Blending families isn’t always an easy task.
New parents try their best not to overstep.
But sometimes the peace just can’t be kept.
That is when the children always that the hit.
Redditor Putrip to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not skipping my stepson’s graduation even though his mom is threatening to make a scene?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I, a 30-year-old female, have been married to my husband, a 41-year-old male, for five years now.”
“His son (17) is graduating high school next month.”
“I met him when he was 11.”
“I’ve never tried to be his mom and we took things slow and over the years we’ve built a decent relationship.”
“I help out where I can, mostly behind the scenes like rides, school stuff, dinner when he’s over.”
“He’s casually called me his ‘bonus mom’ a couple of times which I took as a good sign.”
“However his mom, Jan, has never liked me.”
“She’s never been openly hostile but always cold and dismissive.”
“I’ve never pushed her though.”
“No drama, no trying to parent her kid, just tried to be supportive when he’s with us.”
“Anyway, he told us he wants me at his graduation.”
“He said it directly and saved me a ticket.”
“A week later, my husband got a call from the school and apparently Jan emailed them and said only she and my husband would be attending and that I shouldn’t be allowed because of ‘family issues.’”
“We had no idea she did this.”
“My husband called the school to clear it up and when we asked her about it, she basically said I was overstepping and that graduation is for his ‘real family.’”
“She told someone in the family that if I show up, she might leave or worse not let her son attend!”
“Her son still wants me there.”
“He even told his dad, ‘Don’t let her ruin it.’”
“My husband fully supports me going.”
“But now a couple of his relatives are telling me I should just stay home to avoid drama.”
“Guess who called them about it! 🙄”
“I get it’s a sensitive day but I’m not there to make a statement.”
“I just want to show up, support him, and leave quietly like everyone else.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for insisting on going?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Your stepson wants you there. Go.”
“Your husband should tell his busybody relatives to mind their own business.”
“I’ll bet your stepson’s mom will be on here in a couple of years complaining that her son never visits her but always visits his dad if she doesn’t learn how to adult.” ~ ShannaraRose
“NTA—but your husband needs to talk to the school and/or a lawyer about protecting your stepson’s graduation.”
“Sounds like you may be dealing with mental illness here.” ~ Betalisa
“NTA. Jan is playing a dangerous game here.”
“If she leaves the graduation or even prevents your stepson from going, he’ll resent her.”
“Is excluding you worth it to her?”
“Go. Your stepson wants you there.”
“He’s the only one whose opinion matters.” ~ buttercupgrump
“Agree with the other NTA comments, but you might want to have a conversation with your stepson.”
“Let him know you support him and want to be there for him, but want him to enjoy the day.”
“Let him know that you won’t be upset if he wants you to stay home.”
“He might be in a bad spot, knowing his mom doesn’t want stepmom there.”
“Letting him know you prioritize his feelings over yours in this matter, and that while you want to be there you would understand if he wanted you to not be to avoid the drama.”
“Truly loving him is to be willing to sacrifice your comfort to support him on his special day.” ~Impossible-Cap-6433
S”he’s making this about herself instead of her son.”
“Pathetic from someone who should just be supporting her kid. NTA.” ~ Wealthier_nasty
“NTA. Stepson on his own has specifically said he wants you there.”
“On several occasions and specifically Kelly you a ticket.”
“Go and support him, ‘Mom’ can make a scene all she wants but in doing so she will literally ruin her relationship (assuming there’s much of one) with your stepson.”
“It’s not about you, her, dad or whoever.”
“It’s stepson’s graduation, should be what he wants and who he wants to go.” ~ ZookeepergameNo7151
“She is more willing to make a scene than she is to put her animosity for OP aside for one day for the sake of her son.”
“She’s willing to leverage his attendance at his own graduation for this.”
“If she keeps this up she may not be part of his ongoing real family once he has no legal obligation to spend time with her.” ~ lemon_charlie
“This!!! I don’t have kids but I really can’t begin to understand how as adults some people are not able to put their kids first, before their beef with exes or stepmoms/dads.”
“I mean, just respect whatever your child wants, it doesn’t seem that complicated.”
“They prefer to risk losing their bond with their children than be mature about the whole thing.” ~ Elixcel
“NTA, but it’s unclear whether the kid is aware of her threats.”
