Family members with a history of drama can eventually share a mutual desire to leave the past behind them by moving on.
Some, however, are not open to reconciliation depending on the severity of what initially caused division.
A woman who was invited by her parents to attend their 30th wedding anniversary celebration was presented with an opportunity that forced her to make a decision that did not go down well.
She visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor LilyCupTea asked:
“AITA for telling my parents I won’t attend their 30th anniversary party if they invite my estranged brother?”
The original poster (OP) explained this was a “new account because my family knows my Reddit account.”
She started by providing background about her brother’s distant relationship.
“I (27 F[female]) have been estranged from my older brother, Mark (33 M[ale]), for the past five years. We used to be close growing up, but our relationship deteriorated when he stole a significant amount of money from me: $25,000.”
“Without going into too much detail, Mark was going through a rough patch and convinced me to lend him a large sum of money, which he promised to pay back within a year.”
“I agreed because he was family, and I trusted him. But he never paid me back.”
“When I finally confronted him about it, he blew up at me, calling me selfish and accusing me of not caring about his struggles. It turned into a huge fight, and we haven’t spoken since.”
“My parents tried to mediate, but Mark refused to apologize or even acknowledge that he did anything wrong. They’ve been stuck in the middle ever since, and it’s put a strain on our family.”
The OP continued:
“Fast forward to now, my parents are planning a big celebration for their 30th wedding anniversary and they’ve invited both me and Mark. When I saw the WhatsApp group, I was shocked to see that Mark was included.”
“I called my parents to talk about it, and they told me they’re hoping this party could be an opportunity for us to reconcile. They think enough time has passed and that we should stop ‘acting like kids’ as my mother said.”
“I was really upset by this. I explained to them that I was still hurt by what Mark did and that I was not ready to be in the same room as him, let alone celebrate with him. I told them that if Mark is going to be there, I won’t be attending.”
She then shared the resulting reaction to her decision.
“My parents were disappointed and tried to convince me to reconsider, saying that family is more important than money and that holding onto grudges won’t do anyone any good. They said it would break their hearts if one of us weren’t at their anniversary party.”
“Since then, my parents have been distant with me, and I can tell they’re hurt. I don’t want to cause them any more pain, but I also don’t want to be forced into a situation where I have to pretend everything is fine with Mark when it’s not.”
“My friends are divided on this—some think I’m right to stand my ground, while others think I’m being too stubborn and should go for the sake of my parents.”
“AITA for refusing to attend my parent’s 30th-anniversary party if they invite my estranged brother?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA. Your parents can invite whom they like, and an invitation is not a summons. You are entitled not to go, and they are entitled to be upset by it. Why does their happiness mean more than yours?”
“I agree with another commenter that if the money doesn’t matter, they should pay you (which I assume they can’t since he didn’t ask them for the money), or they should encourage him to at least make an apology. Why is it only you who needs to change?”
“Mark is unapologetic and has not paid back the money. How do you reconcile with someone who has no remorse and therefore demonstrates they would behave the same way again?” – whtsnnm
“Mark is a thief!!! He also takes advantage of the fact that OP (his sister) cannot force him to pay. Parents are enablers and don’t see that Mark is a bully.”
“OP, you don’t have to be the bigger person. If your parents’ hearts are broken, it is because of Mark and their enabling. Not because you chose not to go if Mark is present.”
“I’d go low contact or no contact. 25k isn’t small money. It’s financial abuse, but they choose not to see it. If this was physical abuse, you’d have bruises all over you. But because it’s financial and emotional abuse (Mark calling you selfish, ha! That’s rich!!) then it doesn’t count to them.”
“I wonder if you could get some sort of proof that he owes you, and you take him to court. But I can understand if you don’t want to.”
“Good luck OP, and you’re most definitely NTA!!” – Friendly-Bobcat2774
“Because OP is a woman, and we’ve learned to be nice and polite and not kick up any fuss. So the focus is now on her because she’s behaving ‘out of pattern.’ “ – I_Cookie
“And I think it’s fine if we stop talking everything out and communicate with people through our actions? OP said she wasn’t going. Now, all that’s left to do is stop fretting about this nonsense. $25,000 missing in my life would have meant I had no life back in the day.”
“And the only reason my not-so-nice self would attend that party would be to take a sheriff’s deputy to serve my brother with the papers. I would take him to court about so much money.”
“You can file a civil claim and shake that tree to its roots. Get what you can and let a judge tell brother he must pay it back no matter how long it takes him.” – Fit_Lengthiness_396
“Yes, the parents are only ‘caught’ in the middle because they are not taking a hard line against the wrongdoer because it is easier to guilt her into giving in, they think. As they know Mark will have a tantrum at them too.” – tphatmcgee
“It’s easier to tell her to be the bigger person and that family shouldn’t get in the way of money, when it’s not their money.”
“NTA. Perhaps your parents would like to stipulate that the $25000 can be paid out of his inheritance when it’s paid out.” – Flashy-Promise-6915
“That makes Mark even more of a jerk. He convinced you to send him the money. He lied. He expected a gift. And he isn’t sorry for lying or not paying the money back because it’s your fault you weren’t willing to gift it to him. That is some level of entitlement.”
“Glad that you found a decision that works for you. However, I recommend discussing boundaries with your parents. Like, I’m coming for you, but don’t expect this to be a reconciliation. I will say hello and goodbye to him (if you are willing), etc, but that is it.”
“If they expect/want more, that is on them.” – whtsnnm
“OP, he’s never going to willingly repay you. If you don’t take him to court for the money, write up the paperwork to forgive the loan.”
“Meet with a tax specialist (I’m not a tax specialist).”
“You will likely be required to report the amount of the canceled debt to him and the IRS on a Cancellation of Debt form and be able to claim a LARGE deduction on your taxes, and he will have to report that $25,000 as additional income for this year. :)” – the-pina-colada-song
“I honestly believe parents need to stop playing patchmaker.”
“A party doesn’t unify a family.”
“25.000 is a lot of money. Are they joking? He didn’t steal your piggy bank or your pocket money. 25.000 can make a huge difference in someone’s life.”
“The fact that they are demanding this from you is wrong in many levels. They are taking his side. Instead of making him pay and apologise.”
“They can summon a demon in the bloody party I wouldn’t attend. Honestly, if my parents did that, I would have no contact whatsoever with them… if they want peace, they can get the 25.000 given to your brother so he gives it to you with a huge apology, but no…”
“They want you to lose the money and suck it up for how it is going to look for others the fact you are not there…. not your problem.”
“Nta.” – Whole_Water4840
In an update, the OP informed Redditors:
“Mark sent me a message on whatsapp, he wrote that he knows what he did was bad but he still won’t apologise or pay it back because I’m his sister and I shouldnt have asked him for the money back..”
“My thoughts as well. Why would I be the a**hole when it is Mark, who refuses to apologise? Let alone pay it back.”
“I decided that I will be go because It will hurt my parents and they have done nothing wrong, but the comments convinced me that I was not being an a**hole for considering not to go.”
The OP said what she said.