Acceptance for the LGBTQIA+ community has certainly come a long way.
Unfortunately, there have also been some worrisome regressions over the last few years.
Making some members of the LGBTQIA+ community feel afraid to be their true selves around certain people.
Particularly in communities known to be conservative and unwelcoming.
Redditor lived and worked in one such community.
As a result, the original poster (OP) kept her sexual orientation mostly to herself.
When a colleague of the OP's found out about her orientation and relationship status, she couldn't hold back how hurt she was that the OP "lied" to her.
Having some doubts about how she handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole here (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for not telling a coworker about my relationship?"
The OP explained why they chose not to be completely honest with one of her colleagues:
"So I (25 F[emale]) am a teacher who has been in a relationship with another woman for about 2 years."
"I’m not 'in the closet' per se, but I don’t scream about being gay from the rooftops and I don’t tell everyone I work with either."
"Mostly because I live and work in Texas and it’s not always safe or welcoming."
"Anyway, I’ve been at my current position for 2 years."
"Another teacher on my team (Molly) is sweet but very religious."
"I would consider her a work friend but we are not super close."
"I’ve never told her I am a lesbian or dating a woman- mostly because of her religious views and the fact that I genuinely think she would treat me differently after learning."
"Since it’s now summer break, everyone spent the last two weeks yapping about what they are doing this summer."
"I am going to Edinburgh with my partner and told some (like 3) coworkers that I am going with my girlfriend."
"Molly asked and I told her I was going to Edinburgh."
"She asked if I was going with anyone, and I said my friend."
"Kind of a lie- which is where I might be the AH."
"I guess another coworker who knows about my relationship let it slip that I was going to Edinburgh with my girlfriend (not to gossip, just in a 'how fun is that' way) to Molly."
"Today I got a looooong text from Molly about how hurt she was I did not share this with her and 'lied' about going with a friend."
"She said she was confused why I did not feel safe sharing."
"Most of my friends are queer, and we all think that no queer person is ever obligated to share their queerness when they feel unsafe."
"But now I’m wondering if I was making assumptions about Molly and overreacting."
"She seemed genuinely hurt."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Just about everyone agreed the OP did nothing wrong by not telling Molly about her partner.
Everyone agreed that the OP was not "lying" to her colleague, with many pointing out how Molly victimized herself, rather than addressing any concern as to how the OP might have felt:
"NTA."
"You are right, no queer person is ever obligated to share their queerness."
"Full stop."
"I also think Molly should self-reflect and think, 'why does someone feel unsafe around me?'."- Shiva
"NTA."
"None of her business."
"And is your partner not also your friend."
"Not a lie in my book."
"But the safe option based on where you live."- Tal_Tos_72
"NTA."
"She knew she couldn't go full religious on you because then she'd be that unsafe person you knew her to be."
"So she went full 'I thought we were such close friends!'."
"You owe her no information about anything."
"You want to solidify that and set the tone for next year?"
"Don't reply."
"That takes away her stage and her inevitable spiral into what she really wants to say...as your friend...your Christian best friend...who now knows you're gay."
"I'm a backslidden Christian."
"I know where this goes."- dwightsarmy
"It's very telling that her email to you was all about her feelings rather than 'I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel unsafe' ."-RockPaperSawzall
"NTA."
"I also don't think you are obligated, especially in Texas in 2026."
"As work friends, it is going to be awkward, but hopefully Molly will reflect."- CockMeAmadaeus
"She may be genuinely hurt, but your reasons not to share with her are perfectly valid."
"Either she can understand or she can't, but then she's putting her ego above your safety, so she proves you were right."
"NTA, protect your peace."- Popelinette
"NTA."
"Your relationship, your business."
"She’s not even a close friend."- Dee-Nice71
"NTA."
"Molly didn't disclose her heterosexuality to you either, though."- cosmicdancer84
"NTA."
"But your coworker who let it slip is."
"Ignore Molly, she’s just starting drama."- askashleythatsme8
"NTA."
"Considering where you live, it is understandable why you protected yourself."
"Going with a 'friend' was more of a vague sidestep than a lie, in my opinion, given the circumstances."
"You were engaging in a stereotype based on religion, but like some stereotypes, it is understandable why you did so."
"Many 'Christians' are anti-gay."
"And Texas, like a handful of other states, isn't known for open-mindedness."
"Instead of responding to Molly via text, might you consider coffee/tea?"
"I think that it is safest not to put anything in digital form."
"That is, if you want to repair the relationship, of course."
"You aren't obligated to explain yourself."
"If you want to repair with Molly, and I would suggest the attempt, not just for your relationship with her but because she is a colleague whom you don't want talking about your relationship at work."
"Ask if she's available for breakfast or coffee."
"Tell her (in person) that you weren't trying to lie, but you have tried to keep your personal life separate owing to the sensitivity of the topic in Texas."
"Hopefully, she can see that and will offer you some comfort to assure you that she can be a confidant."
"Depending on what is said and how you feel, you could say that you knew she was Christian and you weren't sure how she'd react."- FinePossession1085
"NTA."
"Coworkers don't need to know your personal life."
"You owe nobody your sexuality."
"Molly needs to sit and think why she's not considered a safe person to disclose to."- Taleya
"NTA, people who voluntarily choose to identify as a member of an institution that is notoriously homophobic have no right to be upset when queer people are wary of them."- Connect-Peach2337
"NTA."
"However, it sounds like Molly thought you were closer than you are and is probably hurt you thought she would be homophobic."
"I think it is worth having a conversation, that it wasn't personal, as you said, she is very nice and you work with her."
"You were not sure where she stood on homosexual relationships, and unfortunately, coming out to the wrong person can have serious consequences for you."
"You are actually very happy that your caution was unwarranted, as you enjoy working with her and you didn't intend to hurt her."
"I don't think you owe her an apology, as you are not wrong."
"However an acknowledgment of her feelings should smooth things over, and hopefully if she is as nice as you say, she will also acknowledge your perspective too."- Cherry_clafoutis
"NTA."
"If you really feel the need to explain to her why you didn’t share your queerness with her, just say, 'In Texas, where people are very religious and not very tolerant, I did not feel safe. It sucks that your feelings are hurt, but my safety is my top priority, and I am not willing to compromise on that for anyone else’s feelings'.”- HikingNEPA19xx
"You are under no obligation to share any details of your personal life with any of your co-workers."
"Maybe you hurt Molly’s feelings for not sharing, but imagine if it went the other way."
"Only share with those where you feel safe."
"NTA."- Helpful-Science-3937
"You can still be fired for being openly queer in Texas."
"NTA."- Pegapussi
"I'm a bisexual man who has no trouble passing for straight as I look like a Pantera roadie after one too many benders, and I would worry about saying anything to anyone in Texas."
"Absolutely NTA."- pettyvillainy
No one likes being the last to know or being kept out of the loop.
However, not all information needs to be known by all people.
Hopefully, Molly will take some time to reflect and perhaps come to understand why she was so confused by the OP's choice not to disclose this particular part of her life to her.
