
“It’s obvious you usually don’t say anything.”
“You seem like an absolute doormat in your relationship.”
“I can’t believe how far you let this go just assuming you would be invited, then bit your tongue when you realized you aren’t.”
“Can I also ask: why are you only upset on your behalf and not on behalf of your kids?”
“You say ‘I want to go,’ but you aren’t even advocating for your children?”
“You’re NTA in this specific situation, but my take is that your BF is a great dad and a terrible partner, while you’re a submissive partner and underwhelming parent.” ~ mouse_attack
“Girl you the side piece.”
“NTA – I’m just sad for you, OP.” ~ ilovechairs
“Dump him. Immediately.”
“He is not committed to you. You’re just easy for him because you babysit his kid for him.”
“He’s going on an entire extended family trip with his ex.”
“I’m actually embarrassed for you.”
“I’d be humiliated.”
“Especially at how secretive he is while taking $$$ out of your household.”
“Yeah, you watch his daughter so he can work OT to go play happy family with his ex.” ~ slendermanismydad
“This guy hardly sees his daughter — 4 days a month, and even then, during breaks, you’re the one watching her for a significant amount of time.”
“Then he won’t invite you when all these other people on her side get invited.”
“Then he throws a little tantrum and says he won’t go on the trip? Yikes.”
“I think it’s odd that the ex won’t meet you when you sometimes provide childcare — what kind of parent wouldn’t want to scope out who’s watching over their kid.”
“This is messy.” ~ paul_rudds_drag_race
“NTA. Some basic points: 1 you’ve been together two years, and you care for her child during extended breaks alone.”
“2: many other people are going on this trip.”
“Combine those 2 things, and there are red flags.”
“Either you were the cause of their break up, and it’s too painful for Mom.”
“OR BF is screwing her on the side and making it messy.”
“There is a reason she doesn’t want to meet you, and I can’t think of any other reason she wouldn’t want to meet such an integral part of her daughter’s life.”
“If you weren’t the ‘homewrecker’ my money’s on: he’s slept with baby mama a few times since your relationship started. 100%.” ~ Sensitive-Bug-881
“NTA. But honestly, this trip sounds like it’s less about Disney magic and more about him playing peacekeeper with his ex.”
“You’ve been supportive and understanding, but at some point, if you’re living together and helping raise his daughter, it’s not unreasonable to want a real place in the ‘family events.’”
“He might need a reminder that it’s OK for both his past and present to exist… without trying to keep you in a hidden back-row seat.” ~ joeayala213
“NTA. He is keeping you separate like you are the mistress or something.”
“You often care for his child alone, yet you have never met her mom.”
“This is weird.”
“Why does the ex still get to have so much of a say in your partner’s life.”
“Her feelings matter more to him than yours.” ~ Melin_Lavendel_Rosa
“NTA- You are acting like a wife for him, but he isn’t acting like a husband.”
“You should stop.”
“He should be getting what he is giving.”
“You take care of that child, but she doesn’t want to meet you? Nah.”
“That shouldn’t fly. If you stay with him, put a stop to all those wifely duties.” ~ Big_Owl1220
“Something is shady.”
“My gut is telling me he’s telling each of you that you don’t want to meet the other because HE doesn’t you two meeting for some reason.”
“You’re absolutely positive they’re not still sleeping together, right?”
“The vacation on its own sounds iffy as hell.”
“Yeah, it’s for their daughter, but eww. No.”
“Something feels off.” ~ ILovePo1
“NTA. He doesn’t see your place in his life the same way you do.”
“I am a 50/50 co-parent.”
“I do things with just my child (I’m taking her on a Disney cruise for her birthday, just the two of us) but not with my ex and our child.”
“My partner is my family.”
“My ex-husband is my co-parent. He’s my child’s family, not mine.”
“While I will always prioritize my child, I will never prioritize my ex-husband over my current partner.” ~ FairyCompetent
“NTA. He should have been honest with you from the start as to who was going on this trip and why you were being included/excluded.”
“There 100% will be times when they might want an experience with their daughter that doesn’t include you, but that needs to be talked about and discussed.” ~ coastalkid92
“NTA. You’ve been supportive and respectful of his boundaries with his daughter, but it’s understandable to feel hurt when everyone but you is included.”
“It’s not unreasonable to expect a place in big family events, especially since you live together and care for his daughter at times.”
“If he’s serious about blending families, it’s fair to want him to stand up for your role in his life.” ~ cYm3n
“NTA. But honey, he’s shown you he’s not your BF, and he’s doubling down on it now.”
“He is your roommate/F[riends] W[ith] B[benefits], and you are his side piece.”
“Two years in and he takes his ex on family and friend vacations that you’re not allowed on because his ex doesn’t want you.”
“Think about that.”
“His ex (?) has more influence over him, his family, and his friends than you do.”
“You’re absolutely NTA, but you’re doing yourself and your children a huge disservice by staying with somebody who puts you so low on his priority list.”
“You deserve better, and is this the role model you want your children to grow up emulating?”
“Best wishes! UpdateMe.” ~ ThrowRA071312
“NTA – This is just weird.”
“If he expects to have a future with you then he should be behaving this way.”
“He is throwing this relationship with his ex in your face.”
“It seems you are under-reacting.”
“He is gaslighting you into making you feel guilty when you should be a bit more… concerned.” ~ Not_the_maid
“NTA. He’s gaslighting you with I won’t go crap.”
“Time for you to move on.”
“You will always be treated as less in this relationship.”
“You and your children deserve better.” ~ happytimedaily61
OP… it feels like something fishy is going on.
Reddit is concerned for you.
It sounds like requesting a face-to-face with the ex could be a good idea.
See how he reacts to the request.
Don’t let him play you for a fool.
Good luck.