Telling the truth about someone’s behavior can be difficult.
It’s never fun to feel like a “tattletale.”
But is telling the basic truth… tattling?
Sometimes people make a bad judgment call that may leave others uncomfortable.
Redditor weddingplannerdrama wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA if I tell my wedding planner friend what her assistant did at my wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I am 27 F[emale] and married my best friend 28 M[ale] about a month ago.”
“One of my good friends is a wedding planner and I used her company for the coordinating.”
“She was a guest at the wedding but had 3 other people from her company work with my husband and me.”
“They were amazing.”
“The whole wedding went perfectly.”
“Not a single complaint about the job the company did.”
“One of the assistants was this guy who looked to be about my age.”
“I didn’t give it much thought.”
“This past weekend, I hung out with my friend Clara (25 F).”
“This is the first time we have seen each other since my wedding.”
“Clara told me a ‘funny story’ about my wedding.”
“She said a few days after my wedding she received an Instagram follow and message from someone she didn’t know.”
“The gist of the message was that it was from the assistant coordinator at my wedding.”
“He pretty much said that he was working and couldn’t say anything, but he noticed her at the wedding and thought she was really beautiful, and he wanted to ask her on a date.”
“She asked how he found her and he ‘proudly’ said that he noticed her, looked up the seating chart of the table she was seated at for dinner, and looked up every girl at the table until he found her.”
“She said she wasn’t comfortable with that and blocked him.”
“She told me it was funny in hindsight, but at the time, she was a little uncomfortable.”
“Clara did emphasize to me she didn’t think it was a big deal.”
“She will most likely report him to the head of the company and maybe he will or maybe he won’t be fired.”
“I don’t know if I’m being vindictive or not.”
“It doesn’t sit right that we paid a guy to do a job and he ended up stalking and DMing my friend.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Would I be an a**hole if I told my wedding planner friend about what happened?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA and a lot of people would have an issue with a stranger using his company to find your PRIVATE, personal information.”
“Dude could have walked up and asked at the end of the wedding to be less creepy but decided to illegally get a woman’s information instead.” ~ Sea-Wolf-1312
“NTA… that’s over the top and invasive. She deserves to know he’s misusing his access to private information.” ~ Imnotawerewolf
“NTA. It’s a data breach, and it should never happen.”
“He should not have used the details he could access via his work to reach out to your friend.”
“His actions were unwanted.”
“You must tell your friend.” ~ MajorAd2679
“NTA- this is unacceptable behavior.”
“He’s using information gathered for professional reasons as his own personal source to hit on women?”
“She wasn’t at the wedding for his benefit.” ~ spaceylaceygirl
“You have a responsibility to your friend and her company, not the creepy stalker.”
“Tell her.”
“If she finds out another way, she’ll be pissed, and rightfully so. NTA.” ~ AryaStark1313
“When I first saw my future wife, I was volunteering at a therapeutic riding group, and she was another volunteer.”
“I knew the owner of the stables very well, and most of the other volunteers were under 18.”
“I asked her the rough age of my future wif,e and it was just 1 year younger than me.”
“The owner offered me her number if I wanted to call (the owner was female, by the way).”
“I smartly declined as I thought that it would be creepy.”
“I struck up a conversation with my future wife and eventually asked her out; we have been married for 28 years.”
“At one point, I asked her what would have happened if I had gotten her number and called her.”
“She said she would have felt threatened and never gone out with me.” ~ NewBayRoad
“Completely off-topic, but I’ve had a receptionist do something similar when my ex cheated on me.”
“They had to go to the doctor to be seen after a work accident and the front office girl who checked them in recognized him.”
“She then went into his chart got his full name and then mine, then found me on FB and messaged me.”
“I can honestly say I didn’t appreciate the breach of privacy for that.”
“Especially because the infidelity had already been discovered and we were actively trying to work on the marriage.”
“It was humiliating to me when she found out we were married months later to have saved their messages and such and sent them to me.”
