The older generations of family can be challenging to deal with now and again.
They either haven’t been comfortable keeping up with changing times, or some just don’t care to try to change with them.
There’s challenging behavior… and there’s unacceptable behavior.
Redditor Traditional-Yak2096 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my MIL she can never visit us or my SIL again?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] Alice is a single mom.”
“She had her first child at 16 and her second by 19.”
“Alice lived with her parents but was often mistreated by my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] Pat.”
“My MIL is a mean petty woman.”
“She wore a light beige dress to my wedding and anything I do isn’t good enough.”
“My grandmother died, and I inherited a double condo townhouse.”
“My husband and I moved into one, and the tenants next to us moved out about 6 months ago.”
“Alice was having a hard time so I told my Hubby if she could keep it nice she could move in.”
“Alice is working part-time and going to orthodontics assistant schooling.”
“She’s not the troubled person that my MIL makes her out to be.”
“In 6 months she hasn’t been a problem and the boys are now 7 and 4 so not bad children just boys.”
“They remind me of my cousins.”
“My MIL was visiting Alice and the 7-year-old was outside playing and knocking over a planter on my side.”
“Not a big deal.”
“My MIL screamed at him and called him a little ‘N’ word because he’s a mixed child.”
“I was so angry at her.”
“I told my MIL to leave the property and never come back to visit.”
“My SIL was shocked but cried, saying her mom often spoke to the 7-year-old like that.”
“I told my hubby and he thinks we overreacted to his mom and his mom just isn’t used to children playing rough because they weren’t allowed to.”
“I told my husband a ball bouncing is not rough playing it’s an accident and his mother’s language was inexcusable under any circumstances.”
“So for the boy’s mental health that women is not allowed over.”
“His whole family said I’m being dramatic and Alice has the habit of over-exaggerating everything but I heard for myself what his mother said and in 6 months of Alice living in the next condo to us, she has never given me the reason not to trust her or think she’s an unfit mother or bad person.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA but holy hell besides the MIL being awful/racist; the fact that OP’s husband enables it makes it 100 times worse!”
“OP read r/justnoMIL and start insisting on healthy boundaries in your marriage.”
“Go to marriage counseling with or without your husband to discuss healthy boundaries.” ~ Super_Reading2048
“Tell your husband he can visit his mom at her place.”
“There is no excuse for using a racial slur, no matter what the kid did.”
“The fact that your husband wants you to ignore it is not something I would accept in a spouse.” ~ rosezoeybear
“He is trying to navigate a difficult parent and a family used to her nonsense.”
“This is probably the first time anyone has stood up to her.”
“She’s lost control of Alice, and now she fears she’s losing her son.”
“So OP NTA, don’t fight about this with your husband. Don’t bring that tension into your marriage.”
“Stay calm and tell him he’s welcome to keep visiting his Mom, of course, but she’s not welcome to your homes.”
“Alice, too, can visit Mom if she wants, but again, don’t bring Mom here.”
“Your home is peaceful and pleasant, and you want it to stay that way.”
“Try very hard to stay calm while everyone adjusts to this new normal, including your husband.”
“He’s got to learn that family may tolerate his mother, but no one else is obliged to.” ~ Firm-Molasses-4913
“If his mum is racist and he thinks that what OP did is an overreaction there is a very real chance her husband is a racist.”
“Yes it’s going to be hard for him when he’s used to bowing to his mother without a doubt, but racism is never acceptable.” ~ Ok-Carpenter5734
“There is, but there’s also a chance that he’s been raised to, and used to, catering to his mother’s misbehavior and simply needs to learn how to not listen to her excuses or tolerate it any longer.”
“I was raised with an awful narcissistic parent, and the escalation of his bad behavior was slow and incremental, and his family made excuses for him his whole life.”
“I simply walked away and stopped speaking to him and anyone who made excuses for him, but there were many years where I was pointed out as the ‘bad guy’ for not putting up with his bs any longer.”
“The husband may need therapy to learn how bad his mom is, and he may need time to unlearn his behavior.”
“If he agrees that calling a child (or anyone) a racial slur, that is a first step.”
“But bravo, OP, I wouldn’t let that woman anywhere near my home or my nephews.” ~ Laleaky
“Honestly, if it was anything other than racism and child abuse, I’d agree with you.”
“But the line needs to be drawn in the sand – ‘If you think this is okay, you’re wrong.'”
“Yelling at a child for an accident that is a non-issue is wrong.”
“Sure, talk it out.”
