Some couples plan surprises for each other to keep the romance alive in their relationship.
But some people are great at planning for another person while some… not so much.
A wife whose husband is in the not so much category turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after his latest surprise was a disaster.
Big_Professional5879 asked:
“AITA for not appreciating the surprise getaway my husband planned?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“For the past month, my husband (27, male) and I (28, female) have been in a rut. We’ve been arguing about so many trivial things.”
“Last week, he randomly asked me if I liked eating s’mores. I said I don’t care for them and rarely do I ever crave them.”
“He then asked me what I thought of cabins and camping. I told him I don’t care for either to be honest and the only way I would go camping is if it was a glamping experience.”
“He nodded and said noted.”
“Today he tells me to be ready and dressed by 4 pm because we have a date planned. I put on a cute outfit because all he told me was we have a special date planned.”
“Any other time he’s said that, the date usually involves us going out to a fancy restaurant. So I put on a skirt, some heels, and a top.”
“He sees my outfit, doesn’t say anything.”
“The only thing I noticed that was odd was that he brought his backpack with him. I asked him why, and he said that he just wanted to put his hoodie somewhere in case it got cold later.”
“We get into the car and 20 minutes into the drive I ask him how far is the restaurant we’re going to. He smiles and says, ‘about an hour’.”
“I pull up my phone and start responding to some work emails to kill time. And then when we arrived to our destination I honestly got so upset.”
“It was a super tiny trailer in the middle of the West Virginia woods. There was a small picnic table outside and just woods.”
“I asked him what we were doing there and he turned to me and said, ‘surprise! we’re having a couple’s retreat. Do you like it?’.”
“I walk inside the trailer and mind you, my husband knows I am extremely claustrophobic. There is no room inside this trailer.”
“I start panicking because:”
“a.) I need physical space”
“b.) I’m in HEELS AND A SKIRT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS”
“c.) HE PACKED his PJs, his toothbrush, AND A CHANGE OF CLOTHES FOR HIMSELF, BUT DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ME I’D BE NEEDING ANYTHING FOR THIS DATE”
“I was very surprised to learn that he didn’t pack me anything at all—he said he forgot. That part was what made me cry.”
“If he packed me an overnight bag, I might have reacted differently.”
“I mean, yeah, sure I hate small spaces—would I have enjoyed myself? Probably not. But it would’ve been nice to know that my partner packed me my essentials—that he was thoughtful and intentional with the planning.”
“And the worst part is, it’s that time of the month for me—which he knew, he always knows—and he did not bring me any extra pads. Thank god I had one in my purse.”
“If he was planning a trip with his guy friends he’d be sooooo prepared. But when it comes to me, he’s so ‘forgetful’ and ‘in a rush’.”
“At that point I just blatantly ask him, ‘have I ever expressed any interest in camping to you?’ He said, ‘no’.”
“And then I followed up with, ‘you know how much I hate small spaces, what made you think I’d enjoy this, I just really want to understand?’ He didn’t say anything.”
“I told him I appreciated the gesture, but I could not for the life of me figure out how he thought planning this in the way he did was going to help get us out of a rut.”
“This isn’t the first time he’s planned something for me that I hated.”
“And the worst thing is, I’ve told him before that if I’ve never expressed interest in something to please not gift it to me or plan a date around it.
“I do a very good job at giving him extremely thoughtful gifts and planning him very thoughtful dates/experiences. The most recent surprise I planned was last month.”
“He’s a big Porsche guy so surprised him with a trip to the Porsche experience in Carson, California. I booked us a lunch date at Restaurant 917 four months in advance and I booked him a driving experience on the track in his fave Porsche.”
“And today I told him that it just seems like there isn’t any consideration for me in that regard. I made it very clear that I could not and would not stay. We went home.”
“I tried sitting in the trailer for 30 minutes, but I genuinely could not. He didn’t pack any food or drinks and the closest grocery store to where we were was 45 minutes away. A 3-year-old would bring snacks.”
“But if we went there, by the time we would have arrived, it would’ve been closed. So he suggested we just go back to our apartment and order pizza.”
