Learning to have healthy boundaries is a life lesson far too many people learn fat too late.
There is so much toxicity in the world, and the sooner people can identify and block it, the better off many people will be.
But some boundaries may seem harsh.
So harsh it leads others to question if it's a boundary or just bad behavior.
Redditor throwRAflatissues wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to help rekindle my girlfriend's friendship with our neighbor after she refused to help her in an emergency?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (25 F[emale]) G[irl]F[riend] (26 F-Lotta) has always been on the more quiet and reserved side but also incredibly kind and conscientious of other people."
"She also doesn't let others walk all over her and knows how to set (and stick to) boundaries, which is one of the reasons I was attracted to her."
"But a few weeks ago, I think she was too ruthless."
"A few weeks ago, our upstairs neighbor (who Lotta and I are close with) showed up at our door sobbing and begging Lotta to babysit her 5-year-old for an hour because her one-month-old was having trouble breathing and had stopped breathing at one point and needed to go to the hospital ASAP."
"The neighbor explained her mother was on the way as they spoke but she had no one else to take care of her other son."
"She also offered to pay Lotta."
"I was at work at the time."
"Lotta said no."
"She said she was busy and couldn't do it."
"The neighbor ended up taking both kids to the hospital."
"I found out about this incident when I got home from work, and Lotta told me."
"I was genuinely surprised to hear she said no which seemed to annoy Lotta."
"It's been 3 weeks since that event, and our neighbor has been quiet and cold to Lotta, and this really bothers her."
"She says she was just setting boundaries and that our neighbor was entitled and snobby for being upset that Lotta said no."
"I explained I felt differently and am more on our neighbor's side as..."
"1) She has never asked us for any favors in the three years we've known her and..."
"2) This was a medical emergency- not her wanting to go clubbing with her friends."
"I told Lotta that she didn't teach our neighbor a lesson. She only added stress she didn't need."
"This really upset Lotta because she thought I would be on her side."
"She then asked me to talk to our neighbor to try and rekindle their friendship."
"I said I can't do that for her, she needs to apologize herself and put in the work."
"Lotta stormed off and now keeps saying I'm being a huge a**hole for not siding with her and helping her with our neighbor who is 'her friend.'"
"To be clear..."
"Lotta was 'busy' cooking dinner and catching up on a show of hers."
"She wasn't working or doing anything that would be dangerous for kids to be around."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA."
"This was a medical emergency- not her wanting to go clubbing with her friends. I told Lotta that she didn't teach our neighbor a lesson,, she only added stress she didn't need."
"That's it right there."
"This is SO horrible to do to someone."
"Because Lotta was 'busy,' that poor 5-year-old was exposed to further trauma by having to go to the hospital and potentially witness their baby sibling being poked and prodded and probably have tubes shoved down their throat."
"I really hope Lotta doesn't want children of her own."
"Or maybe I do because then she will realize what a total AH she was to this poor woman." ~ linzerdsnort6
"Agreed. This would be an instant deal breaker."
"I can't think of many things I wouldn't drop right then to watch the kid."
"Food can be reheated."
"Shows can be paused."
"Work can have a break."
"I would LOVE to know what she was so busy with that she couldn't stop for an hour."
"This was a major emergency, and OP's girlfriend showed how dark her heart is."
"How could you ever trust someone again after finding that out?"
"This person was supposedly a friend to her, and she treated her like the sh*t on the bottom of her shoe during a terrifying moment of crisis for her."
"If she treats friends like that, I can't imagine she would be a good partner because she's clearly not a good person." ~ JustAsICanBeSoCruel
"If my neighbor said her baby wasn't breathing could I please watch the other kid… yeah. Like, no."
"You are not obligated to help, but why would you not?! "
"To cook and watch TV."
"This panicked woman's BABY ISN'T BREATHING!"
"NTA. Jeez." ~ Thedivinedivine
"What's bulls**t is OP's S[ignificant] O[ther]'s use of the word boundary."
"So many people (at least on Reddit) conflate boundaries and being a straight-up jacka**."
"It's bulls**t and OP is NTA but her girlfriend is definitely one."
"This was a terribly lame a** excuse to not help and this was a literal EMERGENCY!"
