When two people start dating and are ready to introduce themselves to each other’s families, we like to imagine everyone getting along and the whole family coming together.
But sometimes it doesn’t work out that way, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Necessary_Alps_9000 and her family did not like her younger brother’s fiancée, and they distanced themselves more and more from her.
When the fiancée and brother found out why, the Original Poster (OP) found herself in the middle of a family feud.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my brother’s fiancée the truth about why our family doesn’t like her?”
The OP was not a big fan of her brother’s fiancée.
“I (28 Female) have a younger brother, Mike (26 Male), who got engaged to his girlfriend, Rachel (25 Female), about six months ago.”
“From the outside, Rachel seems like a nice enough person. She’s polite, friendly, and gets along with most people.”
“But here’s the thing: our entire family cannot stand her. And it’s not for the reasons you’d think.”
Every little thing Rachel did bothered the OP’s family.
“It all started when she met our family for the first time. My parents have a pretty quirky sense of humor, and we all tease each other a lot. It’s all in good fun, but Rachel took everything super seriously.”
“She’d get offended at harmless jokes and would sulk whenever someone teased her, even in the lightest way. We thought maybe she just needed time to get used to us, but it only got worse.”
“At every family gathering, she’d find a way to make everything about her. If someone talked about their job, she’d jump in with a story about how hard her work is. If we were sharing funny childhood stories, she’d cut in to talk about how tough her childhood was, even though we were just joking around. She even tried to change our traditional holiday plans because they didn’t ‘fit her vibe.'”
“The final straw came when she tried to “improve” my mom’s cooking by adding her own spices to a dish at Thanksgiving. My mom’s a great cook, and this did not go over well. Rachel acted like she was doing us a favor, but it was really just insulting.”
The OP’s observations caused a family feud.
“After months of this, Mike finally asked me why our family was being distant with Rachel.”
“I was honest and told him that while we all tried to like her, she’s been stepping on everyone’s toes since day one.”
“I mentioned how she doesn’t seem to respect our family’s dynamic and how her behavior at family gatherings has been pretty off-putting.”
“Well, Mike told Rachel everything I said, and she lost it. She called me crying, saying I’ve ruined her relationship with our family and that she doesn’t feel welcome anymore.”
“My brother is now furious with me, saying I should have just kept my mouth shut.”
“My parents are staying out of it, but they don’t disagree with what I said.”
“Now, Rachel is demanding an apology, but I’m torn. I was just trying to be honest with my brother, but now I feel like I’ve caused a huge rift.”
“Was I wrong for telling my brother the truth about why our family doesn’t like his fiancée?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned by how the OP described her family’s sense of humor.
“You’re 1000% not the AH for telling Mike the reason why you and your family hold Rachel at arms’ length.”
“However . . .”
“You wrote, ‘My parents have a pretty quirky sense of humor, and we all tease each other a lot. It’s all in good fun, but Rachel took everything super seriously. She’d get offended at harmless jokes and would sulk whenever someone teased her, even in the lightest way. We thought maybe she just needed time to get used to us, but it only got worse.'”
“This part of your post has so many red flags. It is almost a textbook way that bullies describe their interpersonal relationships with their victims when they ‘don’t understand’ why the victims ‘can’t take a joke.'”
“Why would you and your family continually ‘tease’ someone your brother loves and wants to marry; when you know that she doesn’t view the ‘teasing’ the same way?”
“NTA for telling Mike the reason, but I hope you can see that your telling of your family’s treatment of Rachel makes you seem like complete AHes.” – ProofNarwhal8179
“My family, but primarily my father, are exactly how the OP described hers… Making rude remarks in a ‘joking’ manner and then making it the other person’s problem for being offended.”
“All in all, this story here is missing A LOT of context, as with a lot of AITA stories we are getting the facts from the side of the potential a**hole. The situation could be either as it is written OR this family made the girlfriend/fiancée so insecure she overcompensated to try and get them to like her.” – Feniks288
“The family has their standard of fun, and she has hers. I think the jokes made her insecure, so she overcompensated by trying to prove herself to them.”
“The family seems a bit mean. Lay off people if they don’t appreciate your sense of humor. I also wonder if the family didn’t like her from the get-go, and she picked up on it.” – FriendlyDrummers
“Teasing new people you don’t know that well inside of an already-established family pattern is a recipe for disaster. If the family wants to maintain that dynamic, they need to bring the fiancée into the joke on their side against their partner to start with.”
“Once a rapport has been established, then you can see if making these types of jokes is even an option in a healthy relationship with them. It very often isn’t.”
