When you’re planning a wedding the couple might disagree on what to prioritize. Some people put focus on the food while other care more about dancing.
Being in constant communication and understanding your will both have to compromise some aspects is the only way to make it to the aisle.
Redditor Quirky-Concentrate80 encountered this very issue with her fiancé. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for telling my teen she can’t go to a dance because I need her to babysit and she’s my only option?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My boyfriend (25M) of 7 years and I (25F) have recently gotten engaged.”
“We have very different personalities – I’m an introvert, he’s an extrovert -, but we’ve always been accommodating of each other and have found ways to compromise over the years.”
“Also, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness about 6 years ago. I’m in remission now, but I still experience a lot of fatigue, which he is usually super accommodating of.”
“Now, these past few months we’ve gone to a TON of weddings, since all of last year’s were postponed. My boyfriend has a friend group of 14 guys, a lot of whom have gotten married this year in large, all-day events.”
“I will admit I really don’t like these events, as I find them too long to be ‘on’ socially, and I get super tired. Usually I handle it by napping in the car after lunch or catching someone’s ride home early, as my boyfriend loves these events and has tons of fun with his friends.”
OP’s boyfriend wants to incorporate some of the things he experienced into their own wedding.
“So, we were having lunch with my parents this weekend and we ended up talking about a wedding we went to last month.”
“My boyfriend said he would like a similar schedule at ours (we’re in Europe, just in case the meal times look weird): 11am ceremony, photos after, 2pm lunch, 5pm drinks & dancing, 9pm buffet dinner and more dancing.”
“I joked that, with a schedule like that, they’d find me passed out in a corner before dinner, we all laughed, that was it. However, when we got home, my boyfriend asked if I hadn’t liked his schedule idea. I said I didn’t think he was serious, as he knew I would never be able to take a day like that.”
“He said it was only one day and that it was the only thing he cared about, as he was letting me have creative control on everything else (which is true, even though I don’t care much; if it was up to me, we’d have a courthouse wedding).”
“He said we could even fit a ‘napping time’ in the schedule for me and that he would entertain the guests while I was sleeping. However, not only do I not think it’s practical to sleep in full hair and makeup, but I also think it’s stupid for the bride to simply ghost the guests mid-ceremony to go take a nap while the groom mingles.”
“I told him the schedule was literally the only thing I was putting my foot down on, but it really was non-negotiable for me to have a shorter wedding. He said it was his wedding day too, that this couldn’t be an all-or-nothing situation, and that he really thought I was being a bit of a controlling bridezilla.”
OP’s boyfriend can’t seem to let it go.
“We eventually left it at that, but I know he’s gone to his friends to vent about this and one of them knows my brother, so this has gone everywhere and now my mom and dad think I should be more accommodating and try to find a compromise as that’s literally the only thing he wants for our wedding day.”
“However, a compromise for me is already having a large-ish gathering and an all-day event is simply going to wreck me and I’m not going to have fun at my own wedding.”
“AITA for putting my foot down?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. Your request is perfectly reasonable, HE is the Bridezilla.”
“It is your physical – and mental – well being at issue here. And frankly I don’t think most people want to spend 12-13 hours at a wedding.”
“If I was invited I’d skip the ceremony and show up at 5 at the earliest – and only stay to the end if I was REALLY close to the bride/groom.” ~ Johnny-Fakehnameh
“To add, Groomzilla is ‘frontloading.’ By ‘allowing’ OP to have all the creative choices, he then feels he can demand something and not have to negotiate it. It is a manipulation tactic where one party does a lot of chores or gives in many choices so that he or she doesn’t have to make a request for something later: he or she is then ‘entitled’ to have or do something without asking.”
“While usually this tactic is used to avoid having to treat a partner with equal respect on equal ground, it can also be used to get one’s way when there may be a credible conflict to a choice.”
“OP, I would tell him if he feels he gets an all-day wedding because you have all the creative choices, you are happy to hand over that power to him for a shorter day.”
“I think he is TA because he is trying to equate what he wants to your actual needs and limitations. My sincere question to him would be this: ‘Can you actually say that you will enjoy an entire-day wedding knowing it will be too much for me to handle?’ And I would listen very carefully to how he answers.”
“NTA” ~ marshmallow_spencer
“Oh I read it even worse than that.”
“He doesn’t want to do the work of wedding planning, so he’s offloading it all onto OP under the guise of ‘He doesn’t care about the details’ banking on either the assumption that she does care about the details (because she’s the girl) or that social conditioning is going to pressure her to pick up his slack (because she’s the girl, and organizing parties is a girl’s job).” ~ owl_duc
OP needs to sit down with her boyfriend and figure out their priorities.