"OP- You saw your SO for who she really is. Believe her."
"Then dump her." ~ Sportylady09
"Neighbor is now setting a boundary (don't trust GF) and now so is OP (she won't help with this) and now GF is all shocked?"
"Pleasseee. GF needs some reflection ASAP."
"OP is NTA." ~ Sorcereens
"I'm not a 'kids' person."
"My husband and I are child-free; our home is definitely child-unsafe."
"We've got cleaning chemicals in easy reach, a lot of small, breakable items in easy reach, a bunch of insecure shelving, and other things that could hurt a small child."
"But you bet your a** if one of our neighbors came up in a panic and asked if we could babysit their little one for an hour or two while they took their baby to the hospital."
"I'd welcome the little munchkin in and find a way to corral them in the safest room with a bunch of toys and keep an eye on them."
"Or I'd ask if the parent would be comfortable with me coming to their place to watch the kiddo in their house."
"Trying to navigate the hospital system with your ill child is hard enough, let alone trying to do so while keeping your non-ill child in hand and entertained/taken care of."
"OP is definitely NTA and Lotta definitely is the AH." ~ InquisitorVawn
"I'm pretty sure 'Lotta' posted her side of this story not too long ago wanting to know if she was an a**hole for setting 'boundaries' by refusing to help when the neighbor's baby was having a medical emergency."
"She got roasted in the comments and kept trying to justify herself."
"Either this is a remarkable coincidence or 'Lotta's' boyfriend is a little late to the party."
"He's got an a**hole on his hands, and he wants to know if he should clean up her a**holery."
"Let her clean up her own mess."
"But OP needs to look closely at her total lack of empathy." ~ 5footfilly
"Lotta was a total A**hole."
"There's a time and a place for setting and enforcing boundaries (though it doesn't sound like she needed to with this person) and it's not during a damn medical emergency where a child isn't breathing."
"Honestly, this would change my view of my partner significantly and I'm not sure I could recover from something like that viewpoint of them either."
"She was willing to risk a child's life to set a boundary there was no need to set."
"I say this because you specifically mention that she doesn't ever bother you guys for much."
"Lotta needs to do a lot of soul searching cause what in the actual f**k."
"As your neighbor, I would never bother with you guys again, ever." ~ amandarae1023
"NTA - Good for you for recognizing that it wasn't your job to mend the fences that Lotta broke."
"She might be good and kind in most instances, but in this case she doesn't know how to admit that she was wrong and apologize to the right person."
"Sounds like she's mad at everyone but herself."
"I'm also on the neighbor's side."
"This was a small test of friendship for Lotta, and she failed it."
"She didn't want to be inconvenienced, which is fine."
"But now your neighbor doesn't want to be inconvenienced by befriending Lotta." ~ BeeJackson
"Wow. Your GF is cold."
"Sure, she didn't have to sit for your neighbor."
"But your neighbor has now seen that she is a cruel person who cares more about boundaries than helping out a friend in an emergency."
"Her friendship is gone."
"She cared more about whatever she was doing at the time than helping out a mother whose child stopped breathing."
"She was even going to pay her!"
"Honestly, I wouldn't lift a finger to help her repair her situation."
'She can be cruel to people, but then she has to live with the outcome." ~ NotCreativeAtAll16
"NTA. She denies help to a woman whose baby couldn't breathe and now wants you to make the woman be friends with her again."
"Your GF is a sociopath."
"The friend is NEVER going to forgive her, trust her, or like her ever again because she was, checks notes too busy to help when her baby was in danger of actually dying."
"Yeah, that friendship is toast, and maybe make sure your GF is not your emergency contact." ~ NinjaHidingintheOpen
"NTA. Obligatory, of course, no one owes anyone else babysitting, but how completely stone-cold heartless can you be with a lady who thinks her baby might be dying and has to go to the ER?"
"I would be reconsidering my relationship just based on a lack of empathy on your girlfriend's part - that's just not the kind of person I would want to be with."
"Plus her wanting to foist off on you the work of repairing her 'setting boundaries.'" ~ antizana
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Having boundaries is a very good thing, but this is extreme.
It sounds like Lotta may need some therapy because something deeper may be going on.
Good luck.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.