“That being said, the preceding paragraph is all assuming it is actual teasing and not toxic abuse.” – SouthBendNewcomer
“If you ‘playfully tease’ someone and they get offended or irritated, stop. If you do it again you are just a bully.” – Dorado_Buster28
Others felt that everyone had made mistakes in this situation.
“Your brother did create this situation and has no one to blame for that but himself. Him blaming you for upsetting his wife and not ‘keeping your mouth shut,’ when he’s the one who both ASKED for your insight and then went and blabbed to her (in what sounds like a totally unconstructive way) is ridiculous.”
“BUT, if a person doesn’t like being teased (even if it’s part of the family/friend dynamic), then just stop. That’s on you all.”
“And, if someone is killing the vibe by telling sad stories every time you try to have fun conversations, then kindly/lightly address it. It’s not the worst thing in the world for her to do (and may be accidental in her effort to connect with you all), but I’d hope you’d say something early rather than letting it continue and then talking about it behind her back.”
“…Seasoning someone else’s food (especially during a holiday meal – which is SO MUCH WORK) without being asked is just rude, so not much you could have done there. And insulting someone else’s family traditions is also not nice. That’s on her.”
“Overall, ESH at least somewhat. I don’t think you owe Rachel an apology for sharing your opinion with your brother when he asked for it, but you all might benefit from getting together and sharing honestly and KINDLY the actions that each of you is doing that is causing discomfort so that you all can actually connect with each other.” – AVDisco
“I hate the ‘we tease each other’ or it’s just our sense of humor excuse as a cover for bullying.”
“Rachel trying to make stories about her could be a pick-me thing, or just her trying to fit in or relate in a tight-knit family and getting shut down. It sounds like none of you were interested in getting to know her, and he was trying too hard.”
“But she needs to stay away from your mom’s cooking. Maybe your mom is an amazing cook, maybe she’s not, but that’s rude.”
“Here’s the thing… if you love your brother, you should give her a chance and it sounds like no one did.” – Ok_Stable7501
“The thing about making stories always turn back to her and interfering with someone else’s food, those are not okay.”
“But continuing to tease someone who has asked you not to is just unacceptable. I don’t care if that’s ‘how you are,’ that can be how you are with each other.”
“I personally don’t like it when people ‘tease’ by making fun of things in the other person, because there is almost always someone who is actually getting hurt. And oftentimes there are people who only feel the need to do it when they are bringing up something actually wrong with the person and doing it in a group setting.”
“If there are families where everyone does this and they all agree and they truly are fine with it, bless, live your life however you want.”
“But knowing that somebody doesn’t like being mocked or made fun of because they aren’t close enough to you to receive it in a joking manner, and continuing to do it just means you’re kind of bullying that person.” – BojackTrashMan
“He asked why you and your family didn’t like her and then went and told her that’s on him.”
“However, your reasons for not liking her are weak at best not everyone jokes around like you all clearly do and in my opinion, the worst thing she did was change your mum’s cooking (that would p**s me off, too).”
“She sounds more like she was trying to fit in with telling stories like you all were. This is your brother’s girlfriend, and the fact you all seem to have a problem with her is just going to push him away you really want that?” – Tough_Breadfruit_830
“OP’s family decided not to like Rachel and find fault with everything she does. She (checks notes) has the audacity to speak without permission?! Egads! Off with her tongue! She doesn’t want to be constantly mocked by people who hate her?! What a b***h!”
“If she altered MIL’s cooking without permission, that is rude, and so is trying to alter someone else’s plans, but OP isn’t a reliable narrator.”
“Did Rachel giggle maniacally while pouring sriracha into the mashed potatoes, or did she suggest adding salt or paprika to enhance the flavor?”
“Did she try to ruin Christmas by slithering through the house stealing gifts Grinch style, or did she suggest opening gifts on Christmas Eve instead of the day of?”
“Did she bring matching PJs for everybody? Did she suggest playing Chutes and Ladders because she found Cards Against Humanity too spicy?”
“Rachel may be an insufferable narcissist with main character syndrome, or OP’s family could be insufferable braggarts who expect Rachel to sit silently in the corner hanging on their every word.”
“I think ESH is the most fair assessment of this situation, and Rachel would be better off distancing herself from OP’s family for a while. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were uninvited to the wedding and kept at arm’s length from any future offspring.” – Electronic-Struggle8
While the subReddit could understand not liking someone, they challenged the OP and her family to do what they could to show their support of the OP’s brother by trying to connect with his future wife.
Though it seems she’s made some mistakes along the way, most of the subReddit felt the family was determined to dislike her from the beginning, and it seemed they would judge her no matter what she did.