“When he saw that I was not at all happy with his planning, he was upset, then he apologized and now he’s giving me the silent treatment.”
“Am I the a**hole for reacting the way that I did?”
The OP added:
“I guess I should preface by saying that I am a big believer in being direct. I never expect anyone, especially my husband to read my mind.”
“What has been boggling my mind is the fact that I’ve never once mentioned any interest in camping. And if I want to do something with him or experience something together, we both send each other IG reels of local activities we can do together, staycation ideas, travel itineraries, etc…”
“I’ve never once sent anything related to camping. And I know he takes note of what I send him because one time I sent an IG reel of a restaurant I wanted to try and then a month later he surprised me with reservations.”
“The idea of him surprising me in a way where I genuinely feel seen is not something that’s impossible for him. I wanted to try that restaurant, I sent him a reel, he took note of that, and executed a small but thoughtful surprise.”
“Lately, his actions have convinced me that maybe it’s not as important to him anymore. And his reaction whenever I express my frustration about the fact that I seem to be the only one who’s intentional with their planning.”
“Especially when the plans are going to be something FOR the other person.”
“Would I have ever gone to the Porsche experience by myself? No. Did I enjoy spending quality time with him and enjoy seeing him happy? Yes.”
“I’m just tired of not getting the same consideration. Regardless of what his reasons are.”
“Being with someone who is so oblivious and so focused on prioritizing a surprise over my own comfort is tiring. And I don’t want to do it anymore.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I didn’t appreciate the date my husband had planned for me to help get us out of a rut. I think that action makes me the a**hole because it comes off as being ungrateful and making him feel like no matter what he does is not good enough.”
“But that’s not true.”
“My standards are so low and I feel like he struggles so much to reach them. I think I might be the a**hole in this situation because I couldn’t just say thank you, smile and shut up.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“He packed his PJs, but forgot yours.”
“He packed his toothbrush, but forgot yours.”
“He knew you are on your period. He saw the heels and skirt.”
“Please tell his friends and family this story.” ~ CakeEatingRabbit
“He chose not to tell you his plan, knowing that you would be relying on him for everything to be planned.”
“He forgot that you don’t like small spaces, he forgot that you don’t like camping, he forgot to pack you toiletries, he forgot to pack you a change of clothes, he forgot that you were in heels, he forgot that you asked about how far the RESTAURANT was before he even answered, he forgot to get food.”
“He remembered he needed to dress appropriately for camping, he remembered to pack himself a change of clothes, he remembered to pack himself toiletries, he remembered to book the RV.”
“He planned a nice getaway for himself, and the only thing about you that he remembered was that for it to be a ‘couples’ retreat’, you needed to be in the car when he left.”
“This is the most generous interpretation of what happened. Reconsider the relationship with this in mind. How much do you actually matter to him? NTA.” ~ Aylan_Eto
“NTA. I’m bewildered by the idea of him planning a camping/outdoor/overnight type of event, not even hinting that you dressing up for going out to dinner was a problem, and NOT bringing along any toiletries or extra clothing for you.”
“What was going on in this man’s brain? ‘I’m going to bring my wife out into the woods in inappropriate clothing and with nothing for her to change into or sleep in, and she’s going to be happy about it’‽‽”
“I don’t necessarily mind camping, but this entire experience would feel disrespectful and piss me the heck off. He literally appears to have missed that there’s a second person involved in this retreat.” ~ PurpleMarsAlien
“I super hate the part where he didn’t pack you any clothes or toiletries or anything. That was a total dumba** move. NTA.” ~ pepperplants
“Does he have an ounce of respect for you?”
“You actively told him you would not enjoy this experience, and he said ‘NOTED’ and then took you anyway to the most half-a**ed camping plan with NO proper packing or toiletries?”
“Are you kidding? I would cry my eyes out and f*cking go wait in the car to go home.”
“The complete lack of saying anything when he saw your outfit is what gets me too. NTA.” ~ AquaticStoner1996
It sounds like this husband is great at finding things he likes to do and making sure he’ll have a good time.
This surprise was definitely not a good one for his wife or their marriage.