Content Warning: Consent, Sexual Assault, Viagra
Everyone knows that consent means two or more adult people each giving an enthusiastic “yes” to sexual acts without any coercion, force, or inebriation involved.
But what some people need to get clear on is the fact that dating someone does not mean automatic consent, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Embarrassed_Band_897 was dating a fellow police officer who worked opposite shifts, so the two of them had to be creative about seeing each other, dating, and being intimate.
But when he found out that his girlfriend slipped Viagra into his drink, believing that he would otherwise be too tired to have sex with her, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and furious that she valued sex more than his trust and consent.
He asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for being angry that my girlfriend put Viagra in my drink without telling me?”
The OP’s ex-girlfriend betrayed him in order to have a good time.
“My now-ex-girlfriend and I are both in Law Enforcement for the same department. I work nights, and she worked days, so our schedules were kinda hectic sometimes.”
“She came to my apartment one night, and when I got home, she put a boba tea in my hand and told me to drink it. I’m not a fan of boba, so I thanked her and told her that was sweet of her, but that I’d rather have something else.”
“She acted really disappointed and was being very adamant that I should drink it.”
“I didn’t want to make her feel bad since I thought she was just trying to do something nice for me, so I took a few sips and set it down.”
“She picked it up off the counter, put it back in my hand, and said, ‘You need to drink all of it.'”
“I told her fine, we went to lie down and watch a movie, where I set the cup on my nightstand and didn’t touch it again.”
Then the OP made a terrible discovery.
“We ended up having sex a few times, and at some point, I got up and went to my kitchen to grab a drink. When I opened my trash can to throw something away, I saw a medication blister pack sitting on top of the garbage.”
“At first, I didn’t think anything of it, but then I remembered how adamant she was about me finishing that drink, and everything started to click.”
“I picked it up and sure enough, it was a Viagra package.”
“I immediately got this overwhelming feeling of being violated. I didn’t know what to say, and I was honestly pretty hurt.”
“So, not wanting to let my immediate emotions lead me into saying something I would regret, I held my tongue and went to bed.”
The OP confronted his girlfriend, but she didn’t see what the problem was.
“The next day, she texted me, saying I seemed off the rest of the night, and I decided to confront her by asking about the drink.”
“She initially denied it all, but when I sent her a picture of the wrapper, she just responded with the kissy wink face emoji, as if it was some cute romantic act.”
“It turned into a huge argument because she just couldn’t comprehend why this was bothering me so much, saying ‘it’s basically just vitamins’ and that she originally got the idea from an episode of ‘Bob’s Burgers.'”
The OP felt the relationship was going in a dark direction while texting his girlfriend.
“But what finally sent me over the edge was our text exchange, where she thought that I was mad because I was ’emasculated’ by what she did.”
“Then she said that she and her roommate (who is ALSO a police officer) came up with the whole plan while I was at work, because I had told her how busy my day was and how I couldn’t wait to just lie down. And since she was worried I’d be too tired to have sex, her roommate’s boyfriend gave her the pill.”
“I tried to further explain my point by trying to reverse it and explain that if I had done something similar to her and she reported it to PSU (Professional Standards, which is just another way of saying Internal Affairs), I would have been fired and most likely arrested.”
“Her response was basically just, ‘Well, I would never report it,’ which I took as her beginning to get scared and trying to convince me not to.”
You can see the text exchange here:
The OP’s girlfriend argued via text message:
“You don’t understand how much I feel. I am very f**king empathetic. Even when I don’t agree with your point of view, I understand it.”
“I know you felt emasculated and hurt[that] I put something in your drink. That was wrong of me.”
“Even if it [was just] vitamins, I should have not done it.”
“I honestly [caved] in [and] was talking to [Name Redacted] about [seeing] you that day, and how tired you were probably going to be, and her boyfriend overheard, and long story short, they gave me that package.”
The OP got right to the point.
“It’s okay. I forgive you for valuing sex more than my feelings that night.”
His ex-girlfriend was indignant about what she had done.
“I didn’t [value] sex more than your feelings. You didn’t drink it, and we had sex a couple times.”
The OP pointed out how serious this was.
“No, that’s exactly what you did. The fact that I didn’t drink it is irrelevant.”
“You have absolutely no idea how f**ked up that was and are just now apologizing for it?”