“So moral of the story, it is ALWAYS creepy to be cyber stalked for any reason that isn’t legitimate like a rich uncle dying and leaving you millions.”
“Tell your friend, and you won’t be TA.” ~ butterflyfire64
“NTA, if he did it once, he’ll do it again and is probably doing it regularly.”
“Lots of single women get insecure in the wake of a wedding, probably making it more likely he’s getting the yes he wants and is kinda preying on that.”
“I doubt he’ll get fired unless it’s not his first time being reported for this, but it needs to be documented in his employee file with H[uman] R[esources].” ~ Ok-Knowledge9154
“Jesus take the wheel, no, no, no, no. NTA. YWNBTA.”
“In fact, you will 100% be the a**hole if you don’t tell her because this creep is probably laying her and her company open to all kinds of damage both legally and in terms of their reputation.”
“It absolutely does not matter whether Clara thinks it’s a big deal or not.”
“The next woman might not be so ‘No it’s totally okay that men creep on me, don’t mind that at all, lol,’ and there will be a next woman, and one after that, and so forth.”
“If I were your friend and I found out that you knew about this and didn’t tell me, I would have words for you that you would probably not like.”
“You might think that you’re being nicer not to rock the boat, but you’re doing your friend a huge disservice – not to mention the fact that you know there’s a man behaving in entirely inappropriate ways and your reaction is to sweep it under the rug.”
“F**king stop that.”
“It is not your responsibility to see to it that a creep who behaves inappropriately toward women keeps his job.”
“It is arguably partly your responsibility to see to it that he doesn’t.” ~ writinwater
“Absolutely YWNBTA!”
“I’ve had dudes contact me like this – it is super creepy, and I don’t have the ego to think I’m that extraordinary.”
“I’m absolutely certain they’ve done it before and will do it again.”
“I start thinking of the other info the company might have about me.”
“My home address for an invitation they sent?”
“Now I’m low-key worried about this dude who lacks boundaries showing up at my door!” ~ ljr55555
“NTA. he at the very least needs to be told this isn’t acceptable to do.”
“Who knows if the company has already had other problems with him?”
“if this is the first, they may just give him a reprimand… but if not the first, it’s good info for them to have.” ~ mllebitterness
“Absolutely agree, it opens her company to liability and just overall you don’t hide that stuff from friends.”
“NTA, OP.” ~ CadaverificJellyfish
“NTA, and frankly, he needs to be reported.”
“What if he was a dangerous individual and he did that?”
“This was a serious breach of trust and privacy, and your guests expected to feel safe, not chatted up by some creepy guy after the wedding.” ~ One_Thousand_Winds
“Honestly, the days later thing is an even bigger red flag to me, because it tells you he absolutely knows he’s not supposed to be hitting on them during the actual events.”
“He’s trying to find a sneaky way to be inappropriate. NTA.” ~ almaperdida99
“YWNBTA. He pretty much stalked your friend.”
“That is strange all on its own.”
“That he did it using company information?”
“I would say at the very least that’s a write-up and possible firing offense.”
“He put your friend’s company at legal risk with his actions.”
“Your friend deserves to know what kind of person works for her and the level of risk he opens the company up to.” ~ IamIrene
“NTA – that’s the equivalent of working at a retail store with a membership discount card program, thinking a customer is cute, and using the membership database to get their phone number to ask them out.”
“Absolutely inappropriate and a massive misuse of customer data which is EXACTLY what happened when he used the seating chart with all the names of guests to look her up on Instagram.”
“Don’t s**t where you eat.” ~ Gnome_Chomsky-
“YWNBTA. That is super-creepy behavior.”
“That guy used information available to him via his job to borderline stalk one of your wedding guests.”
“I don’t think your friend’s company would want to be associated with people who would do this.” ~ Remarkable_Inchworm
“NTA. You absolutely should let her know.”
“She can decide where it goes from there.”
“He didn’t just think she was hot and do some Instagram sleuthing through tagged photos on your page or whatever to find her.”
“He used insider information that he had access to due to his job to ID her.”
