When parents welcome a child into the world, their lives are completely changed and full of new firsts: first word, first solid food, first steps, first visit... the list goes on.
And, of course, the new parents want to be present to witness their baby's firsts.
But as we know, that doesn't always happen.
First steps can be taken when parents are away. First words can be spoken when the child is with a sitter.
Sometimes, however, parents unfortunately miss out on firsts because of someone else's ill intention.
A mom on Reddit was devastated after her mother-in-law took her baby to meet Santa for the first time, knowing good and well that she already had an appointment scheduled, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Weak_Mail5519 asked:
"AITA for being upset with my MIL and crying in front of her for taking my son to see Santa before us when she knew I wanted to enjoy all the firsts?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I (both 33) had our son a few months ago."
"We tried to have a baby for years and we're so incredibly thankful to have him, but he is for sure our only child."
"I can no longer have children after the complications surrounding his birth."
"This means all the firsts to me are more special and I have spoken about that with friends and family."
"My MIL has always been so lovely and supportive through this and I told her I had booked a visit to Santa for this weekend so my husband and I can take him together and enjoy this first with him."
"Last week she asked if she could have our son for a few hours to take him shopping."
"She knew I had a couple of appointments and she said she wanted some grandma and grandbaby time."
"I said sure."
"She brought him back three hours later and said things had been good."
"Two days after she had our son we saw a photo of her with him taking him to meet Santa."
"I admit to crying when I saw."
"We haven't taken him yet. She knew that."
"We even talked about it before she left with him."
"My husband called up his mom and asked what the photo was and why she'd taken him."
"She told him she'd wanted to get some photos of the two of them and to document a special grandma and grandbaby day."
"She ended up coming over and asking why my husband was acting like she did something wrong."
"He said she did. That she knew how much we wanted to take him first."
"She said to let grandma enjoy a first of his and I cried."
"MIL accused me of trying to manipulate her into feeling bad for something totally normal."
"I told her I can't believe she'd do it when she knows I won't get to do any of this again."
"She said I had no right to be upset with her when I said she could take him for the few hours."
"I said she only mentioned shopping and she knew we had it planned and booked."
"She said it wasn't something I should be crying over and to just enjoy what I get."
"I ended up leaving the room."
"She complained to my husband but he shut her down and told her she knew I was still coming to terms with how bad things had been during our son's delivery and how I wanted to make the most of every moment and to be present for those firsts."
"He said she should understand and be helping with that instead of being so underhanded."
"She's saying I'm manipulative with my reaction and don't have any business being upset with her."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in on the situation and decided OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. MIL knew exactly what she was doing, and that's why she hid it from you."
"You drew a very clear boundary, and she stomped on it intentionally."
"Your husband is doing a great job of putting her in her place, and if she cannot acknowledge her wrong, then she will lose grandma privileges."
"It's as simple as that." - Positive-Light243
"NTA - Your MIL knew exactly what she was doing, or she would not have hid it."
"She didn't mention it when picking up your son, didn't mention it when dropping him off, nor before posting the pictures."
"She's the grandma, not mom, she needs to step back and respect YOUR boundaries as his mother."
"Someone seems jealous."
"I'd be very careful with her in the future and taking more firsts from you both." - Angelz80
"NTA"
"'She said it wasn't something I should be crying over and to just enjoy what I get.'"...... OP, this is NOT the last first she will steal from you."
"Hence, her saying enjoy what you're able to get with YOUR CHILD."
"What's next? Baby's first haircut? Easter bunny photo?"
"She knew exactly what she was doing."
"Obviously, she is one of those grandmothers who think they and what they want with/ for their grandchild is most important, and you, as the mother, take a back seat."
"I would strongly suggest LC for right now, and you and your husband have a very serious, detailed conversation regarding boundaries with this woman."
"Then discussing as a united front, making it VERY clear that if she doesn't respect your boundaries, she will not be part of your lives at all." - Delicious-Editor-993
"NTA. She disregarded your feelings and is now trying to rug-sweep it."
"You are not overreacting."
"Maybe the first Santa Claus visit isn't a huge deal, but the betrayal of trust and disregard for your boundaries is HUGE."
"Please do keep your Santa visit though."
"I think you still need that memory."
"Don't let her immaturity stop you from this." - RutabagaCurious3279
"NTA."
"I spent a year reading The Hobbit to my three boys in anticipation of the movie coming out."
"We talked about how awesome it would be to see it and wondered how they would use special effects."
"My husband and I split that summer."
"He took them to see the movie."
"I will never get that back."
"It's been 12 years."
"It still upsets me." - Lost_Shake_2665
"NTA, MIL did this intentionally and seems like a major problem."
"At least your husband stood up for you."
"Don't give her any more alone grandma grandbaby time if she's going to go out of her way to do things with him first." - whatsa1pick
"NTA. No one asks to take a very young infant SHOPPING for some quality time."
"This was straight-up planned."
"Kinda surprised you agreed to her taking him anywhere just for safety reasons. I wouldn't let her take him anywhere again for a very long time."
"My MIL is similar." - Eastern-Eggplant4374
"NTA and just like that, she's no longer to be around him unsupervised…." - United-Manner20
"NTA"
"I don't care if you've had ten kids, it's the first with each one and each reaction is different and special."
"I just had my first grandchild and would never dream of doing something like this."
"If my daughter asked me to or asked me to tag along, that's one thing, but to just do it and not say anything is sneaky and wrong."
"MIL is the AH here, and I hope you will let her read these comments."
"She stole a precious moment from you and her own son." - mi_lynn
"The fact that she said you should let grandma have a first is all telling."
"She knew exactly what she was doing."
"However. Here are the silver linings:"
"Since your baby is so young, you can still have this first with him because it will be the first time YOU took him, and since he has no comprehension, it will still be YOUR first."
"For the consequences of grandma being a grade A b*tch and trying to take this away from you, then doubling down, then making you feel like shit for getting upset about an obvious hideous action then she looses ALL grandma privileges."
"Sorry, no, you don't get to see him anymore."
"You had your chance, and you blew it."
"NTA of course" - PostCivil7869
"First off ROCKSTAR husband."
"I was kind of leaning toward N A H until the part about letting grandma have some firsts-- THAT tells me this was 100% intentional on her part, and shame on her for that."
"Time outs are an excellent teaching tool and granny obviously needs some teaching, No more unsupervised time with Granny until she makes a GENUINE apology and she acknowledges that overstepping boundaries is selfish behavior and baby can't be unsupervised with selfish people."
"Make it clear that she's free to choose-- to respect and honor boundaries and see grandbaby or to continue to be selfish and ignore boundaries and not have her grandbaby in her life."
"NTA"
"The upside your baby had no clue they were meeting Santa and will have zero memory of the event." - celticmusebooks
"'Well granny, you are going to have to be happy with what YOU get. Which is pretty much about nothing.'"
"The audacity of telling a parent that they will get whatever the grandparents leave them."
"She knew what she was doing because she clearly set up the lies in advance and did not tell you about events after the fact."
"NTA." - lapsteelguitar
According to her fellow Redditors, OP should in no way feel bad for the way she reacted.
She will, however, have to set and maintain some boundaries with her MIL moving forward.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp