Wedding planning is not for the faint of heart even under regular circumstances.
But one bride on Reddit found herself with a particularly thorny wedding-related issue, which she posed to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by the username CaterwaulingKid, asked her fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wanting to cater to my autistic brother's needs at my wedding?"
The OP explained:
"(Throwaway account because family follows my other account)"
"So my brother (20M) is autistic, he has a lot of very special, specific needs from what kind of fabric his clothing is made of to what he will eat (and how its prepared) to the sounds and smells around him."
"Because of his special needs he needs a lot of extra attention so growing up my parents were very much occupied with taking care of him. If things aren't exactly how he likes them to be he will have a meltdown that usually involves screaming, crying and throwing things and its quite unpleasant. (I know he can't help it, its just how it is)"
"Well I'm recently engaged and planning my wedding (which is in 2 years so fingers crossed the pandemic will be under control by then) and I'll admit I'm being very selfish about it. I never got anything to myself growing up, everything always revolved around my brother and so I've decided I'm going to go all out with my wedding and serve the food I like, decorate how I like, play the music I like, etc."
"My fiance is amazing about it and has no interest in helping plan the wedding (he just has a few things he wants to have a say in and he has already made those choices so we are good) and just wants me to be happy."
"I visited my mother this past weekend to talk about planning the wedding and what I've chosen so far and my mother was shocked and appalled. She said the caterer I chose doesn't have enough food options for my brother, he doesn't like the flavor cake I want, the colors will upset him and having a DJ and lights will overwhelm him."
"I got mad at her and told her it's my wedding not my brother's birthday party, that she can pack him a meal if he doesn't like anything on my menu and bring him a cupcake so he can have cake and that there are back rooms in the venue that he can sit in while other people are dancing."
"She's super mad at me and said I'm being a selfish, horrible person for not considering my brother's needs at all and basically making it impossible for him to enjoy himself at my wedding, that weddings are about family. She said I should know how hard things are for him I should have done better and I need to change everything immediately."
"He hates parties and crowds, he would much rather sit in a back room and watch videos on his iPad than socialize, I don't think it's unreasonable for my parents to let me have one day where everything isn't perfect for my brother and they should appreciate what I enjoy and want for my wedding."
"I don't have any plans on changing anything about my wedding because I honestly just don't want to."
"AITA?"
The OP added a few extra details to answer common questions.
"EDIT: my fiance and I are paying for the wedding, my mom offered to pay for my dress and my fiance's mom is paying for the rehearsal dinner."
"Also there are foods my brother will eat on the caterers' menu. It's just there is only one meal he likes (chicken tenders and potatoes) and there will be other things there he likes like cookies, just the main cake will not be a flavor he likes"
OP's fellow Redditors were asked to decide who's in the wrong using the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And the results were pretty much decisive—OP was declared Not The A**hole.
"NTA - if he hates crowds and noise nothing you do is going to make it fun for him. It sounds like you offered some reasonable solutions. Your mom is being awful." --allaboutbird
"NTA- I get her asking maybe doing something private with him on the wedding day or maybe small changes to make it easier but that is about it. It isn't his wedding so you don't cater to him." --Shadyside77
"Mom doesn't want to have to stay home and miss the wedding. Not OP's problem."
"NTA" --WhoIsYerWan
"NTA. I agree, OP's mother is stupid to live out her fantasy of a baseline child who is not autistic ever-present in every aspect of life despite explicitly being a lifelong buzzkill for OP when the event is literally supposed to be the most special day of OP's life."
"For f'k's sake, has the mother even asked what the brother wants?" --Galaxy_Convoy
"NTA. Your wedding is about you & your fiancé. It's not selfish to want that. Your mom probably thinks you're being selfish, but I would counter with so is she..." --EleanorOfAquitaine-
"OP says the brother hates crowds so no matter what she did he'd still hate it. Honestly it'd probably be better if he wasn't there and OP had a small celebration with her family before/after the wedding to include the brother." --silke_worm
"And what about the enjoyment of all the other guests? Can you imagine? 'No, we won't have dancing or a dj or music bc OPs brother...'" --TGNotatCerner
"...Mom has forgotten that she has another child." --JadedSlayer
"NTA Please show your mom these comments. She's revolved your entire family's lives around your brother and isn't stopping."
"Your mom is in real danger of losing you, and maybe that might not be so bad. You have a life to live and she's stifling it." --Tapioca44
"NTA - yes, weddings are "for family," but they're ABOUT the bride and groom. Not your brother, not even your mother." --goeatacactus
Here's hoping the OP and her family find a solution that allows everyone to enjoy the wedding.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.