“Very different and much creepier.” ~ advisory-council
“NTA. Your friend is either going to hear about this from you, over private channels, or they’re going to hear about it in the Yelp reviews when he does it to somebody else.”
“Do her a solid and give her a heads up now.” ~ gringledoom
“Definitely tell her.”
“That’s unprofessional, and it is a little creepy considering he told her he looked up every woman at the table.”
“Like WTF is that? Stalkerish.”
“She needs to know what level of professionalism is being conveyed by her staff.”
“I’m glad your wedding went smoothly though! NTA.” ~ OkieH3
“NTA. You absolutely should say what her employee did.”
“It was completely improper.”
“He was there to work, not to pick up women.”
“Not only that but if he did this once, you can bet that he’s done it again.”
“You will not only be protecting your friend, but the women he did it to in the past, and any woman he might do it to in the future.”
“The other reason you should report this is that a certain number of people who do this will escalate their behavior in the future.” ~ bamf1701
“NTA, and I think you should. You say this company and your friend’s team did an amazing job for your wedding and you were super happy with it.”
“If this guy did this one time, maybe he gets a talking to it, and it never happens again.”
“But more likely, he’s done this before and will do it again, and it will eventually cause a big problem for the events company and potentially for your friend.”
“It made you uncomfortable. It would make others uncomfortable, too.”
“It could easily tarnish a wedding experience (again- that already happened).”
“There’s no need to protect this guy.”
“He did an AH thing.”
“You aren’t obligated to hide it for him.”
“This isn’t a ‘bulls**t reason’ to get fired, either.”
“If it happens- that’s a consequence of his choices.”
“Tell your friend at the company and let her handle it.”
“If you sit on it, it’ll be like a stone in your shoe, for good reason.” ~ the_greengrace
“NTA! In fact, you would actively be the AH if you didn’t tell your friend as it makes her company look bad.”
“You don’t know if he does this at every wedding they work and he abused company information to be a creep.”
“You should only contact people who give you their permission to do so, which could give your friend’s company a bad reputation.” ~ Wise_Date_5357
“NTA, he used private information he only had because of his job to track her down.”
“I would ask your friend who to report it to but not make your friend do it unless she offers.’
“This is between you and the company they work for.” ~ Possible-Position-73
“NTA- nope, this is predatory.”
“Hopefully the guy was just young and dumb.”
“But report this.”
“It could go south so fast and it puts the company at liability if it did.” ~ PicklesMcpickle
“NTA – using company info that way is WAY out of line and I’m not surprised your friend was uncomfortable.”
“It’s likely he’s done this before and will do so again (he may even have done this to other guests at your wedding, and they’ve not mentioned it to you).”
“He will continue to make more people uncomfortable, potentially losing his boss some business over time.”
“All he had to do to NOT be a creep was to walk up to your friend and ask for her number.” ~ redcore4
“NTA. You should absolutely tell them, that is wildly inappropriate and potentially criminal (certainly something that would leave the company open to a lawsuit).”
“Using private company data to stalk people is wildly out of line.”
“They will almost certainly be fired for this and they should be.”
“You would be the AH if you didn’t inform your friend.” ~ kiwipixi42
“NTA. He was totally inappropriate.”
“Side note, I had someone do the same thing to my coworker.”
“I will be professional with him but if he ever asks he will know how I feel.”
“She wasn’t that bothered so I dropped it but it’s still gross.” ~ Kairain
“NTA. He made her uncomfortable.”
“It’s entirely possible he’s done this more than once.”
“Report him to the company directly.”
“And take your friend aside and tell her why you feel you need to.”
“Don’t rely on her to do it.”
“Do it yourself.” ~cheekmo_52
“NTA. What he did was inappropriate and creepy… and as a business owner, she needs to be aware as his behavior could put her business’s reputation at risk (or even get her sued).” ~ Jus10sBae
Reddit is with you, OP.
You have to do what you feel is best.
He crossed a line.
He needs to understand the consequences.
No matter what those consequences look like.
Congrats on the wedding, and good luck.