“‘I know you were excited and playing, but you need to be aware of what’s around you.'”
“‘We don’t play ball in the house because things can be broken.'”
“‘But there are things outside the house that can break too, so we need to be careful.'”
“‘Accidents happen and that’s okay, we’ll make things right.'”
“Calling anyone, much less a child, a slur is inexcusable.”
“I want to say ‘especially in anger”‘ but no. Just done.”
“If OP’s husband doesn’t see just how wrong that is, then he’s the current problem.” ~ Ladygytha
“However, I don’t really think she should be having kids with this man at all until he looks long and deep into his own racism.”
“He was raised by this woman and may need to see a therapist for a while to get beyond the worldview she’s inflicted upon him.” ~ BaitedBreaths
“First of all, NTA. Second of all, what is wrong with your husband???” ~ dryadduinath
“NTA well done for standing up to her and protecting Alice and her children.”
“They will remember that for a long time.” ~ Leading-Intern-996
“Judging by Alice’s reaction, it’s either the first time or one of only a very few times she’s had someone stand up for her.”
“OP – NTA but your husband, MIL, and their family are big ones.” ~ Ok-Meringue6107
“NTA. It sounds like the family that you married into is very accustomed to how your MIL acts.”
“So much so that they find it ‘normal.'”
“It’s not normal and it will take them a long time to realize it.” ~ Unhappy-Quail-2645
“NTA and I hope the condo is solely in your name only.”
“Remind him if he keeps condoning his mother’s racist attitude, he can go live with her, and you and SIL will be ok.” ~ OscarnBennyesmom
“NTA. The MIL is garbage.”
“No excuses for speaking that way to a child, ever.”
“Keep her away.”
“Keep protecting Alice and her boys.”
“You’re a very kind person.”
“Thank you for existing.” ~Tough-Combination-37
“NTA. Your husband needs to grow a spine here—there is no excuse for what your MIL to that little guy. NONE.”
“Also, good for you to open that condo to your SIL.”
“What a kind person you are.” ~ Auntie-Mam69
“NTA you are married to a racist man in a racist family… your next move is important too.” ~ whydoweneedthiscrap
“Your MIL called her grandchild the N-word, and the family thinks that you’re overreacting by banishing her?”
“Frankly, given that Alice says this has been going on for a long time, I’m concerned that she hasn’t been protecting her child.”
“What you MIL did is vile and racist and harmful to a little child. It’s shameful.”
“And anyone who lets her keep doing this is complicit.”
“You, my dear, are the member of the family with a backbone and morals and are not complicit.”
“You don’t sit there quietly and allow a child to be hurt. Stay strong.”
“Keep her away. Protect your nephew.”
“And don’t listen to anyone who comes up with ridiculous reasons for you to allow this to keep happening; you don’t sacrifice children on the altar of family peace. NTA.” ~ Nester1953
“NTA. Everyone who says that SIL has a habit of over-exaggerating asks them when they have ever witnessed her over-exaggerating or if it is just something that MIL has said and they believed it.”
“Why are you married to a man who is so blatantly racist that he allows his own nephew to be called derogatory slur words?”
“As long as he is condoning his mother saying it then he is no better and is also a racist.”
“Do you want your children raised by a man with such views?”
“Thank you for having Alice’s back.”
“Doesn’t sound like anyone ever has including her own brother.” ~ wlfwrtr
“NTA. Your MIL is a racist, if she screams slurs at her own grandchild in front of you, I cannot imagine what she has said in private only to him.”
“Trust your experience and your guts.”
“Go N[o] C[ontact] with those who said you are dramatic, they are your husband’s problem, not yours.” ~ Bacteria_Friend
“NTA. Your MIL is a racist AH.”
“And if your husband doesn’t understand the problem with this, you have got an even bigger problem.”
“Thank you for being a safe haven for your SIL and kids.”
“It sounds like they need the support of someone with a spine and the right attitude.”
“You rock!!” ~ GSD_enthusiast
“NTA. Couples therapy ultimatum time, I would have a BIG problem being married to someone who had normalized such extreme racism.” ~ icecreampenis
OP came back with an Update:
“My MIL is still insisting she didn’t say that, and I misheard her.”
“My husband and I are still arguing over it because he thinks because his mother said it in anger because the child broke something expensive.”
“I don’t think that’s a valid reason to say that to a child or anyone ever.”
You are 100% in the right to stand up to any and all forms of racism, OP.
Reddit is with you all the way.