“Maybe give him a heads-up if he isn’t already tuned into it.” ~ Sussler
“Do not engage with any of those nosy relatives, who seem to think they have the right to offer their unsolicited opinions about something that is none of their business.”
“The topic has already been discussed and decided as a family between your stepson, his father, and you.”
“Full stop.”
“You don’t need to defend yourself or justify the decision to anyone.”
“I’d recommend that you and your husband plan to sit separately from the ex-wife during the ceremony, even if that means you avoid sitting with the rest of the family too.”
“You might also consider setting up a separate meeting location with the stepson for the 2 of you after the ceremony to take pics with the 3 of you, so you avoid any direct confrontations with the ex.”
“If you can help your stepson not be embarrassed by his mother flipping out on you at his grad ceremony then be the bigger person and meet up elsewhere at a secret location.”
“Even though you shouldn’t have to.” ~ Significant_Flan8057
“NTA… your bonus son wants you there, be there.”
“His mom is a crappy parent for not putting what he wants ahead of her pettiness.”
“Not saying this is your situation but if my child wanted my ex and his new partner to show up for them then I’d suck it up and be polite because my child’s happiness is all that matters to me.”
“Be there for him, always.”
“Sometimes the bonus moms are the most important ones because as a bonus mom you chose him to be your stepson.”
“I have a bonus mom and she’s been the best part of my parent situation.”
“I’m the mom I am today because she chose me and showed me what a mom should be.” ~ Ok-Literature-3026
“NTA – she is selfish and making her son’s event about her own feelings.”
“I came from divorced parents and my mum was always jealous of my stepmother.”
“Still go and support him – his mother will be the only one ruining his event and ultimately tarnishing her relationship with her son.”
“That was something my mother never understood- her hating my dad and stepmother and trying to poison me against them only made me hate her and pull away from her more.” ~ confident_ocean
“NTA. Is it her graduation?”
“I think he is old enough to know who he wants there and if it’s you, then you should go.”
“I get that she is the biological mom but you never overstepped, never tried to be his mom so there is no reason for her to be so hostile.”
“She should be happy that her son has a good relationship with his mom-in-law.” ~MorningMaterial4170
“This isn’t a family issue as much as this is a Jan issue.”
“She’s hung up over the fact her son has developed a close enough relationship with his stepmother that he considers his stepmother to be a bonus mum.”
“Not replacement or only mum, a bonus mum.”
‘Whatever issues exist between Jan and OP’s stepson are between them.” ~ lemon_charlie
“NTA. Your stepson has specifically told you that he wants you there.”
“To not go to an event that is one of the biggest days of his life would crush and disappoint him, and he would likely remember that forever.”
“If his mother creates a scene and embarrasses him, then that’s on her not being able to be a mature adult and be rational about something that’s not up to her.” ~ Mockingbird626
“NTA…”
“Stepson invited you, even knowing how his mother is reacting.”
“He’s what’s important here, do as he asked.”
“Graduations are massive events, she doesn’t have to speak to or acknowledge you if that’s what she wants, but her threatening to leave is an attempt to punish her son for inviting you.”
“To control things she no longer has control of.”
“He gets to decide how to handle it, and he asked you to go regardless.”
“Just ignore her as much as possible and celebrate stepson.” ~ o2low
“It sounds like your stepson understands that his Mom is using him to get at his Dad and that’s a dangerous path she’s on.”
“It takes a village.”
“Your support means something to his boy and that is important.”
“He wasn’t forced to ask you he wanted to.”
“It’s his graduation and he gets to choose.” ~ MSK_74288
“NTA. Your stepson made his request.”
“If you do not go bc of his mother then it will damage your relationship.”
“You have nothing to preserve with his mother but you have a lot to lose with him.”
“It sounds like he knows how his mom is so it’s even more important you prove to him you’ll show up for him when he needs you.”
“You may end up being more of his mom than either of you planned down the line, especially if he goes L[ow] C[ontact] or N[o] C[ontact] with Biomom.” ~ googly_eye_murderer
“NTA. The only person whose opinion matters here is the graduating kid.’
“He wants you there.” ~ Witty-Loan-3468
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your stepson wants you there.
This day is about him.
“Jan” needs to get it together.
You do what he wants you to.
It sounds like you’re a great stepmother.
Best wishes to the graduate.