Some might say being asked to be a bridesmaid can be a mixed blessing.
While it often means that the bride considers you to be among her nearest and dearest, and wants you to stand with her on the most important day of her life, it can also come with a number of responsibilities.
Possibly precluding any chance to have fun at the wedding.
These are the reasons that Redditor supposed_golddigger preferred not to be a bridesmaid, and even declining her sister's request to be in her wedding party
Something which did not go over well at all.
Having second thoughts about her decision, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to be a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding?"
The OP explained how the first time she declined being a bridesmaid, the bride in question was understanding, and it turned out not to be an issue in the slightest.
"I (28 F[emale]) come from a big extended family."
"Including me and my sister (23F), there are 24 female cousins and 17 male cousins."
"Half of the cousins are already married."
"When the first one ever asked me to be a bridesmaid I declined."
"When I attend a wedding I want to have fun, eat food and dance."
"In exchange I will get you a gift."
"I do not want to spend my energy, time and money on your big day."
"And when I get married, I will not have a bridal party nor will I expect a bachelorette party."
"Well all of the cousins understood, there were no hard feelings."
"And to be honest, with that many cousins it wasn't even an issue."
But things did not go as smoothly when the OP declined to be her sister's bridesmaid.
"Now my younger sister is getting married."
"She asked me to be a bridesmaid and I declined."
"And I did it very gently."
"I told her sorry, but with working full time, being in the final stages of preparing my thesis and teaching some summer classes; that I would not make a good bridesmaid."
"Also my sister is a total bridezilla."
"The dresses she is looking at for her party are $450, she expects a weekend bachelorette in Vegas with all the bells and whistles."
"And wants everyone to attend dance classes to learn this elaborate dance to 'surprise' her with."
"I do not have the energy for all that ish."
"Now she said I am not invited to her wedding, if I am not willing to put forth the effort to make her day perfect, then I do not deserve to be there."
"Honestly I don't care."
"But my mom and some aunts are calling me an AH."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for declining to be one of her sister's bridesmaids.
Just about everyone bemoaned how being a bridesmaid today also means being forced to plan bachelorette parties, and multiple other duties, which they felt more than justified the OP not wanting to be a bridesmaid, as did the manner in which her sister reacted.
"NTA."
"Just seeing how she reacted to your refusal, you know you made the right choice."
"Save yourself from all the rest of her BS."-redpatoot
"NTA."
"You don't 'deserve' to be there?"
"Jesus, how full of herself can she be?"
"After a comment like that I wouldn't go to that wedding if she paid me."- BeepBlipBlapBloop
"NTA."
"Wedding parties have gotten ridiculous these days."
"We've gone from a bridal shower to a shower and a bachelorette party, to a bachelorette weekend at an expensive destination."
"Not to mention the wedding day with the dress, shoes, hair and makeup."
"If you know that it's more effort than you're willing to put forth, then you'd be an A H if you agreed to be in the wedding party."- DistributionOk4169
"NTA."
"Apart from it being your decision to be a bridesmaid or not, you even gave her a good reason why you wouldn't be a good bridesmaid."
"Probably your mom and other family call you the AH because she's your sibling, but being her sister does not mean that you should be a bridesmaid."
"From what you already told here about the wedding you really dodged a bullet there."-Fun_Onion5582
"NTA."
"She can ask; you can decline."
"Done."- Embarrassed-Sweet905
"Completely NTA."
"I think you have dodged a huge bullet here."- Kaylek82
"NTA."
"You were honest and kind in how you put it."
"You were also smart as she does seem to be going 'bridezilla'."- svifted
"NTA."
"Nobody is compelled to be part of the wedding party beyond the bride and groom."
"I personally can't imagine forcing someone to be a bridesmaid or groomsman if they don't want to be there, what's the point?"- Cultural-Ambition449
"NTA."
"If she wanted you to wear a reasonably priced dress and/or pay for that herself, and your only other obligations were to walk a bouquet down the aisle, it would be a different story."
"She's expecting way too much from someone who already has way too much going on."-icedtea4all
"NTA."
"Let your mother and aunts use their energy to convince her to re-invite you if they care that much about appearances."
"Otherwise ignore any text or conversation about the wedding."
"Its the brides and groom's duty to make their day perfect not anyone else's."
"They can get a wedding planner, your mother and aunt can help her."- Big__Bang
"NTA."
"Working full time, preparing your thesis, AND teaching summer classes?"
"Yikes that's busy."
"I totally understand why you don't have the time or energy to invest in what she is demanding from her wedding party."
"I don't think the expectations are that bad and she is communicating them, but it does mean she needs to be willing to accept a no."
"Ew, so you're just a prop to her?"
"Gross."
"Some people do act like weddings mean the bride can say 'jump' and the only acceptable answer is 'how high'."- Kettlewise
"I am confused.'
"What does your being a bridesmaid have to do with the wedding being 'perfect?''
"Is it solely because you are the sister?"
"And there is some value to that fact when it comes to being a bridesmaid?"
"I'm a guy, if it matters."
"Compromise: 'I'll be a bridesmaid for the wedding, but due to other life issues, I can not participate in the bachelorette party, dance class, etc. Your choice'."
"And then don't bend."
"When people complain, tell them the deal."
"And get it in writing, by email."
"NTA."
"Stand your ground."
"Oh, and be prepared for your sister to be insulted if you do not choose her as your bridesmaid or MOH."- lapsteelguitar
"Definitely NTA."
"If your mom and aunts can't understand why you don't want to, they're crazy."- PianoOk6786
"NTA."
"You were honest that what you have going on wouldn't allow you the time to do all the things she wants."
"With how she is reacting to this it's clear you made the right decision."
"I imagine one misstep or anything she interpreted as a misstep would lead to her having a tantrum and kicking out anyway."
"Hopefully she gets over it and you can attend."
"If not, it's her own doing."- BlueBelle2019
"NTA sounds like a win-win for you."
"Book a spa weekend or something for yourself on the same day and enjoy yourself with no regrets."- JanetInSpain
"NTA."
"Your sister sounds entitled, you explained why you could not be bridesmaid because of a busy schedule, the world does not revolve around her wedding."
"I'm so happy all this wedding bonanza is not a thing where I'm from."- Kashaya72
"NTA."
"Presumably you thanked her for the offer, but you just wouldn't be able to give her the time she needs."
"She is being an AH for not inviting you to her wedding because things didn't go her way."
"That is the attitude of a child."- Square_Lab_7868
"NTA."
"You have very legitimate reasons why not to be her bridesmaid and she is showing her bridezilla antics already by uninviting you."
"Stay far away from that drama!"-Radio_Caroline79
Perhaps what's most upsetting about the behavior of the OP's sister is her disappointment that her sister won't pay up and plan all the extra activities, on top of all her other current obligations.
Had she instead sat her down and expressed how much it would mean to the OP to have her stand with her as she enters into this major new chapter in her life, the outcome might have been very different indeed.
Here's hoping they can come to an understanding before the wedding, so that the OP can at the very least be there to see her little sister get married.
That is, if that's the outcome she wants...
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.