“If I had done that to you and you went to PSU, I’d be fired and in jail right now.”
The OP’s ex-girlfriend still didn’t get it.
“I would have never gone to PSU.”
The OP questioned his reaction.
“Anyhow, was I overreacting by letting this turn into such a big problem? Was she genuinely just trying to make a romantic gesture, or did she go too far?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that he deserved consent just like his ex-girlfriend did.
“You’re not overreacting. If a male friend of yours or a male family member came to you, saying their girlfriend did this, how would you react to it? What advice would you give them?”
“It just isn’t right or okay, dude. I think it is a proper reaction that she is now your ex because what she did was just plain wrong.”
“She could’ve communicated with you about potentially taking it in the future instead of slipping it into your drink!” – Busy-Objective-2677
“I don’t give a f**k if it’s Vitamin C; don’t do sneaky, weird, predatory sh*t like putting something in my drink.”
“That’s an instant trust breaker. It’ll make me question everything and every interaction we’ve ever had.”
“You most definitely didn’t overreact. I’m just glad you have emotional control. Some people would’ve snapped and saw red on her for something this violating.” – FangHarticus
“‘I would have never gone to PSU’ is an INSANE response. And her ‘apology’ was not even an apology; it was projection and reverse victim-blaming.” – shdrdrbr
“Glad she’s your ex. What she did was absolutely vile. To do anything, especially sexually, without your consent is awful. Viagra can also be dangerous for some people.”
“I’m sorry this happened to you. What the f**k.” – ommmnomz
“NOR. And actually, since you didn’t IMMEDIATELY break up with her, you under-reacted.” – CADreamn
Others agreed and pointed out the side effects the OP could have experienced.
“I cannot understand why people think that Viagra makes you horny. It has nothing to do with your sex drive; it just helps stimulate and maintain blood flow. If you’re not horny, you still have zero trigger to get an erection. Viagra only makes it easier to get and maintain an erection; it doesn’t cause the erection.”
“All of that being said, it’s still a terrible idea to give someone medication that they haven’t been prescribed. Medications can cause reactions with foods and other meds; people have allergies and sensitivities. It’s a f**king stupid idea.”
“The other red flag was that she put it in a drink that you don’t even like. It sounds like she had zero regard for you all around.” – iMatt86
“Viagra can be really dangerous (even life-threatening) if taken unknowingly. It’s just wrong and horribly stupid. What OP’s ex did definitely should be illegal (but apparently is not, crazy).” – ConstanceL1805
“In the off chance your body reacted badly to the drug, you could have had health complications, including a heart attack.”
“All else aside, NEVER mess with someone’s food. Do not even so much as add salt in it without their knowledge and consent. This is f**ked up.”
“NOR.” – SuaveOlive
“Viagra can have serious side effects. That’s why you go see a doctor and get evaluated before they prescribe it.”
“It’s F**KED UP to give someone drugs without consent… and definitely f**king illegal. And she works in law enforcement?! What the f**k?!” – Lem0nadeL0la
“You need better friends. She attempted to roofie you and risked possibly provoking a heart attack or other symptoms.”
“Dump her. Report her. Get better friends. NOR.” – MissionHoneydew2209
In the comments, the OP later confirmed that he and his girlfriend broke up and that he reported her.
“Thanks, everyone. I DID report the incident to my chain of command and PSU. When she found out, she resigned immediately.”
“There were no criminal charges filed against her because of the way the law is written in my state, it’s very gender specific when it comes to date rape/rape. It specifically mentions the acts being against a woman, so as a man, I cannot LEGALLY be a victim in this situation, and as such, there are no grounds for any type of criminal prosecution.”
“I wrote a very long and detailed statement and provided copies of the texts that were all compiled and placed in her personnel file, which is retained permanently.”
“However, she still somehow managed to get another job at another law enforcement agency in the same county… It is no wonder the general public harbors so much distrust towards law enforcement when a person like her can get hired after a situation like this.”
The subreddit was disgusted on the OP’s behalf and that his ex-girlfriend tried to talk her way out of her behavior because she wanted to have a good time with the OP.
When a relationship is good, it will last a long time, and it won’t be measured by being able to be physically intimate at the end of an exhausting shift or not.
By taking matters into her own hands and not discussing it with the OP, let alone obtaining his consent, she effectively ended the relationship.