Arguments happen in every relationship.
Romantic or otherwise, we are all different in so many various ways that it is impossible not to rub a loved one the wrong way from time to time.
The test of the relationship isn't that we argue, it's how we resolve those arguments.
So what happens when someone just refuses to argue with you and instead tries to shut down every altercation by putting the entirety of the blame on you?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Johnnnyyy111 when they came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for pulling my pants down and showing my husband my underwear after he insisted that I was on my period when I wasn't?"
OP began with the background.
"My husband has a habit of blaming my behavior/reaction on my period."
"For example, when we argue he'd say 'I won't argue anymore since you tend to act crazy when you're on your period' or even say 'I know you didn't mean to do/say that but couldn't help it since it's that time of month for you...'".
"It's so irritating and it prevents me from being allowed to express myself."
"It happened again last night at dinner table."
"We had an argument about him forgetting to fill my car with gas after he used it and when I expressed my frustrtation he said 'we will not talk about this now since you appear to be on your period'".
"I said that I was not on my period and that this was just me feeling frustrated with him."
"He insisted he won't talk about this then and insisted he won't hear what I had to say since 'I was on my period since I was being irrational during the argument'".
"I snapped and had enough."
"So I got up, stood in front of him while he was still eating and pulled down my pants and showed him my underwear."
"He made a grossed out face and shouted 'f that's nasty, I'm eating my damn dinner damnit'".
"We had a full-blown argument and he said I acted horribly and ruined his appetite by pulling that nasty move. He told me to grow up and stop being spiteful over nothing."
"He keeps saying I grossed him out during dinner and made him go to bed hungry. AITA?"
"Did I overreact?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Many were quick to point out red flags.
"NTA."
"If your husband gross out at your body, maybe it's time you reevaluate your relationship." ~ MyCatsOwnMyLife
"This was my main takeaway, him being SOOO disgusted by his wife's body to the point where he 'lost his appetite' is a major red flag anyway."
"Despite arguing, my BF would want to do the deed immediately."
"THAT IS NO SHADE TO OP, but to her immature walking red flag of a husband." ~ _777cherries
"Not only that, but men who are 'disgusted' by periods are children."
"50% of the human population has them."
"If you learn about all of the changes that happen in a woman's body during her 28 day cycle, like at the biological level, it's downright f*cking magical."
"I'm not joking! A woman's body and what it can do is a beautiful miracle."
"If its regular functioning is 'gross' to you, I have zero time for you."
"Now I'm not saying to wave a used tampon in anyone's face and call it art or anything, but if bodily functions are gross to you, grow the f*ck up."
"No woman should be shamed for being a woman, period. (Pun intended)" ~ ZanzibarLove
"Wtf did I just read?"
"This is… wrong on so many levels and I hope not true."
"In case it is he is 1) gaslighting you"
"2) making you feel less than about a natural thing that women have."
"3) saying your body is apparently gross. NTA and you should strongly consider what you want to do if he is unwilling to change these disgusting habits" ~ Caaaarlthatkillsppl
Commenters pointed out that this was more then just an argument.
"NTA.."
"But seriously, what are you doing to yourself OP? You let that man wear the title of husband? What an absolute joke."
"Also, the first sentence alone makes this NTA because he constantly 'blames your behavior/reactions' on your period."
"Absolutely vile."
"Im sure many others will echo these sentiments, but run while you still can."
"What a trash human." ~ Reasoning-II
"He's gaslighting you and emotionally abusing you."
"Please take this seriously and consider if you want to stay with someone incapable of having a discussion around such a simple topic."
"How well do you think he'll support you when life becomes more complicated, as it inevitably will?"
"You're NTA." ~ Ok-Obligation-4784
"You're NTA, and your husband is a misogynist."
"He's weaponising a sexist trope to belittle your emotions and avoid treating you like a person - and it sounds like you're at breaking point."
"At best he has no respect for you, and at worst I'd honestly say his behaviour is crossing into emotional abuse territory." ~ Reasonable-Pen-88
"It's AITA's time to shine: we have a real attempt at gaslighting, folks."
"He's trying to get OP to question whether her very legitimate complaints about him are fair/reasonable by calling her 'irrational' or 'crazy' and suggesting that she's not in control of her own feelings and actions because she menstruates."
"It's awful."
"It's also very dumb, because she can very clearly disprove what he's saying by demonstrating that she is not, in fact, on her period." ~ LilBabyADHD
Husband's 'disgust' also got a lot of attention.
"Ignoring the fact that he absolutely refuses to validate your feelings and speaks down to you on a regular basis, why are you with a man who is disgusted by your vagina?!"
"I can guarantee that my husband would have a VERY different attitude if I did this at the dinner table!"
"I think you need to work out whether you want to stay with a guy who seems to be disgusted by you." ~ PriorHedgehog
Some were just confused by the entire relationship.
"So whenever you voice any kind of frustration with your husband, he calls you irrational and now he's also calling you a liar??"
"Please explain to me why you're married to a man who has no respect for you?"
"NTA" ~ falconprincess
"Of course NTA, but I would start reevaluating this relationship."
"What is he putting in this relationship?"
"What I am getting from this is he basically wants a doll as a wife and no one with any actual feelings."
"He's being disrespectful to you and then blaming anatomy. Are you kidding me?" ~ bonzaibuzz
"NTA."
"It's really concerning to me that every time you disagree with him or have a less than favorable attitude you must be bleeding from the crotch."
"Sounds like your dude has some serious communication issues and maybe some insecurity."
"Also, regardless of whether or not I'm bleeding, if I even hinted at exposing my crotch during dinner my husband would be done eating and halfway to the bedroom before I got the top button of my jeans undone."
"Never under any circumstances would he be stupid enough to refer to my vag as anything that could even be construed as gross. And he watched me grow and birth a child." ~ CaptainBeverlyPicard
"NTA and why are you with someone who doesn't respect you clearly, gaslights you and is sexist and misogynistic???" ~ MissSunshinexoxo
Also these are incredibly interesting facts.
"NTA"
"Fun fact, when a woman is on her period, her hormones levels are lowered and similar to that of a man. So if your husband thinks you're ridiculous, point out that's how he is ALL the time." ~ SkysEevee
"I love pointing this out to people."
"Testosterone levels rise and estrogen levels fall during your period."
"People call women "hormonal" on their periods to be dismissive, but never actually mention which hormones" ~ ditzyspider
Some responses were even itemized.
"NTA."
"He's about a triple AH at this point, though."
"Blaming any expression of disagreement on your period shuts down rational discussion before it can even begin based on a fake excuse."
"Makes me think he knows he'd be the loser in any of those discussions he's avoiding."
"Having periods is part of life."
"Women manage to run countries and corporations without letting them interfere with high stakes issues."
"The presumption that even if you WERE on your period that you'd be irrational is infuriating."
"The human body, YOUR body that he promised to love and cherish, is beautiful; not gross or something that would ruin a meal."
"If this is a pattern, which it sounds as if it is, you should seek couples counseling. He's got a lot to learn and likely will need a third party getting him to see that." ~ Cogito_ErgoBibo
Arguing with our significant other, sibling, parent or friend is extremely healthy and can be an imperative part of growing a relationship.
Shutting down those arguments via gaslighting or simple stubbornness is a great way to send all the wrong messages to the other person.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.