One of the biggest challenges of entering a new relationship is that it comes with your partner’s friends.
Sometimes, this proves not to be an issue, as you find yourself getting along with them as well or better than you do with your oldest, best friends.
Other times, however, you find yourself forcing a smile or putting on a good face when in their company.
Which sometimes is more often than you would wish.
The boyfriend of Redditor idontevenknow47 was paying fairly frequent visits to their home.
Much to the chagrin of the original poster (OP), as she always found herself cleaning up after him and unable to find some quiet, private time.
Not helped by the fact that the OP was in a temporary condition that made these added commitments all the more challenging.
When she asked her boyfriend if his friend’s visits could possibly take a temporary pause, her partner proved to be anything but understanding.
Concerned she might have been unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for saying my boyfriend’s friend can’t visit us now that I’m pregnant?”
The OP explained why she was feeling less than hospitable towards her boyfriend’s friend:
“My boyfriend has a friend who is currently doing the whole #vanlifing thing and living out of his van.”
“The past several months, this friend has been coming by our house a couple days a week.”
“Each time he’s here, he stays around 10 to 12 hours to use the shower, kitchen, washing machine, and WiFi.”
“I’ve been unhappy with the lack of privacy and the extra work for quite a while, which my boyfriend is well aware of, but have been putting up with it because the friend is down on his luck and could use some help.”
“However, now that I’m pregnant, I’m ready for this situation to end.”
“I want to be able to lay on my couch without pants, not shove my giant, tired boobs into a bra constantly, and talk about my private medical details with my partner without having to whisper about them in another room.”
“I’m also just worn out in general, and the friend is generating so much extra work.”
“He comes into our home after doing construction jobs and tracks in tons of dust and dirt.”
“Every time he showers he somehow leaves a thick coating of body hair all over the shower I have to clean up before I can shower again.”
“After he uses the washing machine, there’s sticks and leaves and sand all over the laundry room.”
“Not only does he hog the kitchen when I want to cook meals sometimes, but he also leaves all his dirty dishes for me to deal with afterward.”
“Ideally, I’d have my boyfriend deal with the extra work since he’s the one who’s inviting the dude over, but with his busier work schedule, most of the household work falls to me.”
“So to me, it’s a no-brainer that the friend finds somewhere else to be for a couple of months to give me some privacy and a break from the added work.”
“However, when I brought this up to my boyfriend and told him it was time to set a boundary with the friend, he told me it was first of all, a very awkward and weird thing to ask his friend, and secondly, a cruel and insensitive thing for me to request.”
“He’s willing to do so for me, but at the same time, is making it very clear he thinks I’m a monster for even asking him to do this.”
“Is it actually reasonable for me to put a no-visitors rule in place for a few months or not?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her boyfriend to ask his friend not to visit during her pregnancy.
Just about everyone agreed that her boyfriend and his friend were expecting far too much of her in her current condition. Many thought that the friend’s behavior was rude and presumptuous, even if she wasn’t pregnant.
Others urged the OP to seriously question how good a father he will be.
“NTA.”
“He has overstayed his welcome by being a horrible guest.”
“These are just the consequences of his actions.”
“As a grown adult, he shouldn’t even have to be asked to scrape the grime that falls off him and his clothes off the surfaces he dirties up.”
“I’m picturing an adult Pigpen from the Peanuts comic strip, and I definitely wouldn’t have wanted him polluting the space I was trying to get ready for an infant, or have signed up to be his unpaid maid.”- NovelTeach
“NTA.”
“Even if he was courteous, put food in the fridge, and cleaned up after himself, it would still be out of line to have what’s essentially a third roommate in your space during the majority of your awake hours.”
“This would be infuriating.”- MaterialMonitor6423
“NTA.”
“Ouch.”
“Pregnant & dealing with a spineless bf & a moocher?”
“You can take a couple different routes, if a productive conversation cannot be had with your boyfriend.”
“But honestly, you need to explain to the bf how fkup this is that he’s making someone else a priority and not the mother of his (future)child.”
“Tell your bf from now on he’s responsible for cleaning up after his friend, who’s only allowed for X number of hours, no more.”
“You’re not running a motel, if you were, you’d be charging.”
“Go about your routine as usual when the ‘friend’ is there.”
“Don’t put bras on on his account.”
“You’re too hot, too tired, too sore, too hungry.”
“DO talk about OB/ medical procedures.”
“Heck, I’d put on a birthing documentary or something on, on full volume.”
“Make HIM as uncomfortable as possible.”
“You’re in your own house, and he’s not a welcomed guest.”- kykyLLIka
“NTA.’
“This dude has been enjoying all the perks of being your roommate without paying rent, and has you being his maid on top of it, cleaning up after the messes he leaves?”
“Hard NO.”
“Question: Is the van life a choice he is making because he can completely use your resources at his free will instead of being responsible for himself?”
“He’s basically living at your house 3+ days a week.”
“If he is working construction, it seems he should be banking enough to get his own place, even if it is with roommates, instead of using your place as a partial crash pad.”
“Your BF should be making you and your future child the priority, not his bro.”- tictactoss
“NTA.”
“But you need to stop picking up the load your bf should be carrying!”
“His friend, his invite, his cleanup job!”
“This is why he thinks it’s not a big deal.”
“I’d suggest being somewhere else when said friend visits so that bf has the opportunity to see the chaos.”- Nadihaha
“I’m surprised you’re not thinking more long-term.”
“That situation sounds terrible, especially while pregnant, but even more so with a new baby.”
“Give him some time and then put an end to this arrangement, no matter what; this is not acceptable with a new baby at home, and if it doesn’t stop soon, it will be harder to stop.”
“NTA.”- Tinymoonflower
“NTA.”
“This would be a deal breaker for me.”
“Either the friend goes, or I go.”
“I would expect my SO to put myself and our child first, in our own home.”
“Not a homeless friend.”- Reasonable_Bat_3178
“NTA.”
“It’s your house, and you deserve to be comfortable there.”
“It’s incredibly awkward and disrespectful for your girlfriend to have to clean your friend’s pubes out of your shower every week, but here we are, eh?”
“It’s cruel and insensitive for him to ask you to take on these extra tasks and to spend your time picking up after a grown man (and really … is it just one man you’re picking up after, or two? I’m betting it’s two), and that hasn’t stopped him yet.”
“And instead of working with you on some sort of compromise – limited hours, limited use of the worst mess areas, friend leaves the place pristine, boyfriend comes home early when a friend is there and mops up behind him, – he jumps to telling you that you’re in the wrong for expressing that you’re not willing to keep dealing with this while you’re exhausted and growing a new human?”
“What?”
“I kind of love the idea of flapping your t*ts out and talking loudly about mucus plugs and bleeding and constipation and hemorrhoids and puking and all that jazz every time the friend is around though.”
“He wants to invade a pregnant woman’s private space?”
“You SHARE that space with him.”- peony_chalk
The behavior of the friend of the OP’s boyfriend is pretty shocking.
Not quite as shocking, though, as the behavior of the OP’s boyfriend, who didn’t seem to have any concern for her added domestic duties while pregnant.
Leaving one to wonder how much help he will be when they welcome their child into the world.
Something the OP should seriously consider.